AllFreeNovel
Share Us
25
Alexis
I find Mom in her backyard, replacing the Golden Dewdrops that were destroyed by the Hurricane. Lingering by the door, I take her in for a moment. I don’t really know why I’m here, but I need her. It’s funny how some things can change a person’s whole perspective. As I sat on the porch, coffee cup clutched between hands that felt cold despite the heat from the cup, and watched the sunrise, I realized that the childhood I always resented wasn’t all that bad. Sure, Dad cheated and was absent a lot, but at least he provided us with a safe environment to grow up in. And I had a mother who was fierce in her love for me. She startles a bit when she sees me, but her whole face lights up with a smile. I don’t care that her hands are dirty, that there’s soil smudged all over her clothes, I close the distance between us and pull her in for a hug, clutching her tightly. I can’t hug the person I really want to, so I hug the hell out of her instead.
“Alexis, honey. I wasn’t expecting you.”
I breathe her in for a few seconds before grabbing her hands and stepping back.
“I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being who you are. Thank you for being the best Mother anyone could ever ask for. Thank you for always putting Lillian and me first, no matter what. I love and appreciate you more than you could ever know.”
“What’s brought this on?” she says with a soft smile.
“I just…” I take a deep breath. “I just think I don’t tell you enough how much you mean to me.”
“Oh, honey.” She pulls me in for another hug and murmurs softly in my ear. “Let’s go inside. I’ll make us some coffee and a nice breakfast, and then you can tell me what’s wrong.”
I never understood a mother’s intuition, but since having Lizzy, I completely get it.
“Coffee sounds good, but I’m not hungry.” There’s no way I can eat anything right now. A feeling of sickness has settled right into the marrow of my bones, and it doesn’t feel as if it will ever go away.
A cup of coffee in my hand, I walk over to the window overlooking the backyard.
“Talk to me, honey,” Mom says gently.
“If I talk now, I’m going to cry, and I don’t want to do that.” I clench my eyes shut, rubbing them with my free hand. I’m exhausted, confused, and a multitude of other emotions. I’m just seriously messed up right now. I mean, what am I supposed to do now? What am I supposed to think? How am I supposed to feel about everything?
“It’s okay to cry.”
“I’m so damn sick of crying.”
“Where’s Lizzy?”
“Lill took her shopping,” I say absently. There’s no way I can pretend to be normal for her today, so I asked Lillian to take her for a few hours. Hopefully, that will be enough time to get my shit together.
“Do you believe Lucas loves me?” I ask, turning around.
“Yes.,” she answers without hesitation.
“Do you think I should forgive him?”
This time she takes her time answering. “Nobody can tell you that. That’s something only you can decide.”
I want Mom to tell me what to do. I want her to give me answers to all these questions I have, but there is no way I can reveal Lucas’s past to her. That is not my story to tell. A thing I came to terms with while watching the sunrise was how his actions were driven by his childhood trauma. It wasn’t about us at all. Logically, I can understand that, but it doesn’t magically wipe away the hurt I’m feeling. It still hurt that he was with Monica. And it hurts like hell that there’s this huge part of him he never shared with me. He told me it was because of shame, but I would have understood. I would have supported him because I love him. Thinking like that makes me feel selfish. I shouldn’t be thinking about what I want. It should be about Lucas and what he needs. It hurts me to the core of my being, knowing that my big, strong husband had been hurt. He’s always been solid and steady, the foundation our lives had been built on. Do I not owe him a measure of that strength back?
My coffee is cold when I take a sip, so I empty it in the sink, rinsing the cup before taking a seat at the table.
“I’ve found out some things that happened in his past that make me understand his actions, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.” That’s all I’m willing to reveal to her.
“Alexis, Lucas isn’t your dad. Your dad cheated because he wanted to and because he could. There weren’t any consequences for his actions, and because I was too scared to break up my home, I turned a blind eye and allowed it. Lucas loves you. Your dad never looked at me the way he looks at you. I don’t know what the things are that happened to him, and I’m not going to ask.” She takes my hands into her warm ones and gives them a light squeeze. “If you take away Lucas’s cheating, is he a man worth fighting for?”
I nod my head because that was never in doubt. Apart from the cheating, I couldn’t have asked for a better husband or father for our child. “He is, but how do I forgive him? How do I stop seeing what he did and get past that?”
“If you truly want to save your marriage, you both have to fight for it. It won’t help if you’re not both a hundred percent committed to making it work. And once you’ve made that decision, you stick to it and do whatever you have to do.”
