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I want to tell him I love him, but I know I won’t hear it back . So I just hang up and turn to my brother.
“I want to go home. You’re not allowed to come. If Mom sees you, she’ll lose it. She can only take so much.”
“Okay,” he whispers in shame. “I’ll take you home.”
The drive is completely silent. The opposite of what I had imagined reuniting with my brother would be. In my head, we would hug and cry together. We would catch up on all the wasted time. I would bring him home to my mother so she could find happiness again.
No.
He knows the way to mine and Mom’s house because he’s been spying on us. Because he was around and never let himself known.
Tonight I watched him be everything I didn’t want him to be. He betrayed this family. He has no excuses.
He parks down the street so his car isn’t in front of the house.
I think I hate my brother.
Then why can’t you get out of the car?
“’Me-”
“Do you miss her?” I cut him off. “Mom.”
“Of course I miss her. I miss both of you.”
“She drove herself, and me, crazy over you. She couldn’t put a grave next to Dad in your name. Kept telling everyone she knew you were alive, that she could feel it. People call her crazy behind her back. ‘Poor Caroline, she can’t get over her son’s death’.”
I take a deep breath. “You’re not even dead,” I spit with venom. I almost sound disappointed that he isn’t. “She was right all along.”
“I’m sorry,” he says.
The silence falls on us again. What does sorry even mean? Sorry’s never fix anything.
And yet, I still can’t get out of the car. Because when I do, it’ll be over. I know he’ll leave again. For the past three years, the last image I had of my brother was him sacrificing himself for me.
If I leave now, for the rest of my life I will have an image of him choking Jake. Of his dark voice, his tattoos and his cold calmness. The image of a man who made the wrong choices and sacrificed everything, including me.
“I asked them for money,” he cuts the silence.
I don’t say anything.
“One night I heard Mom and Dad argue about money.Again.But that one was serious, they were talking about having to move back to the North Shore. The move to Stoneview was always a struggle. They thought they could afford it with Dad’s new job, but they couldn’t. Stoneview was just too expensive for people like us. And Mom didn’t have a job. I wanted to help them out. I just asked the Wolves for a few thousand. I didn’t even have to give it back. All they asked in return was that I do a few jobs for them.”
My heart squeezes. I know what it’s like to do something illegal to help our struggling family.
“Mom and Dad had no idea. I would move packages for them. Pick up big ones from their hangars and bring small ones to their distributors. I was just a driver really.”
He runs a hand through his short hair. It’s the same color as mine.
“One time, I got robbed. They took everything from me. All the drugs, all the money. I had nothing left. I was in deep fucking trouble. Volkov’s guy threatened me, they threatened our family. I was seventeen, I was lost, I didn’t know what to do.”
He shakes his head at his mistake. “So I told Dad.” His voice tightens. “He just wanted to protect me,us.He decided it was time to take down the Wolves. But you can’t take down Volkov. It’s impossible.”
“Aaron,” I whisper in compassion as I watch tears stroll down his face.
“They took us down instead. Dad died because of me. I know that. You got shot. I’m your older brother, I was meant to protect you and you got shot because of me.”
I put a hand on his arm. “I’m alive,” I reassure him. “Mom and I survived.”
