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My whole world tilted. It had been nineteen years since I saw him or spoke to him. Right till the end, he refused any kind of contact with me. I don’t know how long I sat staring at that envelope, unable to open it, but in that moment I was that little boy again. The feelings of guilt, anger, and despair were so overwhelming they made me sick. Any chance I ever might have had to apologize, to beg for his forgiveness, was gone.
And with that, the darkness was back. I felt as if I was sinking, but I had you and Lizzy in my life, my angels. How could I let this festering ugliness in me touch you? You were everything good and right in my world, and I knew if I let you see this side of me, I would lose you both.
So the next time I saw Monica, I did what I thought I needed to do to keep you. Please, I know you are probably so mad right now you’re breaking things. You’re thinking I’m using ‘I was thinking of you’ as an excuse. I might have then, but therapy is helping me to see that it was never about you and all about me, about trying to get control back in my life.
I don’t want to delve into that right now because therapy is an ongoing process, and I’m still far from being the man you deserve. The man I deserve to be.
I bumped into Monica at the gas station, of all places. It makes me sick to think of it, but I took her to her home, and I fucked her. I didn’t think about it, and I certainly didn’t plan it—it just happened. I used her and degraded her like I thought she deserved, punishing her for trying to take what didn’t belong to her, not realizing in my delusion that was exactly what I was giving her. Afterward, I threw a hundred bucks at her to thank her for her services and left.
And that was all it ever was. I promise it was never about love or lust. There’s only one woman I’ve ever felt that for, and that’s you. You’re the light in my world, Alexis, and even if you’re never mine again, that will never change.
So here I am, still paying for my sins. I live for your forgiveness, dreaming about it. I know I don’t deserve it, but still, I want it. If I can never have your love again, please, I beg you, forgive me at least.
I didn’t deserve you then, and I don’t deserve you now. Even though I know I don’t deserve you, I want you with everything that I am.
***
Lucas
Has she read it?
Is she feeling sickness roiling in the pit of her stomach?
Does she wish she never met me?
