AllFreeNovel
Share Us
26
Alexis
I hesitate at the sight of his solitary figure on the beach. My heart is screaming to go to him, but I’m a coward and I’m scared. I don’t know what to say. What do you say when you find out something that’s so terrible that just thinking about it makes you sick? What do you say to the person who had to live through it?
When I’ve finally gathered enough courage, I walk up to him and sit down, close enough to feel his body heat, but not quite touching. Other than the slight tensing of his body, he doesn’t acknowledge me, keeping his gaze out on the ocean. His jacket, shoes, and socks all lie in a heap next to him. It’s so unlike him to be so careless with his things.
He’s feeling vulnerable. It’s in the way he’s avoiding my eyes and the way his body is slumped forward, arms wrapped around his drawn-up knees. It’s in the way his toes are burrowed in the sand. He’s always felt self-conscious about them, calling them ugly and stumpy. He was so relieved when he saw Lizzy’s toes looked nothing like his.
I can’t blame him for feeling vulnerable because he doesn’t know what to expect. My text, asking him to meet, was short. What we needed to say had to be done in person, no matter how hard, so if this is hard for me, how hard is it for him?
I want to weep, but I swallow down my tears. My eyes follow the flight of a seagull, soaring on an updraft, its wings stretched wide, while my mind cast around for something to say.
When all is said and done, there’s only one thing I can say, so I whisper, “I love you.”
His shoulders cave in, and his body starts trembling. My soul hurts for what he’s gone through and the burden he’s been bearing alone, so I get up on my knees and pull him into me.
He comes willingly, burying his face in the crook of my neck. His shoulders shake, the warmth of his tears wetting my neck. The anguish rolls off of him with every jerk of his body, a testimony of the emotional hell he’s going through. He doesn’t make a sound, breaking my heart even more. This was his life, living with this in silence.
My tears join his, and I want to wail and scream at the unfairness of it. I want to scream at everyone who’s ever failed him in his life, but I can’t. They’re all gone. So instead, I hold him, hoping that my embrace can give him back a small measure of the love and support he was owed but never got. Some sense of comfort.
When our tears dry up, I reluctantly let go. I don’t go far, sitting back down next to him and keeping hold of his hand.
“You don’t hate me?” he says, his head downturned.
My voice is fierce. “I could never hate you for what happened to you. You were just a child.” I might have burned his letters, but unfortunately, his words will always be burned into my brain. “I just wish…” He carries enough guilt on his shoulders for things he shouldn’t. I don’t want to add to that. I also don’t want to make this about me. “…I knew. So that I could have helped you,” I say, carefully picking my words.
His hand tightens on mine, but he still doesn’t meet my eyes. “So many times I wanted to. But I was scared.”
“You didn’t trust me?” My brows pull together. Did I fail him in that?
“I did and I still do. I didn’t trust myself. That I was good enough to be loved.”
I take a deep breath, trying to stem the tide of tears threatening again. I’m so damn sick of them.
“I wish you could see yourself the way I do. How strong and courageous you are. What a good father, husband, and provider you are.”
Finally his eyes meet mine. “I hurt you.”
I don’t deny it because he did. “I know.”
“Do you think…” His throat works as he swallows “…you’ll ever be able to forgive me?” he chokes out.
My eyes rest on his for a beat before looking out at the ocean. The silence lingers while I take my time to really think through it. The sound of the waves is almost hypnotic, soothing to my frayed nerves.
I think of my conversation with Mom and when she asked if I thought he was a man worth fighting for. There’s no doubt in my mind that yes, apart from the cheating, every last bit of him is worth fighting for.
He was the one that fought for us in the beginning. He was my rock when Dad died, unwavering in his support of not only me but Lillian and Mom as well. He was there, holding my hand when Lizzy was born, pulling his weight with her. He was my biggest cheerleader when I started my business. He is everything I could ever have asked for in a husband.
Doesn’t he deserve to be fought for?
Do what you have to do,echoes in my mind.
“Yes.” The word is soft, floating away on the breeze that’s gently ruffling our hair, but he hears it and exhales shakily, his head bowing. I tunnel my fingers into the sand that’s still a bit warm from the day’s scorching rays. “But it’s going to take time.”
I wish I could tell him, yes, I forgive him, yes, I trust him, and everything can go back to normal. It’s not that easy. The hurt, the suspicion, the distrust is still there and will be for a long time.
“I know. For as long as I live, I’ll regret that my inability to deal with my situation has hurt you. I’m going to do everything I can to deserve that forgiveness.”
