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“You didn't try."
"When I say Rogues don't date, it's not some little thing. Relationships of any kind are frowned upon. You are forbidden from divulging anything about Rogues. And it is expressly forbidden for agents to bang, even if it's just to let off some steam, get the lead out, work out some kinks. Strictly verboten. So what did you think I was going to say to you? 'Hey, that gap in your memory… Funny thing is it happens that I’m in that gap.'"
I could see his jaw working. "How am I supposed to feel? I've learned to trust you. You’ve become my anchor point since I’ve been here. And you've been lying to me the whole time. How that's supposed to make me feel?"
“I don't know what to tell you. You weren't supposed to ever show up."
He gaped at me in disbelief. “You really didn't know that I was going to be picked up?"
I whirled on him. "No. I had no idea."
“If you had known, would you have told me?"
I stared at him, my heart sinking because he'd truly believed me capable of harming him. “If I had known you were going to be black-bagged, I wouldn't have slept with you."
His gaze was fiery and intense on me. So hot, I could feel the heated tracks his eyes took as they flitted all over my body, leaving little volcanoes of awareness and need in their wake.
“Do you know that since that night we first fought, I’ve been having flashbacks?"
I hadn't known that. “I'm sorry. I didn't know. At first I thought you were pretending that you didn't remember me. Then I thought maybe you were a plant, that you were someone Gabe was using against me. I thought you'd shagged me as a mission and he was going to use you to keep me from the field."
Lock frowned. "He wouldn't do that."
“You've met my brother, right?"
His brow furrowed. "Okay, yeah, fair enough."
"So what was I supposed to do? That's why I pretended. And I am good at pretending. I acted like everything was fine, even if it wasn't. I didn't know what else to do. And then of course, as punishment, Gabe assigned me to be your training officer. My brother, ever diabolical."
"Why would he assign you to me?"
"Because I’ve been wanting to be a field agent. Because I was sneaking off campus. If I’d just told him, he would have sent me with six armed guards."
“Fuck, your relationship is so screwed up."
“You're telling me. I just didn't know what to say when I realized that you didn't actually remember me, and I wasn't sure what to make of it. I had Tabs looking into it, and she said it was because we changed up the drug protocol because psych ops said it was less traumatic for those that needed black bagging."
"Oh, newsflash, it's still traumatizing."
“Do you remember the team picking you up?"
He shook his head. "All I remember is you. Do you know what it is though? It's your scent. It's like I’m attuned to it."
A soft smile tugged at my lips. “You asked about it that night, about my perfume."
"Even then I knew. Can you tell me more details about that night? I don't like having these holes in my mind. My brain is not to be trusted, like I can’t rely on what I know to be true."
"I’m not sure it’ll be helpful, but what do you want to know?"
He took a step, closing the distance between us. “It's helpful to me. Do you know what it feels like not to be able to trust yourself? To keep running over every thought you have, every desire you have, thinking you're going fucking crazy?"
“I do, actually. After what Webster did, I kept seeing shadows everywhere, even when there weren't any. I couldn't trust anyone. I kept going over and over all the seventy-five ways I could have saved my parents."
He sighed and then hung his head. "Shit, Saff, that's not what I meant."
"No, I know what you meant. And believe me when I say I understand that not being able to trust your instincts or your brain are equally as important. I get it." I wrapped my arms around myself, praying that I could piece myself together. “I'm sorry, Lock. I am. I was between a rock and a hard place. If I had told you, I risked you not believing me. I risked you asking a lot of questions. And that would have put both of our paths at Rogues Division in peril. You didn’t remember, so there was no point in bringing it up again."
"There was no point?" his voice was strained, a note of anguish in his eyes. “I have been tortured for weeks with images of you in my bed, calling my name. I haven't been able to get you out of my head. I was going fucking insane wondering why I felt so connected to you, so attached. And you think that I wouldn't have believed you?"
