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Her eyebrow arched. “At two in the morning and with a bag?” She pushed off the tree and marched my way, her shoulders back, spine straight, and steps sure. “You aren’t running away?”
“Not at all.” The lie rolled off my tongue like gooey tar baking in the sun.
Coltrane stopped in front of me and tilted her head. “I understand that running is how you’ve survived thus far, but your life is not in danger from us. You made a commitment to the ravens, and it’s your duty to stick to it.”
My blood boiled, and I clenched my fists. “I’m committed to taking out the supernatural bad guys, but I didn’t know there would be so many…rules and shit.” I rolled my neck. “It’s not easy for me.”
“Life isn’t easy. You should know that.” Coltrane clasped her hands behind her. “I thought you had what it takes to be one of the best. I thought you’d save hundreds of innocent lives with your commitment.” Her dark eyes pierced me like daggers. “Perhaps I was wrong.”
The bag fell from my shoulders, dropping to the ground with a thud. “I want to fight and save people, but nothing is in my control here.” I motioned toward Corvin Manor. “With all of these rules, regulations, and schedules, I have no say in my life. I haven’t felt like that since—”
Not since I was a kid, trapped in the system, going from bad home to worse.
“I can’t do that again.”
The raven leader sighed, and some of the tension released from her sturdy muscles. “We have rules and all of that for your own good. Without them, you can’t learn the discipline it takes to become a raven. Our organization is not like those terrible places you’ve been to, nor are we doing this for our own amusement or satisfaction. This is to help you. Not hurt you.” Her lips thinned as she studied me. “Can you really not see that?”
I rubbed my temples and turned away from her, staring at the historic Greek Revival house across the street. “All of my life, things have been done tohurtme. Not help me. When someone says it’s for my own good, they don’t mean it.” Ice froze my blood at the many times that line came out of the mouths of monsters—human ones.
“Maybe if you tried making some friends, it would help you settle in and acclimate.” Coltrane stepped toward me, still keeping a few feet between us. “Have you met my nephew? Hawk’s been in this life for a while. He can help you fit in with the others.”
I’d met her nephew. He seemed nice enough—and still lighthearted and happy for such a nefarious world—but I didn’t see how his cheerful personality would help me. I’d probably end up punching him.
“This just isn’t for me.”
“I see.” The energy coming from the captain shifted, and a hint of anger bled into the atmosphere. “I’m sure death just wasn’t for your friends, either.”
My head yanked in her direction. “Excuse me?”
“Your friends are dead while you get to keep breathing.” Her brown eyes hardened to shards of amber and coal. “That little girl might have stood a chance if you’d been a trained raven.”
Her words hit me like pieces of shrapnel ripping holes into my heart. Their deaths were on my hands, but Coltrane had never voiced it out loud.
“When I found you that night a few weeks ago, you wanted to fix what happened the only way you knew how, and that was to give yourself over to us.” She motioned her finger around in the air. “You wanted to sacrifice a normal life to make amends. And now, because you find it difficult, you want to quit?”
Air barely made it into my lungs as my throat constricted. “T-That’s not what—”
Coltrane shook her head and tsked. “I thought you were stronger than that. I never pegged you for a quitter, Ms. Teague.”
“I’m not!” I marched toward her, my hands shaking as they coiled into fists. “I just don’t think I can do it like this.”
“Try harder.” Coltrane rested her hand on my shoulder and squeezed. “Show the world that youaresorry you couldn’t save your friends. Don’t let their sacrifice be in vain. Make something of yourself and make a difference so that the next group of kids will be saved instead of slaughtered.”
I quickly blinked to keep the unshed tears from falling. Coltrane was right. Why should I get to run away when Jayla and the others couldn’t? Ishouldsuffer. Maybe it was my punishment. And in the end, if I got to become an unstoppable hunter, did it really matter how horrible the road to that goal was?
“You’re right.” I choked back the emotions, erecting a steel wall around myself. “I’m being selfish. I’ll stay.”
A satisfied smile pulled at Coltrane’s mouth, and I ignored the way it reminded me of Mrs. Miller’s expression when she forced me to kneel on rice…
My room in the Anders’home returned to focus as the memories of that night faded. At the time, I’d assumed Coltrane was giving me tough love to keep me on track, but in hindsight, I realized just how fucked up that conversation was.
Coltrane used my guilt to convince me to stay. Did she believe in my potential that much, or did she only see a sad, grief-stricken girl she could mold into a soldier?
Fane’s presence in the house suddenly registered, shattering the thoughts of my past like delicate porcelain. No one else except him could steal my attention away within seconds.
I grimaced into the darkened room. No matter how much we fought this thing and each other, the bond between us continued to strengthen. His emotions had leaked into me tonight, and I’d even managed to take his pain.
Knots fisted in my chest as the words I spoke to him swam through my mind. I’d called him a beast and a monster before, but not in such a hurtful wayandright after his confrontation with his fated mate who rejected him.
