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She must know that, and even if she doesn’t, I do.
“You know that there isn’t ever going to be a chance of a happily-ever-after on the table for us,” I continue. “But I like spending time with you. I like spending my nights with you. The sex is great, and I don’t see the point of stopping when you’re not ready for a relationship anyway. And you keep talking about how much you like not having to be someone else when you’re with me. You wanted me to teach you how to care less, so stick by me and I’ll keep showing you.”
She visibly swallows and then reaches for her wine, her hand shaking a little as she picks up the glass. I’m happy she doesn’t look as certain about putting an end to us anymore, but I’m not happy she still looks so vulnerable.
“So you want to keep going?” she asks. “And this would be an indefinite thing?”
“Yeah,” I say to her, leaning back in my chair and holding her gaze. “I want to keep spending my nights with you until you, or I, decide it’s not fun anymore, or you’re ready for something else, and then we stop.”
“And then what? We go back to being friends?”
“Yeah.”
I smile, showing her it’ll be okay, even as doubt strings my whole body tight. Once we’ve burned out whatever this thing is between us, and she’s ready to start seriously looking for a relationship, I’m not sure how we’ll ever go back. Truthfully, I hate the idea of my life without Lainey in it—all the more reason not to put a label on what we’re doing. I don’t want to get used to her and used to us, because if she does cut me loose—and what are the chances she won’t when my mother and Amber both did?—it’s going to hurt like hell.
“I just don’t know,” she says softly.
“Why not?” I ask, trying to keep the desperation out of my voice. “You haven’t given it a real chance. I know what we’re doing is different from what you’re used to, but this is different for me, too. As long as it works for us, why do we have to call it anything or put a stop to it?”
“Would we be... exclusive?” Lainey asks.
The word exclusive with anyone else would make me feel like breaking out in hives, but this is Lainey and I know what she’s asking. Am I going to screw other girls while I’m screwing her?
“I won’t have sex with anyone else until things are over between us.”
That’s as much of a commitment as I can give her. I don’t want her to feel insecure about what we’re doing. I just don’t think we need any other kind of label on it. Lainey and I both had our hearts smashed to bits the last time we were involved with someone. All I’m suggesting we do now is eliminate the expectations that label might bring us and instead focus on each other and having fun together.
She looks down at her plate. “I need to think about it.”
I want to push her to say yes, but if she needs time to process what I’ve said, I’ll try to give it to her. I reach out and trail my thumb over her knuckles. “I’ll start installing your system. Thanks for dinner. It was good.”
She gives me another small smile. “You’re welcome.”
After leaving the table, I go about setting up the security system I purchased on Lainey’s behalf. As I check that the unit is up and working, I try not to think about the people who broke in the first time coming back. Even with the unit installed, I’m not keen on Lainey staying here by herself.
Once the last screw is in and I’m satisfied the system is working the way it should, I go searching for Lainey. She’s in the kitchen, looking out the window as she sips from her glass of wine. She’s so deep in thought that she startles slightly as I walk up behind her. One guess as to what she’s thinking about. I’m impatient and anxious waiting for her verdict. I know this arrangement can work for us. I just wish she’d hurry up and see that.
“I’m done with the installation,” I tell her.
“Thanks for taking care of it,” she says, motioning in the direction of the unit. “I’ll pay you back as soon as I can. And thank you for letting me crash at your place for the past few days.”
“I liked it, Lainey. I liked having you at my place. I like having you around.”
Silence.
And it’s not a comfortable silence. It’s awkward as Lainey turns around to face me and our gazes collide. I want to wrap my arms around her and pull her to me, to comfort and reassure her, but I also want to give her the space she needs to make her decision.
“I’m really not sure this is a good idea,” she murmurs.
“Then I’ll give you more time to think about it,” I tell her. “I brought stuff with me so I could stay the night, but I can go home if you’d prefer.”
Staying the night isn’t something I’d do with anyone else, but we’ve spent the past four nights together and I kind of like falling asleep next to her. She fits into my arms beautifully. Not to mention the sex in the morning is always off the charts. We’re just two friends spending the night and enjoying each other, nothing to be too worried about.
Her indecision is written all over her face. Momentarily forgetting my resolution not to persuade her one way or another, I reach out and pull her to me.
“I know you’re nervous about this, but can we just try it?” I ask.
She looks up at me, her eyes searching mine. “I’m scared it would be a terrible mistake.”
Maybe it will be. Maybe this will be too hard on her, but I can’t imagine walking away from her tonight and never kissing her again. The thought turns me inside out. “I’m not ready to stop spending my nights with you, Lainey. Can you honestly say you’re done with me?”
“No,” she says. The fear that flashes in her eyes confuses me and makes my stomach feel as though I’m hurtling through the air at two hundred kilometres an hour. “No, I’m not done with this or you at all.”
The relief grabbing hold of me is so strong that I can’t resist brushing my lips over hers. Once. Twice. The third time, her lips part underneath mine and our tongues tangle and dance as she presses her hips against mine.
Knowing she’s as hungry for me as I am for her fills me with an indescribable need to take her, to claim her. To erase any idea she had about ending this and ending us. I need her, and I’m not letting her go until I’ve reminded her just how good we are together, and just how perfect this arrangement can be for both of us.
