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“I must tell the truth,” she said slowly, her heart twisting. “About the circumstances that led to my marriage. I do hope you will not judge me too harshly because of them, Eleanor.”
Eleanor nodded slowly. “Just talk, my dear. I think that you need to.” She paused. “There shall be no judgement. I am your friend, and what you tell me stays in this room. You have my word.”
Patricia sighed heavily. “I know. That is why I came to you.” She hesitated. “Just before I visited you, to talk about the orphanage event, my circumstances changed, Eleanor. My father…he gambles, you see…and he lost quite a lot. Both my and my sister’s dowries.”
Eleanor paled. “Oh, my dear. How abysmal.”
Patricia held back the tears with difficulty. She needed to speak of this pain, and she could not do so if she was blubbering.
“My mother was furious, of course,” she continued slowly. “I overheard them quarrelling about it. It was most distressing.” She took another deep breath. “I was forced to find a matrimonial match for wealth, rather than love. Not just for myself, but for my sister. And, as it turns out, to save my family from ruin.”
“You poor lamb,” breathed Eleanor, her eyes shining with tears. “No one realizes how hard it is for young ladies, who are forced into such a position through no fault of their own.” She paused. “Believe me, I know what it is like, Patricia. My own father lost all of our family’s wealth and forced me into a marriage of convenience. I was devastated.”
Patricia nodded. “I know, which is why I thought you would understand what it was like for me.” Her bottom lip wobbled. “I targeted the Duke because of his wealth, Eleanor. I thought that he would be an easy mark because of his scarred face. I manoeuvred a situation when he called upon me at home, letting myself be compromised, in the desperate hope he would propose and I could secure a quick marriage. I am not proud of it, but that is the truth.”
Her eyes slid away from her friend’s face, mortified. Saying it so boldly was hard. But at least it was out in the open now.
“That is why we wed so quickly,” she continued, her blush deepening. “I know that the Ton are probably speculating about it. I forced him to do the honorable thing by me.” A single tear trickled down her cheek. “I am wracked with guilt because of it. You see, even though I targeted him so calculatingly, I genuinely liked him from the very start. I barely see his scar anymore. And he seems to genuinely like me too. We have grown so close since our hasty marriage…inallways…”
Eleanor coughed delicately into her hand. “You are allowed to fall in love with your husband, Patricia. And he with you. Just because the marriage was hasty does not preclude it. You should let that guilt go, my dear. Many young ladies make marriages of convenience then fall in love with their husbands. I am one of them.”
Patricia stifled a sob. “But he still does not know about my true circumstances,” she cried, feeling herself trembling anew. “He has no idea that Papa has racked up such debts and lost my dowry along with my sister’s. My mother is pressuring me to talk with him about it – to ask for the funds for Margaret’s dowry, along with funds to cover their debts. And as soon as I do so, he will know that I was a fortune hunter and never forgive me for it. It shall spoil everything that is between us…”
“Take a sip of tea, dearest,” said Eleanor warmly, picking up Patricia’s teacup and handing it to her. “You need to drink.”
Patricia took the proffered cup, her hand shaking as she raised it to her lips. Eleanor’s kindness towards her was almost too much. She didn’t deserve it.
“That is better,” said Eleanor, watching her closely as she gulped the tea. “Now. I do not see that this situation is impossible, Patricia. Not at all.”
“How so?” she whispered, staring imploringly at her friend.
Eleanor took a deep breath. “You need to tell your husband everything, Patricia, exactly as you have told me. Tell him that you were forced into this position but your feelings towards him are now genuine.” She paused, staring at Patricia. “You should ask if he can cover the funds. It is not your fault after all, and your familyarein need. If he loves you as much as I think he does, he will not blame you and he will do the honorable thing by your family. Your family is like his own now after all. That is what happens in marriage.”
“You think he loves me?” whispered Patricia, still in anguish. Her stomach was churning.
“I do,” said Eleanor slowly. “He is an honorable gentleman, as you say. He may have proposed to you out of duty, but he was calling upon you in the first place because he admired you.”
Patricia’s heart was racing still, but she didn’t say anything.
Eleanor paused for a long moment. “Your happiness was not the only thing my husband and I talked about after your wedding breakfast, Patricia,” she continued. “We both said that the new Duke of Merriweather was bursting with pride to have secured you as a wife. We could clearly see how much he esteems you. If he was not head over heels in love then, I declare he probably is now. It was only a matter of time for both of you. You were both on that path and it was your destiny.”
Patricia sighed heavily. How desperately she wanted to believe Eleanor. Because she knew now that she was in love with Jackson and wanted so much for him to love her as well. She fervently wanted their union to be a love match for both of them. Her heart was his forever. But could she ever have his own? Could he finally give it to her after she told him the truth, or would his burgeoning love wither on the vine?
“How can I bear it if he starts to despise me after I tell him?” she asked her friend in a woebegone voice. “After we have grown so close with the promise of love between us…it would be so very hard to endure living beside him for the rest of my life.”
“I know,” said Eleanor, in a quiet voice. “But you have to take that risk. Apart from anything else, you are drowning in guilt because you have not been honest with him. At the very least, once you talk to him about it that will be gone. You can raise your head proudly and know that you have done the right thing, Patricia, regardless of his reaction.”
Patricia nodded slowly. Eleanor was right, of course.
“Your family’s woes are not known by society,” continued Eleanor pensively, frowning a little. “I had no knowledge of it before you told me. But that could change, Patricia. Word could get out about it and if you have not told your husband, he will react worse. At least if you talk with him honestly, he will not be shocked by finding out through another source.”
A wave of unease swept through Patricia at her friend’s words. She had not thought of that at all. It had always beenherproblem; a burden she was forced to carry. She had never considered the possibility for a moment.
“You deserve to have a happy marriage, my dear,” said Eleanor kindly. “Just because it started under trying circumstances does not preclude the possibility, but you must be open and honest about it. That is the only way forward, in my opinion.”
Patricia nodded again. Of course. She had always known it. She had just needed someone to tell her.
She realized now that she was being a coward. If she truly loved Jackson, and wanted him to love her, then she must face it head on. Yes, he might get angry. He might never get over it. He might despise her forever. But if he truly cared for her then he would eventually understand that she had been like a puppet on a string, being pulled in all directions. It didn’t have to be the death knell for them.
