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I had an idea of what was putting me off. But it didn’t make any sense why I was upset by it.
“I didn’t expect anything from you tonight other than to be exactly who you are.”Lisa’s words to me had been ringing in my ears all night and morning.
And she was right about it. I was a heartless bastard, and it was something I often took pride in. It was what had gotten me this far over the years. After I tore my ACL in my third year of playing for the state, everyone thought it would be over for me. I used to be the favorite pick for the NFL, but suddenly, my career was over.
The vultures swarmed then, ready to pick at my flesh. Men that I’d thought were my teammates snickered behind lockers, and they were happy that someone else would now take my spot. I knew it was pure jealousy that inspired it.
And the press had eaten it up completely. I never gave them the time of day, so they were pretty happy to report that arrogant NFL hopeful Nick Walker had torn his ACL and was destined to be yet another washed-up athlete who would probably go back to his old town and get older and fatter while doing nothing but reminiscing over the good days.
But I defied the status quo.
I refused to give them the satisfaction of winning. I turned all the zeal that I invested in football into my academics instead because I was determined to be a success no matter what.
Most people thought that since I was a jock, I wasn’t very smart, but I proved them wrong. I dragged my B average up to an A and, even more importantly, took up internships at business firms. I ignored everyone and everything, ground my nose to the pavement, and made sure I learned the most important facets of running a business. Then, I harnessed what little local fame I had and created a billion-dollar company.
Best of all, I did it all by myself.
But it wasn’t possible to do all that without becoming a little bit of a bastard too. There were always enemies from all angles, and I had to destroy them decisively so they didn’t pop back up again. I needed to step on a lot of necks to get to where I was, and I became a ruthless, cold-hearted bastard in the process. But it’d never bothered me before. I always saw it as a necessary evil.
Until now.
Hurting Lisa bothered me.
And I had hurt her, no matter how much she tried to play it off and claim otherwise. I saw the pain in her eyes when she spoke of that moment in the past, even as she tried to brush it off. And the worst part was that I’d never even considered her feelings in any of this before. She was a rich girl like all of them. I thought she would be able to take a little pain. Heck, I was likely even a little proud of myself that night for humbling her a little, as juvenile as that sounded. But now I felt sick at the memory.
I never even gave much thought to how much I might have hurt her, and I was ashamed of myself for that.
It shamed me that I was deliberately cruel to someone who had done nothing to me. I had shown her nothing but the misdirected vengeance she didn’t deserve. At the end of the day, the person who betrayed me had been Carson, not her. And I made it her problem.Collateral damage.The words echoed in my ears, practically haunting me. God, I was such an asshole that I couldn’t even believe it.
And now, I was being even more of an asshole by taking out my anger on my staff.
I took a deep breath and released it just as a tentative knock sounded on the door. It was Hannah, followed closely by Simon, both of whom entered my office to deliver their respective goods. A part of me wondered if they’d come in here together for backup. The thought amused me until I caught sight of their faces. Hannah’s trademark winning smile was a little pinched at the corners, and Simon’s displeasure showed only in the stiffness of his body.
Both of them were typically very good at hiding their feelings, but I could read their vexation pretty well. They’d both been with me since practically the beginning of the company. They did good work and were loyal, so they definitely did not deserve my temper.
I sighed, rubbing my hand over my face as I readied myself to eat crow.
“I’m sorry,” I said, watching both their heads bob up in surprise. “I shouldn’t be taking my foul mood out on you two.”
“Oh, it’s fine,” Hannah said, ever ready to placate. “I should have had your coffee hot the way you like it….”
“You’ve been bringing me coffee for over three years, Hannah, and that’s the first time it’s been cold. More likely, I left it sitting for more than a few minutes, enough time for it to get cold.”
“Then I should have made it hotter,” Hannah insisted.
“Had you made it any hotter, and I drank it earlier, I would have scorched my tongue.”
Her mouth opened and closed, showing that she had no more comebacks for me. I grinned wryly at her. “But thanks for trying anyway. I appreciate it.” I glanced at Simon, who was standing next to her. “You too, Simon. I should have been clearer about what I wanted.”
Simon only nodded, but the tension in his body was significantly reduced when they both left my office. I leaned back in my seat, my mind still distracted with thoughts of Lisa.
There was no way I was getting much work done today, which was odd in and of itself. Usually, nothing could steal my focus away from work, not even women. But Lisa had singlehandedly achieved that with her sad brown eyes and a few statements.
And she wasn’t even mad. That was what got to me.
She wasn’t demanding restitution or being manipulative or anything. I encountered manipulation often in my line of work, so I knew the signs. But Lisa wasn’t seeking anything out of this. She said everything in a simple, matter-of-fact way that let me know exactly how I hurt her. Her words cracked the glass shards around my heart and mademehurt for her. It made me want to annihilate the person who made her feel like that.
But that person was me.
