Page 124 of Kickoff

“Hey you.” I tiptoed inside the dim-lit room, unsure how Melinda would react to my presence. She was sitting on her bed, with her back to me, and I couldn’t read her facial expression. Dressed in a pair of pajama pants and a sweater, she appeared minuscule in her clothes. How did I not realize what was going on before it went too far? I swallowed my uneasiness and cleared my throat. “I’ll sit right here.” I pointed to the chair set in the corner even though she didn’t look at me or acknowledge my presence. This had to be one of the most uncomfortable situations I had ever put myself in, yet I couldn’t walk away unless I had the certitude we were all right.

The silence stretched between us, so heavy against my chest that it suffocated me.

Unable to bear the distance between us, I stood and circled the bed, sitting next to her.

I extended an arm to hold Melinda’s hand, but she shifted away from me.

“Mel…I…please…” Emotions prickled the back of my eyes. My throat stung as if I’d eaten shards of glass. “We…I’m not going away. I’m right here. With you.”

She ran the back of her hand under her nose, still avoiding a look in my direction.

I kneeled in front of her and cradled her face with both hands. She closed her eyes, tears streaming down her cheeks. I could clearly see everything I’d been too blind to notice before or the things I let myself believe. The hollow cheeks, the shadows under her eyes, the slimmer fingers, the thinner waist, the smaller chest. The girl I loved had been suffering in silence, and I had done nothing to alleviate her anguish. How clueless I had been.

“You tried to tell me. That day. When you confided about being bullied in middle school…you tried to tell me you were suffering without naming it. I should have picked up the hints. There were so many, and I was blind to all of them.”

My own tears drenched my cheeks.

I laid my forehead on Melinda’s lap, wrapping my arms around her, holding on to her like she might vanish. “I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.” I choked on my sobs. “I need you. Please stop hurting yourself.”

A tentative hand brushed my hair back, and I shivered under the feather touch.

My sobs doubled in intensity. I felt so powerless. So out of my game. I knew nothing about eating disorders except the few things I had learned while searching the internet this afternoon.

We stayed like that for what appeared to be hours.

“You need me?”

Those were the first words Melinda spoke to me since we parted ways this morning.

I raised my head, searching her eyes. “I do. With every fiber of my being. With every bit of my heart and my soul.”

“Mase, you can’t need me.”

I jerked back. “Why? Gimme one good reason why.”

“Because. I don’t want you to.”

We watched each other for a beat.

“You don’t want me to?” I blinked, pretty sure I was dreaming the entire scene. “What if I wanna be with you?”

She shook her head. “Nah. I won’t let you. I’m defective. And you can date any girl you desire. I’ll always have this voice in my head telling me I’m not good enough or beautiful enough or smart enough to be with you. When I look at Tanya or any of the girls on the cheerleading squad, all I see are long legs, tiny waists, shiny blonde hair. Everything I’m not.”

“That’s a load of crap. I don’t want the other girls, Mel. I want you. All of you. Even the not-so-healthy version of you. The rest, I don’t care.”

“Too bad. I can’t do this with you. It’s asking too much from me. I was doing better before we started hanging out. Dating you seems a lot like a one-way road to getting my heart broken. I can’t risk it. I gotta be focused on what matters, and right now, it’s not you.”

Was she serious, or was she willingly chasing me away once again? “Don’t say it like I’m the reason you feel like you’re not good enough. I’ve always been there. I cared for you when you were sick, and I held you in my arms at night. I never made you feel this way. I told you how beautiful you are. You’re the only one I see. I’ve never given you a reason to feel insecure about your physical appearance.”

“No. You didn’t. I did. It doesn’t change the fact I feel like I’m not good enough to be seen at your side. Sometimes. Not always. It’s just… It’s hard to explain. All the girls I find pretty look the opposite of me. They have less curves, smaller shoulders, slimmer waists.”

“This doesn’t make sense.”

“I’m not blaming you. I just don’t wanna go back to being that insecure girl.”

“I can help you through this. I know I can if you let me in…if you gimme a chance.”

“Yes, probably, but I gotta do this on my own, like a big girl. It’s my battle, my body, and my screwed-up perceptions. For once, I must put myself first. Find my groove back, make swimming my priority. That and my mental health. Even parading in a swimsuit these days is like asking a lot from me. I never wanted you to see me naked before I looked like the girl I had pictured in my head. I only had five more pounds to shed. Five. And since our deadline was Winter Formal, I wanted to be ready and beautiful by then so whatever happened between us that night, I wouldn’t feel ashamed of my body.”