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Amsterdam, December 29, 2021
Andries
I’m burning up.Burning alive with everything that I’m feeling, it’s almost like I’m being pulled backward by some imaginary tether around my waist as I leave Roxanne’s office. I’m so keenly aware of her presence standing behind the door that I just closed.
I keep walking as fast as I can, crossing the open layout with her staff around, feeling that tether pull tighter and tighter as I do so.Fuck it. I know it’ll eventually have to snap one way or another.
As I finally step outside of her building, the air is cold on my cheeks and running through my hair like frozen fingers, but even that isn’t enough to stop me, not even long enough to pull my hood up. If I stop, I’m afraid I’ll turn around and run back to that office where I was just humiliated so deeply. There’s still enough rage inside me, being the catalyst that propels me forward, and I can’t give up that advantage while I still have it.
I remember how far from her office I’d asked my driver to drop me off, not wanting to let him know the exact address I was heading to. I had to walk a few blocks to get to her building, which had been torturous when I had been dreading the encounter, but now that I’m fleeing, I appreciate that I have those few moments to gather myself before I reach the car.
I truly have no idea what will happen now. I feel like I’ve experienced so much in the last few days that my body and mind can’t hold it all. This heartbreak is a gut-punch of feeling, and while it’s just as intense as the love I still hold for that woman, it’s infinitely more miserable.
How could she do this to me? Why wasn’t she just honest?
Questions I had contemplated over and over again the past few days. What exactly would have been different if Roxanne had told me the truth? The fact that I still don’t know how exactly things would have gone down tells me that I’m not as sure of myself as I’d like to think. I find her job of choice to be disgusting, but her insistence that she herself doesn’t escort anymore does change things, at least minutely. Not enough for me to be able to forgive her lies, but enough that I don’t want to go home and scrub my entire body down to the bone to remove the memories of her. I can live with the fact I’ve been her lover, but living with having been in love with her? That’s a different story.
Do I want to die? No, that’s foolish. But right now, I’d be perfectly content not existing on this Earth, at least for a brief period of time.
I don’t look behind me as I spot my driver pulling my door open and I slide inside without a second glance. Both possibilities would’ve been too painful; if Roxanne had followed me, I’d have had to turn her away again in anger, but if I had turned back to see an empty sidewalk… that would have been just as terrible. Part of me had hoped she’d chase after me, butthere were no words from her wicked mouth that could change my mind. Not now. Not ever.
I might be a poet and student, but I’m also a man who often feels too young for the soul which occupies his body. Today is one of those days, because missing and hating Roxanne at the same time feels like some grudge that should have been built over decades of longing. If it hurts this badly now, I can’t even imagine what it would feel like when it’s old and concentrated. Less at the forefront of my mind, but sharper and deeper than ever before.
I love her, still, and I hate her more than I thought possible for a man to hate a woman he knew through and through.
Except you’re not the only one that knows her that way, my traitorous mind hisses.
I resist the urge to sink my fist into the back of the headrest, and I can see my driver’s nervous glance in the rearview mirror as I work my jaw to try and dispel my more violent desires.
For a few valiant minutes, I try to concentrate on other things. Class, the upcoming events I will be required to spend with my family, all the projects I’m still working on… but nothing occupies me long enough to keep me entirely distracted. I blow out a breath slowly, playing the last hour over again in my thoughts. Roxanne’s shock when she saw it was me, the hollow look she wore as she figured out what it all meant, and the rising anger that I could easily read in her frame as I tore her down…. I used words I never imagined I would attribute to the woman I love, but suddenly they all fit her so perfectly.
She had been glorious in her rage, though, raising herself onto her toes, spine as straight as an arrow and storms brewing in the depths of her eyes. Under any other circumstances, it’d have drawn me to her. Roxanne’s passion in any form did that, at least before. Now it’s all dirty and tainted.
If everything goes the way I planned it, I’d never have to see her in person again. It’ll take some time to remove her things completely out of my apartment, since we had been all but living together, but with each piece I remove I’ll be a step closer to having her be a thing of my past and my past only.
I feel my phone buzz in my pocket, and I hesitate to even check to see who is calling, wanting to take this time of painful reflection alone, but curiosity gets the better of me. It’s Elise, which is both a relief and a disappointment. The toxic part of me wanted it to be Roxanne, but it’s certainly good that it wasn’t. I can only hope this hysteria dies down quickly.
I accept the call and put the phone against my cheek. “Hello, Elise.”
“How did it go?” she asks curtly. No time for pleasantries when it comes to my sister.
“As miserable as could be expected.”
“I bet she was shocked. It serves her right.” There’s a note of satisfaction in Elise’s voice that rubs me the wrong way, but I let it go.
“Yes, it was every bit as awful as you wanted it to be, I’m sure. Did you want anything else, or were you only calling to soak up that negative energy you love so much?”
Elise scoffs. “I was calling to check up on you too, you know. How are you doing?”
I grit my teeth. “I’m doing awful, Elise. What do you think? This is the biggest shock of my life, but I’m assuming you think I should be taking it in stride?”
“I’m going to meet you at the apartment, and we’ll get that witch’s things out today so you can fully move on.” She ignores my miniature rant, and I can hear her gathering her things as she speaks, ready to head to my place.
It's a good idea, purging Roxanne completely from my life immediately, but I hate the idea of it being over so rapidly. Partof me still needed to hold on to at least part of her. One day Roxie was completely ingrained in my life, and the next she’d be completely gone, as if she had never been there in the first place.
“We don’t have to rush,” I offer.
