Page 99 of The Secret Diary of Anne de Bourgh

22 November

That was an exceptionally uncomfortable interview.

Elizabeth was at the writing-table when Mr Byerly arrived. After the first enquiries, I asked her whether I might speak with him alone for a few minutes. She suggested we step into the library together.

He looked pleased, which made beginning very difficult. I only thought to spare him a witness to a scene which might be uncomfortable. He followed me into the library and I went over to the window, looking down at the rain-shrouded garden below. He came to stand beside me. I was grateful that he did not immediately speak, allowing me the opportunity to gather myself and begin.

I told him that I had valued his kindness and enjoyed becoming acquainted with him, but that I could not allow him to continue his attentions in the expectation that I should accept an offer of marriage.

He was silent for a moment, and I stole a quick glance sideways at him. He looked disappointed, and also quite surprised.

“I understand that my lineage is not so exalted as your family’s…” he began, but I immediately shook my head, and he stopped.

“Mr Byerly, please do not misunderstand. There is no question of your not being entirely eligible as a match for me. Mr Darcy would never have allowed you to approach me at all if he did not consider you suitable.”

“Then I have somehow displeased you, Miss de Bourgh?”

“No.” This was most dreadfully uncomfortable! “But I do not feel as I ought, and I should be wrong to let you suppose otherwise.”

He looked down at his hands.

“I had hoped that, with time—”

“I know,” I said. “I hoped so too, and I sincerely thank you for giving me the time to try.”

“I had hoped that you and I together might make Rosings…”

“And that is part of the problem, sir.” I owed him some honesty. “I told you that I have not many good memories at Rosings. The truth is that I never wish to set foot in that house again so long as I live.”

His jaw dropped, and he stared at me as though seeing me for the first time.

I lifted my chin, determined to make him understand. “You are a good man, Mr Byerly, but the life you envision for yourself is too different to the one I want. I cannot see a way for these wishes to be reconciled without making one or both of us unhappy, and that is no foundation upon which to build a future.”

There was another uncomfortable silence. I wished very much that I could make him feel better, but I could think of nothing which would not risk making my meaning less clear. Giving him hope would have been cruel, and I had already done him cruelty enough.

At last he thanked me for speaking honestly. He did not remain long afterwards. He went back into the morning-room and took leave of Elizabeth very properly, and wished me well before going.

I felt quite miserable as I heard his carriage depart.

Then I realised that, beneath my sorrow for him, I was relieved. I hope that he will soon find somebody who can be pleased to receive everything he wishes to offer.

23 November

Jane came to see Elizabeth today. Kitty, Georgiana and I take it in turns to sit with Elizabeth in the mornings after she has breakfasted, and carry her instructions to the housekeeper. Moving about is becoming increasingly uncomfortable for poor Lizzy as she grows more ungainly. Today she wanted only to rest in the private sitting-room adjoining her bedchamber, and I was sitting with her looking through a package of baby things Mrs Bennet had sent from Longbourn when Jane arrived.

Jane kissed Lizzy and asked how she was feeling first, of course, and I sent the maid for tea. We were sitting down together comfortably when Jane asked if I had seen Mr Byerly recently.

“He was here yesterday,” Elizabeth said. “But I think we may not see much more of him at this house, at least. Anne told him that she will not entertain a proposal from him.”

“Did you, indeed!” Jane looked astonished, and turned her attention to me. “That must have been uncomfortable for you, Anne. Did he take it well?”

“As well as I might have expected,” I admitted. I gave her an account of it, and said how sorry I was to disappoint him.

“I am sure you were, but you did absolutely the right thing,” Jane said reassuringly. “You are quite correct that it would be cruel to allow him to continue paying court to you, once you had decided against him.”

“I have sometimes thought that he might be much happier with Miss Bingley,” I admitted.

Elizabeth looked up from the little cap she was examining. “Caroline has certainly made her interest clear, but do you think he might reciprocate, Anne?”