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For a second, it was just him and me. Any one of my pack could do this to me, rip me so completely from reality, Meep Meep and the rock crusher could be back for Fluffaggedon 2: The Smashening, and I would have no idea, and it scared me. I watched those grey eyes widen, heard the rasp of his breath, and then my mouth was on his. He didn’t get to answer, of course he didn’t, because whatever this was that tugged us here and there was pulling on me hard right now. I felt all that was him rise up as the bond grew more intense, and I wanted to throw myself into it.
I wanted to drown in him, leave Finn and Slade and all the crap going on to one side and dive on in, because what Brandon showed me was glorious. It was as if his big reveal had allowed him to take the gloves off, and he no longer had to hide all he felt and knew behind a mysterious Doc-like façade. People had stopped calling him that anyway. Instead, there was only him and me.
He exhaled.
Brandon loved me in a way that was, to be frank, daunting. With all the other guys, there was a steady stream of worry, anger, frustration, or boredom that came with their love. We were human. We weren’t ‘stars in the eyes’ gone for each other twenty-four seven. Sometimes we didn’t want the same thing at the same time. Sometimes one of us wasn’t listening or understanding what the other was saying. Sometimes someone had eaten too many beans and had an attack of the farts. In all the ways that several distinct personalities could subtly fall out of sync, we had done so. You couldn’t get seven strong personalities together like this and expect it to be all hearts and flowers, but diving into Brandon’s inner world, there was none of that.
How can it be like this? I wondered, and thinking that seemed to transform the space. Rather than a formless intense feeling of love, I found Brandon and myself standing in what appeared to be a well-lit cave. Walls of stone surrounded us, but a huge skylight was torn in the ceiling, which let the sunlight stream down, caressing us and the plants that grew on the outcrops.
“You can’t compare me to the others,” Brandon said. “No one…knows you like I do.” He seemed almost embarrassed to make the statement. “They haven’t seen you like I have, haven’t experienced so much of what you’ve experienced, witnessed what you’ve become.” He shook his head slightly, forcing his eyes down, despite the fact our gazes were drawn together as if by strings.
“Why does that make you uncomfortable?”
“It doesn’t, Jules, it’s just hard for anyone to cope with. From my understanding, most couples thrive on having a little mystery. Knowing someone’s seen your entire formative years…” A quick slideshow of some of my more embarrassing moments as a kid sprang to mind. I glanced up at him with a wary look, and he shrugged.
Fuck, I wanted to take a step backwards, escape this pretty shared mental space we’d created, and hide behind the myth of adult competence we all erected. But I’d never be able to do that with Brandon. Running would make no difference. He’d still know, we’d still be tied. He watched me swallow, not touching me or moving any closer, as if I was a skittish animal, and just waited, his eyes slightly shuttered as he braced himself for my reaction. I forced my spine straight and took a breath.
“I love you,” I said, taking his hand. “You know that scares the shit out of me, would scare the shit out of anyone. I don’t know how you survived that, being bombarded by me, but I’m glad you did. We’re always going to love each other, aren’t we?” He lifted a shoulder, as if acknowledging the chance we mightn’t, but only as a courtesy. The uneasiness I’d felt since his big reveal was still there, wound around my neck like an insidious snake and squeezing tight at times, but I felt I had breathing room right now. I fitted my body against his, our mouths, our hands all slotting in against each other, as if the time we spent apart was some kind of mild affront.
I kept forgetting how this felt. The constant mental chatter that filled my brain got in the way, its twenty-four hour broadcast of any and all of the things that might hurt me made it easy to push this to one side. I had countless memories of just this, this moment of completeness, with most of my pack. Visions clouded my mind as we kissed—of wolves and black suns, of glowing creatures frolicking in the dark. While it had its purpose, a break from the noise in my head was almost as exhilarating as the feel of him.
“We’re OK,” I whispered against his lips, and something loosened inside him, making his fingers dig deeper into my hair and yank me closer.
I don’t know how long it took for us to pull away. The cave came back to me slowly. “What is this place, anyway?” I said, looking around. He seemed pleased he could distract me so thoroughly.
“That internal space you’ve gone to when mating with us. It doesn’t have to look the way it does. There is no reality, no physics here.” He made a slight gesture, and all the plants detached from the cave walls and went spiralling upwards. “Aaron wanted me to show you how to get past Sylvan’s barriers. Well, what better way than to bring you into my psychic space?”
“So, all I’ve got to do is kiss him?” I asked.
Brandon went very still at that, but recovered quickly.
“No, I’m letting you in here. What you’ll have to do is try and get in when someone either doesn’t know or doesn’t want you to.”
“Isn’t that going to be bloody hard with a seer?” I asked.
“Probably. You’ll need to practise.”
“On you?”
“The basics, yeah. But, Jules, I can’t keep you out. I never have. Ophelia and some of the ladies Mum was talking to on the d
own low gave me plenty of exercises to do, putting up emotional walls and keeping my mental space my own, but they never worked.” He smiled gently. “I guess I didn’t really want them to. We’ll need to work on making these connections deliberately. None of us have really done that, and that’s a stupid oversight. You managed to work it out when you were being chased by the rock crusher, but we need to practise being able to do so intentionally.”
“That’s what you were asking me to do before, when you said to reach out.”
He nodded. “I’m going to push you out now, but I want you to see if you can reach for this place again. You know what it looks like, feels like. See if you can visualise this place, and come back here.”
Reality slowly reasserted itself, and both of us blinked as we glanced around at the purple and red-leaved trees, the orange rocks, the blue of the river beyond. We could hear the trickle of the water, the rough amusement of the men as they followed Aaron’s orders. I looked up at Brandon, noting the patient expression, and felt almost shy. Why was that? We were connected in ways that most couples would never experience. I reached out and took his hand, not wanting to let the weird twists of my mind dictate to me anymore. I took a deep breath, because that’s what everyone did before meditation or shit, didn’t they? Maybe some pan pipe music with dolphins chirruping would help.
“You’re getting nervous,” Brandon said. “Why?”
“I don’t know. Maybe I’ll stuff this up or do something stupid, like fuse our minds together until we’re some sort of mini Borg unit. You know, ‘resistance is futile.’”
He shook his head. “Every time I think I know what you’re going to say next… Just try, Jules. For once, there’s no risk here.”
Of course, that’s not what my body thought. Any time I tried something new, my heart started to race, but I closed my eyes and took another breath, seriously this time. Just focus on my breath, like your counsellor always told you to. Then I reached for him.
In my mind, I was moving towards him, taking his hand again and moving into his physical space. But when I opened my eyes, I was in the cave again, looking around at the way the sun fell on the walls and the plants that grew there with surprise.
