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The shock had been overwhelming at the time, but together, E and I had formed an unshakeable bond because of it. Eventually, she was able to grow and thrive and through her example, the bitterness dissipated little by little. But it remained.
How could I believe in a pie crust notion like love when it was so easily broken? There was a snowball’s chance in hell I’d let my heart go through that again. Staying meant inevitable heartache.
The door slammed under its weight, snapping me back to reality. I had to move; Liam was going to see me. With every ounce of effort I could muster, I took a step. And then another.
Finally, I was around the corner and out of sight, with Liam’s footsteps growing fainter in the distance. I braced myself against the wall, splaying my hands out and above my drooping head. One breath in. One breath out.
Breathing was good.
It helped.
But not much.
The only thing that would truly help wasn’t here.
It wasn’t even remotely close.
Chapter 30
Lucy
Chula Vista
You know sometimesin job interviews when they ask you to choose an adjective or two to describe yourself? Well, I can tell you one that is currently true: cowardly. And sadly, not like the adorable, curly lion fromThe Wizard of Oz.
Nope. I was a genuine, bona fide, despicable coward. Instead of the cute, pouty tears the actor sported, I had blotchy skin and swollen eyes from ugly crying. There was no mischievous tail to hold or tug on to soothe my anxiety. Instead, the low braid I plaited three days ago resembled a bird’s nest with unkempt hair and flakes of gel shedding from time to time, creating the illusion of pure filth.
Had I showered recently? I couldn’t recall. My teeth were brushed at least. Eating was a chore. Holding a conversation with E was a joke.
It was all too hard. Too hard to get out of bed. To focus. To not think about him.
And the hardest realization was it was nobody’s fault but mine. I couldn’t pass the blame on anyone, though at first, I silently accused my parents.
That was rich. They were completely absent in my life. This was on me, all my doing. I just wasn’t ready to say it out loud.
E was smart enough to not question me. I guess the constant crying behind closed doors would be enough to deter even the nosiest of sisters. But I waited with baited breath how long she’d hold out. My guess was she’d scale the castle walls tonight and badger me.
I had to distract myself. It was the only way for the minutes to pass by without as much pain.
I still had the wedding photos from Chicago to edit, so I fired up my laptop and loaded the SD card. The images popped up in little thumbnails and I clicked the first one, starting a slideshow.
Andy and Jen’s smiles filled the frame, their love evident and strong. I was taken back to that day, the smells of the street vendors and the good-natured goading from their friends, Chris and Arnold. And then the temporary placated feeling fell away like a cliff eroding from beneath me.
Jake had posed with them for a handful of shots and now I was looking right at his face. Tears began to fall again, as he looked back at me through the monitor. If staring wasn’t bad enough, I zoomed in, zeroing in on his features. Wondering what he was doing. How upset he was with me. How he didn’t deserve to be ghosted.
Without thinking, I slammed the laptop shut, wiped my cheeks and grabbed my phone. It was the first time I had even thought to take a look at it; I knew what was waiting whenever I chose to swipe it open. The screen would be littered with notifications of missed calls and texts.
But I swiped up anyhow, ignoring them all as best I could. I was after iTunes. And a particular playlist at that.
My portable speaker was synced on Bluetooth, and soon the music filled my room, easing the tension in my shoulders.
After belting out the second chorus, I leaped out of fright when I saw E standing in front of me. She reached for the volume controls on the speaker as I reached for my heart, trying to recover from being startled.
“I’ve been knocking…” It was her way of apologizing and greeting me in one.
Wordlessly, I pointed to the speaker, miming the fact that it was impossible to hear anything. I didn’t feel like talking, let alone defending my reasoning to rocking out.
E opened her mouth to say something, but closed it quickly. Instead, she approached my bed where I had scooted against the headboard with a pillow across my middle defensively. As if feathers and synthetic fibers could protect me from what she was about to unleash.
