Page 98 of The Secret Diary of Anne de Bourgh

Mr Byerly set down his cup, looking at me quite seriously. “Of course your wishes must be considered,” he said. “But surely there is no need to decide everything now. You may find that what seems too much for you alone would be quite different with somebody to share it.”

I felt my face grow warm. He had not spoken directly of marriage, but there could be very little doubt of his meaning.

“I do not think I should feel differently,” I said firmly.

He looked disappointed. I was sorry to see it, but not sufficiently sorry to take back what I had said.

After a moment, he spoke of the other property again, which is in Oxfordshire. He asked Elizabeth whether she knew the neighbourhood, and she answered him very readily.

The remainder of his visit was quite civil. He did not press me further, and when he left, wished me a pleasant evening.

I have been considering the conversation ever since. He did listen today; I cannot fairly say that he did not. But I think he believes that, given sufficient time and encouragement, I shall come to wish for what he wishes.

There are many things I like about him. I should be sorry to lose his friendship, and sorrier still to hurt him. Yet I was relieved when he ceased speaking of a future which we might share.

That is not how I ought to feel about a gentleman whom I might marry.

I must not allow him to go on hoping merely because I find it difficult to disappoint him.

21 November

I screwed up my courage this morning and told Darcy that I cannot marry Mr Byerly.

Elizabeth was with him in the library when I found them, and Richard had joined us before I found the courage to begin. I had thought it might be easier to speak without Richard present, but there seemed little purpose in concealing a decision which he must soon discover.

I explained that Mr Byerly had been very kind, and that I had tried to consider him as Richard had encouraged me to do. Nevertheless, I could not return his affection, and thought I ought to tell him before he made me an offer.

Darcy looked a little disappointed. He did not, however, appear greatly surprised.

“Did you expect me to say this?” I asked.

“I thought it possible.”

“I had supposed you would think me very foolish.” He did not look as though he thought this at all, and I was the one surprised.

“Perhaps a year ago I should have been astonished,” he said. “Mr Byerly has much to recommend him. However, having discovered the happiness of being in love with one’s wife—”

He glanced at Elizabeth, who smiled warmly at him.

“—I cannot bring myself to encourage you to settle for less. It has been clear to me for some time that you enjoy Mr Byerly’s company, Anne, but that you do not love him.”

I was so relieved that I could scarcely answer.

“No,” I said at last. “I do not.”

Richard had become very still. When I looked towards him, he was watching me, but I could not tell what he was thinking.

“I hoped that I might,” I added. “Indeed, I tried to, but… my feelings for him have not increased beyond the levels of friendship. I have enjoyed his company, and I should be sorry to hurt him.”

“Then telling him now is the proper thing to do,” Darcy said. He glanced at Elizabeth, and for a moment I thought Lizzy was about to burst out laughing as Darcy said, “An undesired proposal is a very uncomfortable thing for everyone involved. Let us not allow proceedings to reach that point.”

Richard coughed behind his hand, and when I looked at him, I found that he was suppressing a smile too. There is something here I do not fully understand, but I do not think any of them are laughing at me, so I shall not concern myself too much with it.

I am only grateful. I had prepared several explanations, and found that none of them was required. I thanked Darcy for his understanding, and he very kindly said it is his pleasure to ensure I have the freedom to make my own choices now. I went away feeling much easier in myself, and confident that I have made the correct choice.

Mr Byerly is to call tomorrow. I have asked Elizabeth to remain nearby, though I must speak to him myself.

I shall be very glad when it is done.