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Lainey
Cass leans in closerto the mirror as she applies another coat of mascara to her already thick lashes. The two of us are ‘powdering our noses’ in the bathroom of Barnaby’s, where Duncan, Cass, Ben, and I are on some kind of double date. Except that it’s not a double date, because whatever Ben and I are doing doesn’t extend to dating.
“I don’t understand why you agreed to it, Lainey. I thought you were going to end it.”
“So did I.”
I should have ended my sexual relationship with Ben, I’m not arguing that. It’s been a week since the break-in at my place and in that one week, Ben and I have spent every night giving in to the intense sexual connection we share, as well as hanging out together. I’m in over my head and I’m questioning if we can ever truly come back from the place we’re going—if I can come back from this when we stop sleeping together. Because even though I don’t expect more than sex from Ben, my feelings for him just keep growing, despite my best efforts to stop them.
He said we should keep having sex until I’m over Lucas or ready for a relationship. I should have told him right then that I’m over Lucas, but did I?
No, I did not.
I’ve avoided telling him for so long that it’s become a lie of omission, one I’m not prepared to fess up to because I’m worried about what he’ll think of the fact I hid it for so long.
“Clearly, I’m a masochist,” I say.
“Clearly,” Cass agrees.
Cass finishes reapplying her make-up, puts her mascara wand back in her handbag and turns to face me, her mouth in a grim line. “I’m nervous, Lainey. I’m scared Ben’s going to have you curled up in bed for another three months, neglecting your friends and your work and falling into a deep depression again.”
“I have no intention of falling apart. I’m expecting it to end this time. At least Ben was right about that. I can’t exactly live in a state of denial while we’re together. He won’t let me. I know better than to believe things are going to work out between us.”
“And you’re not hoping he’s going to change his mind and want more?”
“No. He laid it all out for me. I know what he’s willing to offer me and what he wants. He told me straight out that we will never have a happy ending. Only a fool would allow herself to believe in a fairy-tale ending. I was a fool when I was with Lucas. I’m not deluding myself where Ben is concerned.”
There will be no dashed expectations this time. No shattered visions of me in white, walking down the aisle towards Ben.
No dreams about spending my life with the man in question.
“Lainey—”
“I know, Cass. What I’m doing is dangerous. But this thing I have with Ben is also helping me. Being with him... it’s the first time I’ve been with someone I care about and felt like I could actually be myself. This is helping me in the long term.”
She looks as confused and doubtful as I feel. “Are you absolutely certain you’re not holding out for more?”
“I’m sure, and I promise I’ll deal with the end of Ben and me better than I dealt with the end of Lucas and me.”
“Okay,” she says, letting the subject go for now. “How’s the book going?”
“I’m still making revisions, but I’ve started working on my next project.”
“Really?” Cass asks, excitement shining in her eyes. “What’s this one about?”
I take a deep breath. “It’s about a security expert—an ex-bodyguard—who is in love with his ex-girlfriend.”
Cass’s smile vanishes. “Really, Lainey. You’re writing about him, too?”
I don’t even pretend I don’t know what she’s talking about. “I’m writing his happy ending because he never got one.”
“You’re writing about Ben and Amber?”
“Yeah.”
“Doesn’t that hurt?”
“Yes, but the pain is good for my writing.”
