Page 44 of Certified to Handle You 3

That was it… just ‘sup.’…

Pressure used to greet me like family ‘cause I had been around, and ‘cause Toni had made me part of the orbit whether anybody said it out loud or not. Tonight, I felt the space between us. I felt the part of him that was neutral, but only as far as his loyalty would let him be.

Pluto closed the door behind us and kept her arm around my waist as she walked past him. Pressure’s eyes followed us, and I could feel him and Pluto speakin’ without words. He knew not to stop her or question why she had brought me in. Maybe he ain’t like it, or maybe he understood enough to let her be who she was. Either way, he let us pass, and I was grateful for that even if his one-word greetin’ had made me feel how far I had fallen from the way shit used to be.

“I’m sorry for comin’ like this,” I said, lookin’ back at him for a second. “I ain’t mean to mess up y’all night.”

Pressure lifted his cup a lil’ and took a sip before answerin’. “You already here.”

That was Pressure, so I nodded ‘cause I ain’t know what else to do with that, and Pluto guided me deeper in the house.

The music got a lil’ clearer as we passed through the hall, and I could tell it had been somethin’ grown and slow playin’ before I showed up. There was a blanket tossed over the back of a couch, two glasses on a table and a pair of Pluto’s slippers near the rug like she had been comfortable before the doorbell pulled her away. The sight made guilt sit heavy on me. It felt like I was always showin’ up in the middle of somebody else’s peace with my heart in my hands, askin’ ‘em to help me carry it.

Pluto led me toward a sittin’ room and sat me down. She put my bag near the side of the couch, then went to get me water without makin’ me ask. I watched her move around like she wasn’t tired, annoyed or bothered, and that made me want to cry again ‘cause I ain’t know how people like Pluto existed in a family full of men who could turn cold enough to freeze the whole room.

When she came back, she handed me the glass and sat beside me. I held it with both hands ‘cause I needed somethin’ solid between my fingers.

My face felt swollen, and my body felt empty. Still, under all the hurt, that same hard part of me was alive. It was that part that had got on a plane, and the part that had left Kay’Lo’s house after bein’ put out and still ain’t turn around. It was the part that was cryin’ now, but not quittin’.

Pluto still hadn’t said nothin’. She just sat close enough for her shoulder to touch mine, and for a woman like me, that was almost more than advice. It meant she wasn’t leavin’ me alone in it.

Pressure walked past the open doorway a few minutes later, and I felt him look in, but he kept movin’.

I leaned back against the couch and closed my eyes for a second while Pluto sat with me in the quiet. I had made it through the gate, made it onto the steps and made it inside the house, but I still hadn’t made it to Renza.

That should’ve scared me enough to stop, but it didn’t. It only made the ache in my heart dig deeper ‘cause the man I wanted was close enough to be somewhere on this island.

No matter how foolish I looked, no matter how many tears I cried and no matter how many people had to watch me fall apart, I knew one thing for sure.

I wasn’t leavin’ Trill-Land until Renza heard me.

Trill-Land

A couple hours passed since me and ‘Lo parted and I was still drivin’ around like I ain’t have nowhere to be, even though I had a whole mansion I could’ve went home to. That was the fucked up part, ‘cause a nigga wasn’t homeless.

I wasn’t locked out or duckin’ no real smoke. I was ridin’ through my own island with weed burnin’ between my fingers and music playin’ low ‘cause the woman I had been tryna make a home out of had finally showed up where I was, and I ain’t know if I trusted myself enough to go see her.

Kay’Lo had been with me damn near all day, and I knew he ain’t have to be. That nigga had a wife, a baby and his own shit goin’ on, but he still stayed close after he watched me lose it a few weeks ago.

I ain’t like that the nigga had to see me that way. I ain’t like that anybody had to see me with my head down and my chest feelin’ like somebody had reached in that bitch and twisted somethin’ outta place.

Out of everybody, though, if somebody had to sit here with me while I got my shit together, I was glad it was ‘Lo. He ain’t try to make me feel better with no soft ass speech. He just sat, smoked with me and let me be fucked up without lookin’ at me like I was less of a man for it.

That was why I knew he was already on Toni ass before he even made it home. Kay’Lo loved his wife bad, but he wasn’t the nigga to play with when he felt like you was movin’ behind his back.

Toni and Sha’Nelle had the bond, and I understood that. Blood, love, loyalty and all that. But ‘Lo wasn’t wrong for feelin’ a way, ‘cause the same woman Toni was protectin’ was the same woman who had my head all the way gone. She was the same woman I had been tryna plan a life around and was apparently in Trill-Land now, sittin’ in his house, askin’ to talk to me like I was supposed to jump just ‘cause she finally got tired of me not pickin’ up the phone.

That shit almost made me laugh, but there wasn’t nothin’ funny in me.

I used to pop up on ‘Nelle in her city like I owned the air she was breathin’. I would get on a plane or the jet, pull up wherever she was and make it real hard for her to pretend she ain’t want me there. Now she was on my island doin’ the same shit back to me, and I ain’t know if that made me proud, mad or more hurt than I already was. Hell, maybe it was all three. A part of me wanted to see her real fuckin’ bad, and that was the sick part about the shit.

My phone kept lightin’ up with numbers I ain’t know, and even though I already knew most of ‘em was her, my hand still twitched every time one came through. My heart wanted to answer, but my mind knew better.

I ain’t answer ‘cause I knew how Sha’Nelle got in my ear. She ain’t even have to say much. That woman could breathe a certain way over the phone and have me forgettin’ every reason I had to stay mad. I knew that about myself, and I hated the shit.

I hated that I could be this pissed off at her and still want her voice in my ear. I hated that I could feel played with and still wonder what she was doin’. I couldn’t stand that Kay’Lo could tell me she was at his crib and my first thought wasn’t even about how crazy she was for comin’. It was about how she sounded when she asked for me, if she had been cryin’, and why the fuck my heart still cared after she had already made a nigga feel stupid for lovin’ her.

That was why I had to keep drivin’…