Page 13 of Certified to Handle You 3

I kept lookin’ at my phone, and every time the screen stayed dark, it felt like Renza was answerin’ me without sayin’ a word.

When my phone finally rang, I jumped so fast I almost dropped it. My whole body sat up before my eyes even focused on the name, and for one lil’ second I really thought it was him. That lil’ hope came through me so quick it made me feel dizzy, but when I saw Toni name on the screen, I covered my mouth and let out a sound I ain’t even mean to make. I needed my cousin too, though. I needed somebody who knew me without me havin’ to clean up the shit I was feelin’ first.

I answered and wiped under my nose with the tissue. “Hello?”

“‘Nelle?” Toni asked, and just hearin’ her voice made my eyes fill right back up. “How you feelin’, cousin?”

I sat up against the headboard and pushed my hair off my shoulders ‘cause I felt like it was chokin’ me. I looked around the room like the answer was somewhere on the floor with my bonnet and the clothes I ain’t put away. “I don’t even know right now, Toni.”

She was quiet for a second, and I could hear My’Love makin’ noise somewhere in the background. That sound made my chest hurt for a whole different reason ‘cause life was still goin’ on for everybody else while mine felt like it was sittin’ in the middle of the street with cars passin’ around it.

“You been talkin’ to him?” she asked.

I laughed a lil’, but it came out broke. “Talkin’ to who? The voicemail? ’Cause that’s the only muthafucka answerin’ me right now.”

“Damn,” she said soft.

“He blocked me, Toni. I been callin’ since yesterday. I left messages. I told him about the engagement myself, but he ain’t pick up then either. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if he heard it, if he deleted it, if he don’t care or if he just sittin’ there lettin’ me suffer ‘cause he know I deserve it.”

“You don’t deserve to suffer,” she said.

I looked at the ring on the dresser, then looked away before it made me start cryin’ harder. “I said yes, Toni. I said yes, and now I can’t even breathe right. Everybody keep lookin’ at it like it’s supposed to be beautiful, and I keep lookin’ at it like I done put myself in some shit I don’t know how to get out of without hurtin’ somebody.”

Toni got quiet again, and this time it felt different. It felt like she had somethin’ sittin’ on her tongue and ain’t know if she should drop it on me while I was already down.

“What?” I asked, snifflin’ hard. “Bitch, what?”

She sighed. “I need to tell you somethin’, but I don’t want you spiralin’ worse than you already is.”

I closed my eyes ‘cause that sentence alone made my stomach turn. “Bitch, just say it.”

“Kay’Lo told Renza you was engaged.”

For a second, I ain’t say nothin’. I just sat here with the phone against my ear while them words moved through me slow.

I had told Renza myself. I knew I had. I left a voicemail and forced the truth out ‘cause I ain’t want him findin’ out from nobody else. But hearin’ that Kay’Lo had already put it in front of him made me feel like I had been late to my own confession. It made me feel like Renza had watched me say yes before he ever had to hear me explain why I did.

“What you mean Kay’Lo told him?” I asked, and my voice was so low it barely sounded like mine.

“His nosey ass went on your page,” Toni said, soundin’ irritated all over again. “He saw the video of Couture proposin’ to you, and he showed it to Renza.”

My hand slid over my chest before I even noticed I was doin’ it. I pressed my palm there ‘cause the hurt came so fast I ain’t know what else to do with it.

Renza had seen it. He seen me standin’ there with all them people around. He had seen me put my hand out, and seen that ring go on my finger. He heard me say yes,

“Oh my God,” I whispered.

“I’m sorry, cousin.”

I shook my head even though she couldn’t see me. “He saw it?”

“Yeah,” she replied low.

I pulled the phone from my ear for a second and covered my mouth ‘cause I felt like I was gon’ be sick. Tears rolled down my cheeks, and my nose started runnin’ again, but I ain’t even reach for the tissue right away. I just sat here with my hand on my chest and the phone in my lap ‘cause all I could see was Renza watchin’ that video.

I could see his face. I knew how he got when somethin’ hit him deeper than he wanted to admit. I knew how quiet he could get. I knew how dangerous that quiet could be, and I knew I had put him there.

When I put the phone back to my ear, Toni was still there, quiet and waitin’ on me.