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A smile flickered across her lips. "Cayden. Well, I can see how that would make Wraythe nervous. What about you? How do you feel about abusing him like I'msureyou did?"
I leaned over my knees and clasped my hands together. "That's the thing. I didn't expect to enjoy it that much."
"Why's that?" she asked, her dark eyes meeting mine.
"Uh..." There were two ways to answer that question, and I wasn't quite sure which one she wanted. "I've always thought about it," I admitted, "but I would never hurt Nari. Yet when Cayden begged me to let go and just have my way? It..." I paused, looking for the right words. "I wanted to make him hurt. I wanted to prove something, and I'm not even sure what."
"It's like this monster," she said softly. "This beast in the back of your skull, driving you to push it just a little further, right? To find that line without quite crossing it. To finish and see them look at you the way most people would gaze upon a god, with a mixture of fear and adoration."
"Yes!" I gasped. "Exactly. I don't want him to fawn over me or convince himself he loves me. I want that respect. The kind that comes when they know a knife is sharp or that the drink is poison."
"But why?" Shalsa asked. "What are you trying to prove, Ela?"
"What are you?" I asked back.
"That just because I'm a woman, I don't have to be weak. That because my skin is darker, it doesn't make me less. Every patron who kneels before me, begging me for one thing or another, heals just a bit of the wounds I earned before I was surrendered. We may have been children, but we were old enough to understand that the world wasn't always fair. So, let me ask you again, what are you trying to prove?"
"That I'm more than some foolish woman's mistake," I said, the words softer than I intended.
"So what are you?" she asked.
"Wrong question," I told her. "You see, my friends? They all had families. Talin may hate his, and Nari's abandoned her, while Wraythe's just wanted him to have a chance. But they had someone. Me? I've only ever had us. For years, it was just me, until I got Wraythe, and then Nari. Now, there's Talin too, but anyone else?" I paused to look up. "I don't mean you, but you'll always be Nari's family in my mind."
"I can see that," she agreed. "And I promise I won't take offense. I just need to know what we're working with."
So I pushed out a heavy breath. "Everyone looks at me and thinks they know me. They see my blonde hair, golden skin, and pretty face, and they either assume I'm harmless or I need to be used. It's always been that way. My mother was the same. She was a pretty woman. Girl, actually, since I don't think she was that old. Still, I've spent my entire life watching people target us, tring to take advantage of us - first her before I was surrendered, and then me afterward. So trusting people is hard."
"But you still managed," she pointed out.
"Four times," I admitted, "and one of those betrayed me. Oh, he didn't mean to, but it's just more proof that people will always put themselves above me. And because I'm not ugly, they somehow think that makes the accomplishment even better. But I'm tired of it. I'm tired of watching them shove Nari down, laugh at Wraythe for being ugly, and Talin for still having contact with his family. The only way to make sure they stop is to hurt them enough that it's not worth it. The price of temptation, you know."
"I do," she agreed. "But why in bed?"
"Because that is where they want me," I said softly. "People look at me and they see perfection. I made sure of it. Because if I'm perfect, then Nari doesn't have to be. If I am strong enough, I can take care of her and Wraythe."
"And Talin?" Shalsa asked.
I laughed once. "No, Talin doesn't need me to take care of him. I would, but he doesn't need it."
She nodded. "Just making sure I understand how all of you fit together."
"It's worse now with Nari being this thing. The High Priest won't leave her alone forever. Zeal's not strong enough yet to keep her safe. Not the way he wants to. And all of that builds and builds until it's ready to spill over. When Cayden asked me to treat him like my bitch? I..."
"Let go," she finished for me. "Did you include toys?"
"No, I just ordered him around a bit and choked him until he came."
She nodded. "It's harder to keep control when you have the tools of punishment. Before you begin, you will need to make sure you know exactly how far your lover is willing to go."
"Don't use that word," I told her. "Nari and Talin are my lovers. Those others? No, they're patrons."
"Or priests," she pointed out. "What do you call them? Can't say partner, because that's Nari."
"I don'tknow," I snapped. "But they aren't lovers."
"How about we call them your trinkets?" she suggested. "A small and meaningless toy, yet a word that sounds almost complimentary."
I smiled, approving of this. "It's much better than lover."
