Page 117 of Mommy

“Can I join in on your workout?” Abigail asks once I tell her I’m done with squats for the day. And after thinking about it for a long moment, I nod.

Not only do I not mind her being here, it actually feels good. The pain inside my chest is still potent, and I have to work to keep Derek out of my thoughts to not risk bursting into tears, but it’s easier to do when I’m not alone.

It’s easier to ignore the emptiness inside my chest when I don’t have to think about it.

Chapter fifty nine

Derek

I didn’t call in sick at work because Ivory left.

I went a step further and told my boss I had a family emergency and needed to take a two week vacation right away.

Telling people I needed the time to provide care for Posie and the puppies would’ve been easy, and honestly, no one would’ve doubted that. It wouldn’t even have been a lie because I do need to care for them by myself now.

It’s just not the reason I said I couldn’t go to work. Posie isn’t the reason I feel like doing nothing but laying on the couch and mulling over each conversation I ever had with Ivory.

She’s gone.

It doesn’t register. Nothing really does.

Since she left I’ve been moving on auto pilot. Nothing really triggers the emotions I felt when she yelled at me, when she walked out on me.

She had every right to do it, but since then I’ve been lost. I’m somewhere in the space around me, but never really inside my head and instead I’m watching myself live my life.

I walk and feed the dogs.

I clean the house.

I sleep and eat and work out.

But nothing gets through the veil. I’m still as lost as I was the second the door fell shut behind her. Even thinking about her doesn’t get my mind to return to my body. There’s no amount of deadlifts my body can perform that makes this any more bearable.

It’s as if she took the connection I had found with myself away with her when she left, and now I’m left on the sideline as my body moves on.

Lifting my glass to my lips, I take a deep gulp.

The fact that I’m drinking says everything about my mental state. I usually don’t drink. Up until today the stacked little bar trolley only existed in my living room because there was an empty space next to the TV that needed filling. But now I’m here, swallowing the liquor in hopes it’ll make me feel a little less abandoned.

The alcohol numbs me even more, but at least it makes it all a little easier to accept. How the house is too big and too quiet despite the puppies and Posie. It feels empty and lifeless without Ivory.

Just like you.

Another long sip from the glass is making my head dizzy, but I don’t give a fuck.

Something heavy comes to rest on my thigh and it takes my brain a moment to realize that it isn’t my hand or even the glass.

Looking down, I find Posie staring up at me with her brown eyes.

I must have forgotten to close her crate after letting her out in the garden before bedtime.

The weight of her head is resting on my thigh, so much love and trust shining in her eyes. Understanding too.

“You miss her too, huh?” I slur, lifting my free hand to scratch her behind her ears.

She keeps staring up at me until finally I smile.

“Yeah, big girl, it’s fine.” I say, putting my glass aside and opening my arms for her.