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“Ohman, I’d love to see you all giggly on a hike or see what you do to Muir,” he said. “That would be so fun…” Colin’s voice trailed off and June knew that Colin was trying to open up a new conversation topic. They waited in silence, Colin’s hand on the keys but he made no movement to turn the engine on. Her eyes slid to him, watching her thoughtfully, and he opened his mouth to speak, but June stopped him with a light touch on his arm.
"Col, I know, I know, that you want to have this conversation, but I can't." June stared out the front window, looking for something for her eyes to focus on that wasn't the man sitting across the SUV from her. "Can we just have this evening together?"
Colin blew a long stream of air out of his pursed lips and June could tell he was trying not to get frustrated. "Okay."
"Okay?"
"Okay. I don't like it, but I get it."
"Okay." Colin started the engine, then eased the car out of the camp parking lot. It was only about a 10 minute drive from camp, Colin navigating the winding road while June scrolled through the iPod that he still had connected to a cassette tape adapter.
The restaurant was called "Hillside Pizza'', which was ironic as it was built into the side of a mountain, not a hill, the jagged peak jutting up from the tiny stone building. It seemed that Colin knew the hostess and a few waiters, and the two of them were led back to a private table in the back. "Former campers or counselors," he explained. "It's one of the reasons I love this place, though it's hard to take anyone here, because word gets around quickly in this town." June read the subtext: he didn't care who saw them together. They hadn't stopped holding hands since they arrived in the parking lot, and Colin had kissed the top of her head when waiting at the hostess stand.
Another waiter who knew Colin came over, took their order for two local IPAs, and came back with food menus and the beers. It wasn't long after June had taken her first sip of beer when Colin asked her a difficult question: "So what do you actually want to do with your life?"
"As if I know?" she shot back. Rolling her eyes and holding up her middle finger, she took a large gulp of beer. "I'm going to need more beer for this."
"I'm serious. I could help you - I have lots of connections from people who used to work at camps and have moved around the city, the country -" June cut him off with another gentle hand on his arm.
"Thank you, but I don't know. I'm still figuring it out. Part of me wants to do something that helps the world, and part of me is saying 'fuck it, take the first job offered'."
"What are your values?" Colin asked, running his tongue over his lips after taking a sip of his beer.
"Values?"
"Like how do you live your life? Like for me, I look for people, places, jobs that allow me to be my authentic self."
"I've seen the socks and sandals," June interjected.
Colin laughed, his eyes crinkling, then continued on. "I care deeply about nature, and I need to be connected to humans. Shut down was the worst time for me in that respect. What about you?"
June thought for a moment, drinking her beer. Every time she opened her mouth to say something, the words wouldn't come, or a new thought entered her head. Draining her glass, she felt ready. "Stability. It's something I haven't felt in the past three years, and I'm not sure I even ever felt before then." Colin waved down their waiter, asked for another beer and ordered pizza for both of them. June wasn't even hungry at this point, but appreciated the gesture. "So, yeah - stability. And flexibility. I've lived my life on the same bell schedule since college. I want to pee whenever I want!" She paused again, thinking. "Connection, but not at work. With people."
June looked up from her empty glass. "I'm lonely in Vanberg," she admitted. "Kevin got married last year, and I feel like I spend more time with my television than actual people."
"I could visit," Colin said quietly. "I'd help you not be lonely." June's heart flared with excitement, then it was quickly extinguished, cold water dumped on the flames. Long distance didn't work. June couldn't ask Colin into her life when she didn't even know what her life entailed. That wasn't fair to him - this man who had worked so hard to make a career for himself, who thought about little things like picnics and laser pointers and bouquets. He deserved someone who could give him the same amount of attention. Not June. She had to leave, had to figure her shit out.
"Can we be done with this conversation?" June asked, wiping her eyes. "I want to enjoy this pizza, share a few beers, talk about silly things like favorite movies and books and argue about what to put on a hot dog. I want to pretend that tomorrow isn't Friday."
"Okay, June," Colin repeated, smiling grimly.
The rest of their dinner strayed away from serious topics, and June learned that Colin hated organized sports but followed Olympic level skiing and snowboarding like June's brother followed the NFL and he learned that she broke her arm three times in middle school, each time in a slightly different location. June insisted on paying for dinner, and Colin guided her out of the pizza place with his hand on the small of her back, June listing slightly from side to side as she had continued drinking beer when Colin switched to water.
June hopped lightly into the passenger seat of Colin’s Explorer, fiddling with the iPod until she found a song she loved. Colin laughed as June sang along, off key, as he backed out of the parking lot and began the short drive back to camp.
“I love how it feels out here,” June breathed, rolling down the window and feeling the cool air wash over her face, sobering her up slightly. “I still can’t believe this is where you live. It must be amazing.”
“It’s fantastic,” Colin said, his jaw tight. “There are definitely things that are missing though.” June knew - she knew - what Colin meant, and more than anything, June wanted to ride the wave of her buzz and throw caution to the wind and stay, but there was too much at stake for her. June settled for turning on another classic emo anthem and cranking the stereo up a few more clicks.
Colin turned the volume down as they pulled into camp and set a hand on June’s thigh. “Are you good to come back to my place tonight?”
“Of course,” she said, automatically. She had left a bag there earlier and had been gradually moving small items into his bedroom throughout the week. It would make logical sense for June to not sleep at Colin’s tonight if she was thinking deeply about creating distance, about Friday - which was tomorrow - but she wanted to be close to him. Wring out the tiny bit of joy and connection that she could have up here in the mountains.
Colin hopped out of the SUV, walked around and opened June’s door, greeting her with a kiss that left her dopey-faced and smiling. “C’mon, darling,” he said, guiding her out of the car and pointing to a new path around the lake. They walked for a few minutes, their hands interlocked, until Colin stopped them in front of a small clearing. “See that building?" he pointed through the trees at what looked like a small dormitory. "That's where the staff lives. I can guarantee that everyone in that house is trying to sleep with someone else who lives in that house."
"How is that different from what you're doing?" June giggled, her tongue loosened by the beer she drank at the restaurant. Colin tightened his grip on her hand and pulled her close, so his mouth was next to her ear.
"Because I know who I'm going to sleep with," Colin whispered. "And I think she's going to say yes. Right?"
