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It felt like I was losing the argument, that she couldn’t be swayed.
“But I don’t want to look back at my twenties and say I should have donemore. That I should have had an adventure.”
“I understand. I’m not trying to talk you out of doing what you want to do or moving somewhere else or taking a different job. But that doesn’t mean we can’t be together.”
“You’re missing the point. I don’t want to be seen as just Cash Young’s baby sister or MacKay Lennox’s girlfriend.”
Yep. I’d lost the argument. I felt it right then. The shift. There was no coming back from this. She didn’t want that label. She didn’t want me. Well, maybe she wanted me. But not enough.
Not enough for me to stay and torture myself.
“I understand,” I said, determined to not ruin things between us. But in order to do that, I needed to get the fuck out of there. “Just to be clear, you don’t want to date?”
“It’s not that I don’t want to but…
She didn’t finish the sentence.
I gave her a gentle nudge so she wasn’t on my arm and I sat up, throwing my legs over the edge of the mattress.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“Going home.”
ChapterEleven
Faith
I staredat MacKay as he peeled himself naked off of the mattress on my floor and rose to his full, glorious height. “You’re going home? It’s two in the morning. It’s a three hour drive.”
“I’m well aware of that fact.” He reached for his jeans and stepped into them without putting his briefs back on.
My skin suddenly felt cool without his heat surrounding me and I shivered. I knew I wasn’t conveying my feelings well and that I wasn’t telling him what he wanted to hear, but I thought he would stay. That we could talk about it more.
“You don’t have to leave,” I said, sitting up. I pulled the blanket up over my chest.
He paused in hitching up his jeans. “Yes, I do. I want something more than you do and I need to stop. We need to stop. This is all just pointless if we’re not going somewhere.”
“But…” I closed my eyes briefly. Tears were burning at the back of my lids. I didn’t want him to leave. I still wanted him.
Which was impossible and selfish.
“I don’t know how to get closure with you,” I told him, honestly.
“That’s the difference between us, Faith. I don’t want closure. I just wantyou.”
Oh, God. That made my heart leap with excitement and love and yet fear. Profound fear that I wasn’t ready for this. For any of it.
I didn’t know what to say, my emotions chaotic and in conflict with one another.
So I didn’t say anything.
MacKay’s shoulders dropped. He nodded and zipped his jeans up. “Okay,” he said. “I'll stop then. I want what’s best for you, Faith. I do.”
The tears came then and I tried to stop them, but I couldn’t. They just slid down my cheeks and I gripped the blanket, hurting and not totally understanding why. “I don’t want to hurt you,” I said, which didn’t encompass everything I felt. Not by a long shot. But it was what came out of my mouth.
He pulled his shirt on and squatted down so he was eye level with me. “Hey. Don’t cry. Please don’t cry. I’m tough, remember? It’s okay.” He brushed a kiss onto my forehead. “I’ll see you at work Monday. Make sure you lock the door behind me.”
Then he picked his shoes off of the floor and left my bedroom.
