Page 46 of Certified to Handle You 3

It was late as hell by the time I pulled up to a hotel. The valet came toward my car, and I sat here for a second before puttin’ it in park. My phone lit up again in the passenger seat with another number. I stared at it until it stopped ringin’. A message came through right after, and I ain’t open it. I grabbed my small bag from the back that had my weed and a few other things in it, and handed the key off without sayin’ nothin’.

Inside, the lobby was too quiet and too polished, but I ain’t pay attention to none of it. I got a room, took the elevator up and walked down the hall with my bag hangin’ from my hand. When I got inside, I closed the door, tossed the bag on the chair and stood here for a second lookin’ around. A nigga ain’t even have a change of clothes ‘cause I hadn’t planned on not goin’ home. I ain’t planned on none of this shit. That was what Sha’Nelle did, though. She took plans and made ‘em look stupid.

I went in the bathroom, turned the shower on and got out my clothes. The water ran hot over my shoulders, and I stood under it with my hands on the tile, tryna let it wash some of the day off me. It ain’t do much, ‘cause my mind kept goin’ back to her.

After I got out the shower, I dried off and wrapped the towel around my waist. I ain’t have shit else to put on, so I walked in the room with my skin still warm from the shower and grabbed my phone off the bed. I had more missed calls, voicemails and different numbers poppin’ up. Sha’Nelle had left so many messages that I ain’t even have the patience to open none of that shit. I knew what her voice would do if I listened anyway. I knew that first crack in her tone would have me sittin’ here feelin’ like I was the one who needed to fix it, and I wasn’t doin’ that to myself tonight.

I put the phone down, went to my bag and pulled out more weed. I sat on the edge of the bed, rolled up and lit it before leanin’ back against the headboard. The towel sat low on my waist, the room was dark except for a lamp near the window and smoke curled in front of me while I looked at nothin’ and thought about everything.

The houses came back to my mind first…

I had really been out here lookin’ at houses for that damn woman. Not just any house either. I was lookin’ for shit that made sense for us. I wanted somethin’ away from too much noise but still close enough to everybody. I wanted space for her to breathe. I could see myself comin’ home from bein’ out all day and findin’ her in some sexy shit, talkin’ shit about how I took too long. I could see her cookin’ for me. Then I could see myself eatin’ her too, right there on the counter if she gave me too much of that smart ass mouth.

I blew smoke out slow and shook my head ‘cause even mad, my mind still went there with her ass, and that was the problem.

Sha’Nelle wasn’t just some woman I liked fuckin’. She was in the quiet parts of what I wanted, but she was in the ugly parts too. I could see us arguin’ in that same house. I could see her standin’ there with that sharp ass mouth and them hands movin’ ‘cause she couldn’t fuss without her whole body gettin’ involved. I could see myself lettin’ her talk until I got tired of hearin’ it, then pullin’ her close enough to make her forget whatever point she was tryna prove. We would fight. We would make up. We would probably tear each other nerves up, but it still looked like mine when I pictured it.

That was what had me fucked up…

I had pictured a ring on her finger… my ring…Not that other nigga ring... but mine. I had pictured her walkin’ toward me while my family watched, and not standin’ in front of his family with all them other muthafuckas clappin’ behind some choice she made ‘cause she ain’t know how to say no. In my head, she was walkin’ toward me on purpose, lookin’ at me like she knew exactly who she belonged with.

I could see the blue diamond on her finger. I could see her lookin’ at it every few minutes ‘cause she liked pretty shit even when she tried to act like she wasn’t moved by it.

I would’ve paid every bill in that house without thinkin’ twice; Mortgage, lights, cars, insurance, hair, nails, clothes and whatever else the fuck she wanted. All I wanted from her was to be there, look pretty, spend my money and stop runnin’ from me every time shit got real.

Then my mind went somewhere I ain’t like admitin’ out loud…

I thought about her pregnant…

I ain’t even know if I could see myself bein’ nobody damn daddy for real. Kids ain’t scare me, but fatherhood was different. That was a whole life dependin’ on you not to fuck it up, and I knew what kinda darkness lived in me. Still, when it came to ‘Nelle, my mind would slip and show me shit I ain’t asked to see, like her belly round under my hand, her attitude worse ‘cause she was carryin’ my baby, her layin’ in bed mad at me about somethin’ small while I rubbed on her and told her she was doin’ too fuckin’ much. I thought about me talkin’ to the baby through her stomach while she rolled her eyes and acted like she ain’t love it. It sounded crazy even in my head, but that was where she had me.

I hated her for that…

I hated that she had me thinkin’ about life like that and then said yes to another nigga. I hated that she had me ready to build somethin’ solid when she was still standin’ with one foot in Greystone. I hated that I could be sittin’ in a hotel room mad enough to not answer her calls, and my heart was still actin’ like it wanted me to go home. I hated that my body remembered her better than my pride did.

The phone started ringin’ again…

I looked at it and watched another number pop up. My thumb hovered near the screen for half a second, and that alone made me mad. I reached for the phone, powered the bitch off and tossed it on the bed next to me.

I needed silence and not from the world, but from her. I needed a minute where she couldn’t pull on me through a screen, ‘cause every call felt like her fingers diggin’ into a wound I was tryna keep covered.

I leaned my head back against the headboard and kept smokin’. The room was quiet now, and without the phone ringin’, my thoughts got louder. I told myself I hated Sha’Nelle. I convinced myself she was selfish, and she enjoyed this shit in some twisted way ‘cause ain’t no way she could have me this deep, know how I felt, know how far I had been willin’ to go and still let another nigga claim her life. I told myself she ain’t deserve another second of my attention.

Then I thought about her cryin’ on Pressure steps, and my chest tightened in a way that made me stare at the ceilin’ like I was sick of myself.

“Fuck,” I muttered.

I was tired, and not regular tired either. I was tired to the fuckin’ gristle. I was tired of wantin’ her, tired of missin’ her, tired of bein’ mad and tired of her name still soundin’ good in my head after everything. I wanted to shut all that shit off and sleep, but Sha’Nelle had never made nothin’ easy for me. Even gone, she was in the room. Even blocked, she was in my phone. Even with me tellin’ everybody I ain’t wanna talk to her, some part of me was still listenin’ for her.

I shifted under the towel, and that was when I felt my nuts swellin’.

I looked down at my dick pressin’ hard against the towel, and for a second, I just stared at it like it was disloyal as fuck. The head was pushin’ against the cloth, thick enough to tent the towel, and I gripped it with a low hiss slippin’ through my teeth. My hand tightened around the print, feelin’ how hard I was, and I shook my head ‘cause that shit ain’t make no sense.

“You fuckin’ serious?” I said, lookin’ down at my dick.

I shook my head, dragged a hand over my face and let out a long breath. I wasn’t finna sit in this room and beat my dick to a woman who had me this fucked up. I wasn’t finna give her that too. I put the blunt out, slid down in the bed and turned on my side with the towel still loose around my waist.

I closed my eyes and tried to force my mind away from her, but even in the dark, Sha’Nelle was still here. It was her mouth, her eyes, her voice, her tears and her walkin’ around this island lookin’ for me like she had finally realized what it felt like to be the one reachin’ with both hands and catchin’ nothin’.