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"It also keeps you in the position of power." But she was looking at me too intently. "Are you willing to serve on the other side of this dynamic? If a session asked you to receive pain, could you?"
"Only if the goal is to shame them or somehow - " I stopped mid-thought. "Or if Nari's there. I could not handle watching her be beat."
"Interesting," Shalsa said. "Most exceptionally dominant lovers want their partner to be a clear submissive, but you want to shield her from that?"
"Because she's mypartner," I tried to explain. "I want her beside me, metaphorically speaking, not beneath me."
"Do you ever want to hurt her?" she asked.
"Never."
She nodded once. "Do you want to see her beg?"
"Only in the best way. Not to shame her."
Shalsa bit her lips together and her eyes narrowed, making it clear she was thinking. "So the people who come begging for your attention disgust you? Is that it?"
"A part of it," I admitted. "And not all of them. The ones who chase me because of how I look, yes. The ones who want to know me? No. I think that's the line. I have no interest in being their trinket. They should be mine."
"And you're now of an age where you're man enough to make that possible," she agreed. "The difficulty is going to be training you, since your partner isn't an available option. You see, I was going to suggest that you practice whipping Nari - "
I sat up straight, cutting her off, but I didn't get the chance to say a thing.
Shalsa just gestured to my reaction. "That. You can't practice with her, because she's not the target of your rage. She only gets your love. That's why I'm going to recommend a few sessions with a friend of mine. Amerlee is another good option, but I have a feeling that she would not sleep with you."
"No, she wouldn't," I agreed. "That's too close to a betrayal of Nari's trust. Amerlee is beautiful, but like a sister, not a lover, and definitely not a trinket."
Shalsa smiled at how well I'd embraced the new term. "So, the woman I know is named Faylie. She has a collection of all the possible toys you may be asked to use, and her guardian is skilled with knowing her limits. If you're ok with it, I'd like to set up a training session where she'll push you until you break. Because, Ela, we need to know your limits so we can find ways to make sure you never cross them. Cruelty is fine. There is nothing at all wrong with enjoying the feel of conquering another person's mind and body. The only thing you need to worry about is how to stop. How to turn it off when you come home to lay with your partner. How to not let that need, thatdesire, consume you. Ok?"
"Ok," I agreed. "And do you have any suggestions for how to tell Nari that I'm into this?"
"Slowly," she said. "Tell her about the man from last night. Let her ask questions - and then answer them. Make it clear that you do not want to hurt her, just others."
"You and Amerlee," I asked, "you share pain?"
"We do," she admitted. "But never with Irila. Jamik can tolerate me being bossy, but he's not a submissive man. Usually, it's him and me telling Amerlee what to do, although it seems Irila is more receptive to his orders than she ever was to mine."
"Different relationship," I told her. "You and Irila have a bond based on her protecting you. For you to ask her to submit would strain that in ways that aren't normal for her. But with Jamik, she's prepared for him to be the one calling the shots."
"Would Talin let you practice with him?" she asked suddenly.
I shrugged. "Maybe? It's not something we've ever really talked about, but he has said he likes a bit of pain. Why?"
"Because Nari might feel ignored if you spend too much time with Faylie instead of her. Ela, I do not want to destroy what you four have. It's a beautiful thing, and most of us dream of finding the trust that you all have with each other. I can teach you how to understand this desire to abuse others, but that? You're going to need to talk to them, to put yourself and your needs out there for them to understand, and make this a very open thing, ok?"
"I would've anyway," I promised. "We don't keep secrets like this. I think that's why it works. No secrets, and no judging each other for any of it. It's why Nari felt safe enough to tell us she saw Zeal that first time. No, I would rather push this part of myself down until it dies than risk the bond I have with them."
"It's nothing to be ashamed of," she promised.
"No, it's not," I agreed, "but it can be dangerous. I've already seen that. I felt it when I didn't want to let go of Cayden's neck. When I watched his eyelids flutter, felt him gasping, and knew that his life was literally in my hands. No, Shalsa, that's called power, and it's the kind of thing that cuts both ways. I just have to make sure it never cuts the three of them."
"I'll get you an appointment with Faylie before Nari gets back. I think youneedthat, because an untrained punisher is more dangerous than one with a pissed-off partner. You hear me?"
"Punisher?" I asked.
She nodded. "That's what we call those who only deal in giving pain and shame, never in taking it. Mostly because that's why people will request your services."
I couldn't stop the smile from curling my lips if I wanted to. "Punisher. Yeah, that sounds perfect."
