Page 14 of Certified to Handle You 3

“He probably hate me,” I said.

“He hurt,” Toni told me.

I squeezed my eyes shut, but tears still pushed out.

“I look stupid as fuck,” I said, and my voice broke so bad I had to stop for a second. “I look like I been playin’ with him.”

“You made a mess, but you ain’t been playin’,” Toni said. “It’s a difference.”

“It don’t feel like one.”

She let out another sigh, and I could hear her movin’ around, probably tryna get away from My’Love for a second. “It’s more to it too.”

My stomach dropped lower. “What else?”

“Renza was lookin’ for houses.”

“He was what?” I asked, even though I heard her.

“He was lookin’ for houses,” Toni said. “Kay’Lo said he was with him when he found out. Renza had been lookin’ at houses ‘cause he was tryna have somewhere for y’all. He was gon’ propose to you too.”

Everything inside me went quiet, and that scared me more than the cryin’ did. I just sat here with my hand pressed so hard against my chest that my nails was diggin’ through my shirt. My mouth opened, but nothin’ came out.

The room looked the same, but it ain’t feel the same no more. The dresser, the ring, my clothes on the floor, the sunlight on the carpet, all of it looked like it belonged to somebody else.

I had been tellin’ myself Renza loved me in his way, and I knew that. I knew he wanted me. I knew he had wanted me in Trill-Land, in his life, but I ain’t know he had been doin’ the work for it right then. I ain’t know he was lookin’ at houses while I was standin’ in Greystone lettin’ another man put a ring on my finger.

Toni kept talkin’, but her voice sounded far for a second. “I don’t even understand him with that part, though. Y’all wasn’t talkin’ like that, and he was out here lookin’ for houses and plannin’ proposals. That don’t make no damn sense to me, Sha’Nelle. I love Renza but that nigga be movin’ off feelin’s and pride at the same damn time. How he gon’ plan a whole life and not tell you?”

I swallowed, and it hurt. “I wish he would’ve told me.”

“I know, but you know Renza.”

“No,” I said, and more tears came ‘cause I couldn’t hold ‘em back no more. “I knew he wanted me with him, and I knew he was serious in his own fucked up way, but I ain’t know he was currently doin’ it. I ain’t know he was lookin’ for houses, and had a ring.”

That last part made me cry harder. I bent forward with the phone pressed to my ear and my other hand over my face. Snot slid down my nose, and I wiped it with the tissue, but it was no point ‘cause everything kept comin’. I felt ugly, weak, selfish, scared and stupid all at the same damn time.

I wanted to go back and snatch my own hand away before Couture ever slid that ring on it. I wanted to go back and call Renza before everything got too big. I wanted to go back to one of them days when he was still answerin’ and tell him I was scared, not done.

“Cousin,” Toni said, and her voice softened. “Breathe for a second.”

“I can’t,” I cried. “He won’t answer me.“

Toni stayed quiet, and for once, she ain’t try to save me from myself.

“I don’t think I can live without him,” I said, cryin’ so hard my words kept breakin’ apart. “And I know that shit sound crazy ‘cause I been livin’. I been breathin’. I been wakin’ up every day, but it don’t feel like life when I gotta keep talkin’ myself into not needin’ him. It feel like I’m just gettin’ through days.”

“Sha’Nelle,” Toni said soft.

“I gotta call him,” I said, already pullin’ the phone from my ear.

“Wait. Don’t do it while you like this.”

“I gotta call him.”

“Cousin, listen to me.”

“I can’t sit on this phone right now, Toni. I love you, but I can’t. I gotta try again.”