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“Yes, yes, yes. Get this distraction out of my classroom already,” I think I hear the teacher say.
The next thing I know, Atlas has me and is dragging me by the arms to the nurse’s room.
“Kade. Kade. Listen. I need you to focus on me. Not on the book. Only on me. Breathe in. Breathe out. Let’s do it ten times, okay? Then we will do it another ten times until we get to the nurse.”
I squeeze his hand for confirmation that I heard him.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
I constantly repeat those words in my head until it’s literally the only thing I can think of, and I can feel myself calming down and my breathing is back to normal. Looking up into Atlas’s eyes, I know his unanswered question.
“Yes, I’m fine now. Thank you for helping. You didn’t have to.”
“Fuck yes, I did, Kade! You were about ready to pass out there. What the fuck happened?”
I wince. I hate when he yells at me. It reminds me of Mom. That was the only time she gave me attention, when she deemed me bad and she yelled at me for it.
“I don’t want to talk about it, okay? It’s not that big of a deal. Just leave it alone,” I plead.
I really just want him to go away so I can deal with my emotions on my own. I hate when I get crowded after a panic attack.
“It was and is a big deal.You almost passed out. If I hadn’t said anything, you would have blacked out, and who knows what would have happened? You could have fallen and gotten a concussion. Do you want to worry Pete and Betty? If they had gotten a call, you know they would have been worried sick!”
“IT WAS THE BOOK, OKAY?! God, leave me alone! The book was so big, and the words were so tiny. My dyslexia has been getting worse. I was nervous about this school year, but I didn’t want to say anything to you or to them. I talked to Mateo the other day, and he said he would help me, okay? Just let it go, please!” I downright beg him.
“Fine. But don’t be afraid to ask me for help, Kade. I’m your big brother—”
“Yeah, by four minutes,” I interrupt.
“And as your big brother, if you’ll let me continue, I want to look out for you in any way that you need. Whether it’s as a brother who cheers you on or as a silent observer who watches in the background just keeping you safe from trouble. But come on. Let’s go get your medicine from the nurse and we can maybe get back and grab our stuff before the bell rings for second period.”
* * *
LUCA
I hope Paisley is at lunch.
I’m going to ask her today if I can sit with her. Since it’s Friday, I want to spend as much time as I can with her before the weekend hits.
Walking outside into the scorching sun, I gaze around, looking for her. I can’t find her, so I go to her normal lunch spot and wait for her.
I sit and wait, picking at my food, hoping that she comes, or that she is even here today. I start to panic a little more as the seconds tick by, thinking that something bad has happened to her. Last time I had this panicked feeling, she came to school with a bruise on her wrist. She still never told us what happened, and it pisses me off.
Instead of going into a full-on panic attack, I try to think of it as she is just taking a day off from school. It is senior year. Maybe she is just having a lazy day at home, or maybe she had a doctor’s appointment? I shouldn’t be immediately thinking that something bad happened.
I finally give up on her coming to lunch and head over to my brothers and finish lunch with them. They have their own conversations, but I ignore them. I just want to zone out for the rest of lunch and try not to think of Paisley.
* * *
I think Kade and I need to talk to Mrs. Embers. I’m hoping if we talk to her, she will understand that we are way past this level and will let us bypass everything and just let us talk amongst ourselves in class instead.
Getting to ASL, I had hopes that maybe Paisley would be here, but she isn’t in any of the seats, and I deflate. I walk around some seats and take one in the back. Usually, I sit in the front in hopes of being close to Paisley but I know now she isn’t going to be here today.
I wave Mrs. Embers over to ask her about not having to do the fingerspelling or even just having different assignments for Kade and I.
“Hey, Mrs. Embers, is there any way you can either give Kade, Paisley, and I different assignments or just let us converse in the back of class? I can’t speak for Paisley, as she isn’t here, but I know Kade and I could probably take a test to show you our skill level if that would help make your decision?”I sign.
