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“Yes, we do. The less time you have to think about her, the better,” my sister insists.
“Nothing short of a mind wipe or a lobotomy would get her out of my brain completely, but whatever you say.”
I can hear her sliding inside the backseat of a car, right before she shuts the door behind her. “You guys weren’t even together that long, Andries. You’ll be okay.”
“Again. Whatever you say.”
I hear her exhale in frustration. “This conversation is going nowhere. I’ll see you soon.”
I hang up without saying anything else. She’s right, of course, but I fear that for some time, no conversation with me will bear much fruit. I need time to reflect, rage, mourn, and heal. Whether I’m strong enough to get to that last step is yet to be seen.
I close my eyes and lean my head back against the headrest, trying to zone out until we reach my apartment again, but right behind my eyelids is everything I’m trying to forget. With nothing else to do, I give in, and let it all wash over me.
No lights are on in my home, and the gray light from outside casts everything in somber colors, a fitting setting for how I’m feeling. I quickly try to calculate how much time I have before Elise arrives, and if I have time for a drink before she gets here. I’ve just reached the liquor cabinet and pulled it open when I hear the hydraulic hiss of the elevator reaching my floor.Cursing, I let the cabinet door close and turn to face my sister as she opens the door. I should’ve known Mom gave her a spare key.
Only it isn’t just Elise.
Behind her is Dan, looking sheepish as he follows my sister inside. I can tell immediately from his posture that it wasn’t his idea to tag along, but that Elise had forced him to. If I was in a better state of mind, I’d almost be impressed by my sister's tenacity. She is going to be a tour de force as she changes from young woman to adult, and I’m not sure if the world is quite ready for her.
“You can leave, Dan. This is a family matter,” I say, but Elise is already shaking her head.
“No. I told him everything, and you need another man here. Being babied by a bunch of women is just going to make you sink further into your ‘woe-is-me’ mindset, and that’s the last thing we need.”
I narrow my eyes. “You had no right to tell anyone my business like that.”
“He’s your best friend! Who, frankly, you have been neglecting just like the rest of us while you were off being obsessed with that harlot, so why don’t you wipe that pouty look off your face and greet him properly.”
I slide my gaze to Dan, who has gone from looking slightly embarrassed to slightly offended, shooting a glance at Elise. “Come on, lady. I’m not a puppy, I’m not feelingneglected,” he sputters.
I know the moment should be funny, but my world is still too gray for all of that. “Stay or go, Dan. I don’t care either way.”
He turns to me now, an understanding look in his eyes as he walks over and claps his hand on my shoulder. “I’m going to stay, man. And I’m here if you need me, whether you want totalk or just drink ourselves stupid. Although honestly, I prefer drinking.”
Fake it till you make it, my dad’s voice whispers through my consciousness, giving me enough energy to return Dan’s half-embrace. “Yeah, I figured that’s what you’d prefer.”
Elise watches us with her arms crossed, and when she has judged our greeting is complete, she starts to wave us into action. She digs underneath my sink until she finds a box of trash bags, throwing them onto the counter.
“All of Roxanne’s things are to be put in the garbage bags where they belong, and then right out into the hallway. I’ll put them on the curb and call her when we’re done. Then we can wash our hands of this whole mess. Now, chop-chop, get to bagging.”
Elise is a pain in my ass, but I feel like a puppet on strings right now and having someone plan my actions out for me helps more than she can know. I need someone to give me commands because my thoughts are somewhere outside my body.
I go to reach for a trash bag, but as I do, my phone goes off. Dan and Elise both freeze and look at me, but before I can pull it out of my pocket, my sister holds her hand out. I hand her the phone without a second thought, eyes toward the ceiling so I can’t even see the contact photo on the screen. I know it’s Roxanne, and if my sister has the phone, then at least I won’t have the temptation to answer it. I’d like to think I’d just tell her to fuck off, but there is that little traitorous part of me that might beg her to forgive me, and it isn’t worth the risk.
She’s a liar and part of an industry I don’t want to associate myself with. I have to keep that at the forefront of my mind. Not the smell of her hair or the feeling of her skin under my fingertips.
Fuck, I hate this.
Elise silences the phone and tucks it into the pocket of her pants, wiping her hands on them afterward, as if just the idea of the woman calling is distasteful. I can’t really blame her.
The conversation is stilted as we work, with Dan trying to keep things light and humorous while Elise wants to be all business, planning my days going forward out loud as if I’m completely incapable of living my own life. Well, I guess she isn’t wrong for the time being, but she reminds me so much of Mom when she’s like this that I find myself becoming exasperated to the point that I tune her out completely.
“How are you really doing, Andries?” Dan asks when we have a second alone. “Like,really. Not putting up a tough face in front of your sister, but the honest truth.”
“Like shit.”
“Yeah, obviously.” Dan shoots a glance around us, but Elise is still in the bathroom, so he continues, talking quickly. “Listen, I’m not going to harangue you, but is there any way you might have acted too rashly here? Did you get Roxie’s whole side of the story before you made your decision or–”
Elise returns, and my friend jumps like a little kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. She squints as she looks between the two of us, hands on her hips, but she grabs her half-full bag without saying anything.
