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She looks conflicted, but at the end of the day, she is my PA and I’m her boss. Poppy nods tightly and leaves my office. Her shoulders are stiff, and I know she wants to talk more, but there is no point. I have to see everything clearly if I’m going to be confident in my decision. Maybe I would never be happy about it, so confidence would have to be enough.
Just like yesterday, I can’t settle. There is too much in my mind and body for me to be content sitting here all day making schedules and calculating time sheets. Frustrated, I close the window I’m working on and stand, pacing to the floor-to-ceiling window and staring outside, hoping the wider view would give me a little more space to think.
It’s a beautiful day out, only a few white, fat clouds floating across the sun breaking up the light every now and then. If I sell the agency, I’d have more time to be outside on days like this, feeling the sunshine on my skin and breathing in fresh air. An early retirement wouldn’t be all bad I guess, but there is still a part of me that would rather be working here instead of tanning on some distant beach. Here I was the boss. Here I was in control, and as I know all too well, control isn’t a sure thing anywhere else in the world.
I’m lost in thought when my phone rings. It’s my cell, not the office phone, and the screen indicates it’s my sister calling.I answer gladly, realizing that we never discussed her setting Andries and I up and the bookstore.
“I can’t believe you haven’t called to chew me out already,” Lili jokes first thing.
“I would have… except, your little scheme worked out pretty well. He kissed me.”
“What!” she gasps. “Tell me everything!”
So I do. I know she meant everything about that night at the bookstore, but I tell her everything else, too. The bookshop, the masquerade, Andries sleeping over… everything. I crave her advice on the issue with selling the agency, so I tell her that as well, asking her what she thinks. I never hesitate to tell my sister anything. Her opinion matters more to me than anyone else’s.
“So are you really going to step down?” she asks, incredulously.
“I’m considering it… It’s complicated. I understand where Andries is coming from, and I really do want a second chance at this relationship, but on the other hand, I don’t think it’s fair that he can’t accept me as a whole, agency and all.”
Lili is quiet for a moment. “You might not like to hear this, but I’m on Andries’ side about this. You aren’t running a modeling agency or anything like that. Amsterdam is one of the few places your business would even be legal. There’s a reason it is banned in other parts of the world.”
“I know, I know. Trust me. But the agency is just such a big part of my life, and it’s hard to let it go. It feels like giving up something I’ve crafted with my own two hands for so much of my life.”
“I understand that part, too, Roxie, I promise I do. Only you can make the right choice for you. If you let anyone else talk you into a choice, you’ll question whether it was the right one for the rest of your life. This is all you, dear sister.”
After we hang up, I grip the phone in my hand and consider Lili’s words. She’s right that, no matter how much advice I get, I can’t make any other decision than the one that feels right for me. I’ve only ever followed my own gut, and I’ll have to continue to do so from here on out.
I sit back down at my desk, intending on getting some real work done, but before I can put my phone in my desk drawer it pings. It isn’t my sister this time, though. It’s Karl.
The girl declined the settlement again. No idea why. Something’s off. Call me when you can.
The more interesting part of this text is that Karl somehow believes I want Patricia to sign it. For me, whether she goes to court or not, is the same, but I’m too curious to get to know more about Karl’s scheming, that I decide to call him, nevertheless.
“What do you mean she declined the offer?” I ask in disbelief when he answers, feigning indignation. “It’s so much money. I never would have dreamed she’d turn it down.”
“Me either,” he replies, sounding equally confused. “Her lawyer called mine and said she’s not taking it. As of yesterday she was about to sign, so I have no idea what happened. Roxanne…” He sighs. “Can you call her on my behalf? She might listen to you.”
“You must be joking,” I blurt out upon hearing his request. “You know I'm supposed to be on her side for the trial.”
He pauses before asking, “Are you, Roxie? On her side?”
I laugh sardonically. “Don’t ask me that, you asshole. I’m still so angry with you.”
“Can’t you just call her and try to catch up? See if she’ll drop some information? I’m sure you’d rather be up to date on what's going on instead of in the dark. She trusts you. I bet she’ll talk.”
It’s so wrong, but… he’s also right. I don’t like to be kept in the dark. “Fine. I’ll see what I can do.”
Before my moral compass can stop me, I dial Patricia’s number and wait for her to answer, trying to think of the best way to go about this without sounding like I’m prying into her business. She picks up, sounding apprehensive, so I start out gently.
I ask her how she is, and if she’s feeling okay. Patricia loosens up slowly, obviously happy to have someone to talk to, so I press my luck and invite her out for coffee. Maybe in person she’d be more down for gossiping.
“Oh, uh. No thanks, Roxanne. I’ve got a lot of stuff to do for school, and I’m trying to avoid being out in public as much as possible.”
“I understand,” I reply lightly. “I just thought you might want to do something more normal. I’m sure you’ve been spending a lot of time alone.”
“Yeah, I have. But what else is there for me to do besides go to school…?” She sounds so down that it makes me feel guilty, and I know I have to get to the bottom of this conversation before I chicken out.
“That’s… unfortunate. Have you heard from Karl lately? I heard that he wanted you to sign a settlement. I bet you’re relieved if that’s the case since this will all be over soon.”
