Page 118 of Mommy

Ivy had always wanted her on the couch, and had snorted her disagreement every time I had denied her.

What would she say if she saw me now?

The question makes my eyes burn and I swallow in an attempt to free my closing throat. The fact that Ivory’s not here anymore hurts like a fucking splinter. How could I fuck this up so badly?

For the first time someone really seemed to like me for who I was, not for what I was pretending to be. And I didn’t even have the balls to look at her the same way. I only projected what I wanted onto her, keeping her an arms length away to… what? Keep myself safe? Keep myself from being rejected.

She rejected me just fine without me actually letting her in.

I just wish I would’ve let her in first. I wish she would have seen the man that is actually here.

The one that gives more than one fuck about how she feels.

Maybe she would have stayed.

I shut down that thought. It doesn’t matter now. I hurt her and she is gone. It’s better that she is. I wouldn’t have made her happy.

We haven’t spoken and I know I’m being dramatic, but… it feels like one hell of a breakup. Even if she wasn’t really my girlfriend, the way things ended still felt pretty real.

At that moment, our bubble had burst. And it had thrown us back into the reality neither of us had been prepared for.

I should’ve prepared for that.

But I had been too busy falling for the illusion we had built for ourselves.

The first few days I wanted to go and talk to her, but I didn’t know what to say and by now I feel like too much time has passed for it to even make a difference.

She might be over it by now.

It takes Posie a few tries to get up on the couch, but the moment she’s up she starts to snuggle into me.

As if laying next to me isn’t enough, she makes an effort to get onto my lap and even then she doesn’t seem satisfied.

Instead of laying still she keeps on moving, trying to get her head closer to my face, trying to lean into my chest, trying to stare at me as she lies down.

Her desperation makes me laugh.

It’s a tiny laugh, barely mentionable but it counts. For a split second I don’t feel lost, for a moment there I didn’t feel alone.

Wrapping my arms around Posie’s body, I drag her down with me as I lie back on the couch.

She doesn’t even fight me, and instead leans her weight into me.

My very own weighted blanket.

Breathing heavily, I can feel her body relax, and my hands start scratching her back and her side as I hold her to me.

I would’ve thought she’d be heavier but she’s a comfortable weight on my chest.

Her head rests just below my chin and I can feel her snoring breath on my skin when she drifts into a light slumber.

I lie there with her. In the darkness of my home. And for the first time since Ivy walked out I feel like I’m actually here. I’m actually feeling something and it’s then that I make the decision.

I can’t keep fostering Posie.

I can’t keep doing this.

Chapter sixty