Page 50 of Certified to Handle You 3

I looked at it this time, and the number stared back at me like it had a face. I knew it was Sha’Nelle crazy ass.

Pressure ain’t say nothin’, but Kay’Lo did.

“Don’t pick that shit up unless you ready for whatever come with hearin’ her voice.”

I moved my hand away and picked up my fork instead.

The rest of lunch moved between jokes, liquor and my cousins tellin’ me what they thought without lettin’ the conversation drown us.

By the time the plates was cleared and the bottles was low, I felt a lil’ less like I was crawlin’ out my skin.

Sha’Nelle was still at the house, and she was still callin’ and textin’ from all these different numbers. My mind wanted distance, but my heart kept actin’ like it ain’t get the message. I was hopin’ if I stayed away long enough, if I kept smokin’, ridin’, eatin’ with my cousins and sleepin’ somewhere that ain’t smell like her, maybe she would start leavin’ my system.

I ain’t know if my heart was built strong enough to hold that shit, though…

I only knew I couldn’t go home yet.

Trill-Land

Four days later…

Four damn days passed and I still couldn’t get in touch with Renza, and every hour I stayed on this island made the need to see him dig deeper into my skin.

I thought gettin’ to Trill-Land was gon’ give me some type of relief, like once my feet touched the ground, my heart would calm down enough for me to think straight. That ain’t happen. If anything, bein’ here made shit worse ’cause everywhere I looked had some piece of Renza attached to it.

The streets, the restaurants, the water, the big ass houses sittin’ behind gates and the way people moved around. To me, Trill-Land had always been Renza’s world, and now I was here in the middle of it with no way to reach him.

The first day at Pluto’s, I barely did anything but sit around tryna act like I wasn’t fallin’ apart every time my phone lit up and it wasn’t him.

Pluto ain’t make me talk more than I wanted to, and that helped ’cause I ain’t have it in me to keep explainin’ the same hurt. She let me sit with Isley for a while, and holdin’ my godbaby should’ve made me feel better. She was so small and pretty, with them soft lil’ sounds and her tiny hand curlin’ around my finger. That almost made me cry all over again ’cause I ain’t feel like I knew what I was doin’ at all.

Zurie came and sat by me too, talkin’ about some show she had been watchin’ and askin’ if I remembered when she used to stay under me while everybody else was busy. I smiled for her, and I listened, but my mind kept slippin’ away.

Kaylon ran through the room twice before one of the nannies caught him, and Prestyn was somewhere fussin’ ‘cause he ain’t want what they had cooked for lunch.

It felt good seein’ the kids, and it hurt at the same time ‘cause this house had good energy movin’ through it. It had family, noise, babies, food, staff, music and all the things people built when they was in love.

Renza’s room was there and I knew that. I ain’t need nobody to point it out, and as bad as I wanted to stand outside his door, touch the handle or see if somethin’ inside still had him on it, I ain’t do it. That would’ve been disrespectful to Pluto and Pressure, and it would’ve been disrespectful to the fact that this wasn’t my house. Pluto had already given me more grace than I probably deserved by lettin’ me stay there, and I wasn’t finna repay her by sneakin’ around like I ain’t have no home trainin’.

Pressure had been around, but he was keepin’ his distance in a way that made me feel worse. He wasn’t rude to me. He ain’t try to put me out, and he ain’t make me feel like I couldn’t eat or sit in the same room, but I could tell he was tryna stay out the way. Sometimes I would walk in the kitchen and he would be there talkin’ to Pluto or kissin’ on one of the babies, and the second he saw me, he would get quiet enough for me to feel it. He wasn’t cold like Kay’Lo had been, but he was just… careful.

I was sure he knew everything, though. I knew he knew Renza wasn’t comin’ home because of me, and he knew his wife had opened the door to the woman who had his cousin out here sleepin’ in hotels instead of in his own bed.

The second day was when sittin’ still started fuckin’ with me for real. I ain’t have Renza’s location, and I ain’t have nobody willin’ to give it to me, so I started thinkin’ about the lil’ things I did know from when I lived with Toni and Kay’Lo for that year. I also thought of the places Renza used to tell me about whenever he visited Greystone and we was laid up, just smokin’ and choppin’ it up.

From spendin’ time with Renza, I knew he had routines even when he acted like he didn’t.

So I took Ubers around Trill-Land with my phone in my hand and my nerves actin’ stupid every time we turned down a street that looked familiar.

I had already reached the point where shame wasn’t stronger than me wantin’ Renza, so when the Uber pulled up near the barber shop I remembered him talkin’ about before, I got my ass out. I ain’t sit in the car pretendin’ I was above it, and I ain’t ride past tryna convince myself not to look crazy. I walked straight inside with my purse on my shoulder, my phone in my hand and my heart beatin’ like I had lost every bit of sense I ever had.

The whole shop looked up when I came in.

A nigga in the first chair stopped mid-cut and looked at me through the mirror. Two other niggas near the back turned they heads, and the one sweepin’ hair by the door paused with the broom in his hand like he was tryna figure out if I was lost or about to start somethin’. I knew how I looked, but clearly I ain’t give a damn.

“Got damn,” I heard one nigga sat, but I ignored that shit.

“Y’all know if Renza be comin’ in here?” I asked, lookin’ around the shop.