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If the white is to symbolize purity, then it is a mistake. Because there is very little purity here tonight, and I can’t help but feel like it’s all my fault.
Andries isn’t here in person, and yet, his shadow still is. On this terrace, he and I have fenced, drank, and talked for hours. I’ve played pool with him on the same billiard table where I just defiled his sister. I’m full of shame, and at the same time, adrenaline about what has just occurred. Going down on Elise will be one of the things I will remember until the day I die, feeling her all around me, her legs against my ears and her handsin my hair… fuck. I’m a lost soul when it comes to this woman, and I just can’t escape her. I have zero sense of self-preservation.
The fireworks continue, so loud that I can barely hear myself think. Elise meets my eyes from where she’s standing behind the cake, a lazy, satisfied grin on her face. It makes my heart thump against the wall of my chest. I’ve thought this entire time if she and I hooked up, then I might be able to get this thing I feel for her out of my system. Then, I still would have betrayed Andries, but at least it’d only be one single time. After that, I could return to being the good, truthful friend I’ve always been. There would only be that one single secret between us. But everything Elise and I just did together has a heaviness to it that I didn’t expect… and that heaviness was full of emotion. Ifeelsomething for Elise, something more than lust and sexual chemistry. Something more than just affection for my best friend's sister. I like her, cherish her even, above and independent of all of that.
I know the name of the feeling. I’ve never felt it for another woman, but I can’t say it out loud. Hell, I can’t even say it in my head. Because if I do, then it becomes real, and I’m well and truly fucked. Even more so than I already am.
The cake is cut as the fireworks wind down. Someone hands me a piece on a tiny golden plate. I take a single bite before sitting it down on a table and leaving it behind. I have no appetite.
Music is swelling and thumping from the DJ booth on the lawn. It feels like the crowd carries me there, all of them moving toward the same goal at once. Elise is already there when I arrive, her hands held to the sky and body moving to the music with reckless abandon. She's an athlete, an accomplished hunter, and rider, and when she moves like this, it’s all too apparent how in control and in tune she is with her body. Every movement is practiced, precise, and intentional. I know without a doubt that she would apply that same focus in bed, using thatbeautiful form of hers to bring her partner the most pleasure possible, while also chasing down her own, not unlike the hunt that she is so good at. Right now, I would almost rather be the deer in her scope rather than the man she pursues… At least if I was the prey, then I wouldn’t also be a traitor to my best friend.
Still, there’s no escaping her, and all my self-doubt and misery dissipates as she slinks through the throngs of people and takes my hand, pulling me into the fray and against her body. The song is nameless, just some remix of popular songs on the radio, but I barely register it anyway. I can feel the bass in my bones, and it helps me dance with her, moving in tandem. I slot her against me, her back to my front, her sinfully round ass pressing against my groin. It’s wrong, wrong, wrong, especially in light of the billiards room escapade, but no one gives us a second glance. Everyone is dancing close, sharing laughter and carefree smiles, and we blend in. Except, what is flowing between us is anything but carefree.
Elise’s head leans back, her head on my shoulder, taking my hands in hers and guiding them to her hips. We sway together, and I’m harder than I’ve ever been in my life––the taste of her still on my lips and tongue. We were seconds… literalseconds, from fucking. Now, only the layers of our clothes separate us. A pair of linen pants and a silk dress. It isn’t enough… but it’s too much.
I don’t know how long this goes on… through a few songs like this one and then one slow song that seems almost more intimate than the others, but eventually she grabs my hand and pulls me from the dancefloor, claiming she’s thirsty. Like a loyal dog, I follow her without question, watching her drink chilled water from a server's tray until a single drop rolls down her throat. Every ounce of my willpower is focused on not licking it from her skin.
Elise returns the empty glass, but asks the server, “Are my parents still on the terrace?”
The server shakes his head. “No, ma’am. I believe they went to bed.”
“Oh, alright.” She turns to me, fire in her eyes. “Did you hear that, Dan? They’ve gone to bed.”
When the server leaves, she’s pulling me forward again, but I dig my heels in. “Where exactly are we going, Elise?”
“There’s a guest bedroom next to the billiards room. We have some unfinished business to attend to, don’t we?”
Yes!My body screams, but I shake my head. “Elise… we’ve already been too far tonight. Didn’t I take care of you?”
“Well, yes, but I had more in mind than just that….”
“You know how guilty all this makes me feel. Everything is so incredible in the moment, but when that moment is overall I’m left with is the guilt for betraying your brother.”
She huffs, rolling her eyes. “Andries isn’t here, for the millionth time, and everyone is dancing and enjoying themselves. The party is winding down. No one will miss us. Come on, Dan.”
She looks like heaven in this silk dress… like an angel, almost, but I feel like she’s dragging me to hell at the same time. I just can’t tell her no.
“Fine, but wereallyneed to be discreet.”
Elise almost jumps for joy; she’s so excited to get her way. She laces her fingers through mine and then we walk toward the house. I can feel my pulse in my ears.
It’s impossible to resist her enthusiasm, though, and before I know it I’m grinning along with her, pulling her to me and kissing her on the way to the bedroom. If I’m going to do all these morally wrong things, I might as well enjoy the process.
Just as her hand lands on the bedroom doorknob, my phone begins to ring. I frown, wondering who would be calling me so late, and pull it out to check.
It’s Andries.
“What the fuck,” I whisper, more to myself than her. “Does he have like a secret sense for when I’m messing around with his sister?”
“Ignore it,” Elise insists, opening the door and coaxing me in. “Don’t let him get in your head.”
I hesitate, but do as she asks, silencing it and sitting it on the nightstand. Elise is on me instantly, her hands sliding up my chest and her lips on mine. She tastes like cake sugar and champagne. I cup her face in my hands… just as my phone rings again.
I give it one more shot, reaching behind me and silencing it, but as soon as the call ends it begins again. I have to pull my lips away from Elise’s, knowing that Andries wouldn’t blow up my phone unless he actually needed me.
“It could be an emergency,” I say when she protests, trying to drag me back into the kiss. “I can’t just ignore him.”
“Fine,” she huffs, crossing her arms and waiting for me to pick up the call.
