Page 13 of The Secret Diary of Anne de Bourgh

“I shall ask after him and send word.” Spears looked at Mary. “Napoleon’s abdication may end the war. I have thought of selling out and taking up my estate when the tenancy ends at Christmas. But I could not leave today without saying goodbye.” Mary met his eyes. “I shall return as soon as I can,” he said.

26 April

Every morning since the news I have gone down as early as I could to look at the newspaper. The casualty lists have begun to appear. The senior officers seem to be named first. Richard’s name is absent, yet we have no letter from him. If he lived, surely he or Sanderson would have written.

An express rider has just come. Darcy returned from his ride with the steward a little while ago. I am going to his study.

I reached Darcy’s study as the butler brought the letter. Darcy glanced at the back of it and opened it at once.

“From Spears,” Darcy said, scanning the page. “Fitzwilliam is alive. He has been wounded—what the devil?”

I began to bite my nails. Elizabeth caught my hand.

“He is alive, Anne,” she said. “Darcy, do not stop there.”

“I do not understand why he was serving with the staff rather than his cavalry regiment. Their position came under fire. He has shrapnel wounds in his hand and leg, and the leg has become infected. Spears has brought him from the hospital to Darcy House, where Doctor Barnes is treating him.”

Elizabeth put an arm around me. “He is in London, Anne. We know where he is.” I held on to her, scarcely able to think past the word infected.

27 April

Mary rose from breakfast and asked if she might go to London. Darcy almost choked on his steak. Elizabeth watched her sister.

“Do you mean to nurse the wounded?” Elizabeth asked.

“I do not know if a hospital would take me,” Mary said. “Aunt and Uncle Gardiner might let me stay with them. Captain Spears may have use for me in preparing medicines for the wounded. I wish to do something.”

Kitty wanted us all to go. Darcy refused, then asked Mrs Annesley whether she would like to visit her sister in Richmond and escort Mary to the Gardiners.

Elizabeth had received a letter from Mrs Gardiner that week and knew she was at home. Mary and Mrs Annesley will leave tomorrow. I wanted to go too, but Darcy saw it in my face. He said I was still too frail to be near the hospitals. When I protested that I had no intention of entering one, he pointed out that I could not stay alone at Darcy House without a chaperone, nor could he impose a guest the Gardiners had never met upon them.

Mary gave me a sympathetic look before going to pack. I remained where I was.

Richard, I wish I could come to you, as you came to me. I asked Mary to make certain you have whatever remedies she can prepare. She is better at her herbs than at sitting patiently by a sickbed, and I know the staff at Darcy House will care for you. I remember how they cared for me.

30 April

A second letter came from Captain Spears today. Richard’s hand is so heavily bandaged that he cannot hold a pen, though Spears hopes he will regain its use. Sanderson was wounded too. An explosion blinded him for a time, and he and Richard were taken to different field hospitals. Richard had already been sent to England when Sanderson’s sight began to return. Sanderson himself arrived only a few days ago.

I wake from dreams of Richard’s death, and by morning I am weary before the day begins. My maid may have told Elizabeth, for she finds time to sit with me every day. Darcy has given orders for Richard to be brought to Pemberley as soon as he is well enough to travel, she says.

Elizabeth would listen if I told her what Richard means to me. I have grown to love her as a sister, yet I cannot speak. I spent too many years measuring what it was safe to say. If she told Darcy, and Darcy told Richard, I should have to hear Richard’s answer. I think I know what it would be.

I need something to occupy my mind. I shall teach my new sisters to drive a phaeton. Elizabeth insists we are all sisters now, and she has demanded a lesson. Darcy protested that she had servants to drive her wherever she pleased. She looked at him, and he said no more.

I wish I could learn that look. But perhaps it only works upon a husband.

5 May

The phaeton lessons have not gone quite as I hoped. Georgiana manages the ponies well; she has handled horses since she was little. Elizabeth keeps too tight a hold on the reins, and Kitty turns her head to see everything except the road. Richard taught me to watch the ponies and the road together when he taught me to drive.

Even driving reminds me of him. Mary writes from London almost every day, though her letters tell me little of how Richard feels. Darcy has put his carriage at her disposal. It brings Mary and her aunt from Gracechurch Street to Darcy House, where the staff have made room in the kitchens to prepare medicines for the wounded. Captain Spears directs their use.

Mary writes that Captain Spears calls at Darcy House every day to discuss what remedies are needed. He took her to a hospital once, but the smells made her ill. She was ashamed of it. He brought her away and told her that making medicines at Darcy House was useful work too. She had hoped to nurse the wounded; I think she is beginning to see how else she can help them.

I feel useless here, though I doubt a hospital would find much use for me either.

10 May