Page 64 of Virtually Guarded

When he put it that way, it didn’t sound any better than saying he had to get me off whether he wanted to or not. Choices. Everything with Ren, especially when it came to sex, had to be about him having choices.

“No. There is no ‘have to,’” I said slowly. “I would prefer that you let me make you feel good. I’m expressing what I want, that’s all. If you aren’t okay with me touching you, making you come, I won’t. It can be one-way if that’s what you want. I won’t do anything unless you agree. And if you aren’t okay with doing me, or if you’re only offering because you feel obligated, you don’t have to touch me either.”

I forced myself to stop, because I would have just kept repeating myself. In my life, especially growing up, I’d seen too many people pushed into doing things against their will. Not necessarily sexually, but in general, I’d known too many people who were denied control of their own lives. Hell, as a kid, I’d been one of those people. I’d always sworn to myself that I wouldn’t take away anyone’s control or free will. Knowing what Ren had lived with before his change, I was even more determined with him. He would always have a choice. We both would.

He didn’t answer, just kept scanning my face as if he was looking for a sign. Of what, I couldn’t have said. After a minute or so, the silence was too much—which was uncommon in and of itself, because I was well accustomed to and comfortable with silence—and I spoke again. “I could say that over and over if you want, that this is a two-yes thing and I won’t do anything you don’t agree to, but it might get a little boring.”

He chuckled, but sadness lurked in his eyes. “Look, I just want…It isn’t because I owe you anything. I care about you. I want you to feel good. You’re turned on, and I’m right here, so why not let me take care of you? I’m not saying you can’t return the favor. Just it can’t be, like, a condition. Because if we keep doing this, sometimes I’ll want to do things to you and not have you return the favor. Sometimes I like doing it because I want to see the other person squirm. Hear them moan. Not because I want anything for me.”

“Yeah. Okay.” Something in me warmed at the idea of continuing this kind of thing with Ren. The sex, sure, but that wasn’t the main appeal for me. The physical closeness. Being with someone I loved in all possible ways.

Damn, I was turning into a sap.

“I’m not saying no to you getting me off. If you want to touch me, I won’t stop you.” He ran his tongue over his upper lip. Sexy, but the uncertainty in his eyes dulled the appeal. “Leave my chest alone, though. I can’t…People touching my chest gets to me in all the wrong ways. I don’t know why. I mean, it feels good physically? But just don’t.”

“I won’t.” I stroked his hair again, because I was beginning to love the contrast between the spikiness and softness. His hair was a lot like him.

“I’ll probably keep my binder on, actually.” His eyes widened, and he gasped. “Fuck, I just assumed we’ll be getting naked. We don’t have to. Not that I’m opposed.”

“I would love to see whatever of your body you’re willing to show me,” I said quietly. “I’ve seen you with no binder, but that was different. Seeing you naked because you’re shifting is different from seeing your body during sex.”

During lovemaking. Even if he couldn’t say he loved me, that was what this would be. Concerned that it would scare him off, I didn’t say so out loud.

“You saw it during your solo sex, right?” Blushing, he grinned. “You in the shower, me in bed. We were jerking off thinking about each other’s bodies.”

“Oh, absolutely we were.” I gave into an impulse to kiss the top of his head. He made a contented little sound and pressed himself closer to me. “In my fantasy, you didn’t wear a binder, but in reality, it’s your decision. You being comfortable is what matters to me.”

“Yeah?” He propped himself up on one arm and looked down at me with faintly orange eyes. “You know, it’s still pretty fucking hot to hear that you did yourself while thinking about me.”

“Likewise.” The hunger building in me, the craving to touch Ren or be touched by him, was too strong to let me say anything more.

“Hot as hell.” Abruptly, he rolled on top of me.

At that full-body contact, the heat running through me roared into full inferno. Without thinking, I cupped Ren’s ass. With a soft moan, he ground against my hard cock.

I gasped. Yeah, this was happening. Whatever he wanted to do, short of sitting on my dick to ride it. Hell, at this point I probably would have allowed that too, except my human brain held onto the reality of neither of us being ready for claiming. But if he wanted to stroke me, suck me, I wouldn’t stop him.

He bent and touched his lips to the hollow of my collarbone, and I whimpered. “Nice.”

“Yeah, is it?” He did it again and chuckled against my skin when I shivered. “I guess so. I found a spot.”

“You didn’t—Oh, hell, Ren.” I needed to keep my mind together long enough to get an answer. “What’s okay? Please. What can I do for you?”

“Somebody sounds desperate.” He kissed my lips, and I could have sworn I saw literal sparks fly. “Kiss me anywhere except my chest and between my legs. I’m a fan of giving oral. I hate receiving.”

“Got it.”

“You can touch between my legs. Any part.” He kissed the other side of my neck, and I had exactly the same reaction as before. He nipped me there, just the lightest touch of teeth, and I thought I would come right off the damn bed. “Oh, I’m learning you,” he murmured. “Look, I’ve told you what not to do, yeah? So if it isn’t on that list, do it.”

“Tell me if I do something you don’t want.” I would check in with him anyway. Assuming I kept enough of my wits about me to think of it. Given how he was making me feel already, I might not be up to that task. “Promise.”

“Yeah.” Confusion flitted across his features, and he kissed me again, this time a gentle kiss on the forehead. “You care.”

“I love you.” And I would probably keep saying that now that I’d gotten the words out once. “I want to take care of you. When you let me.”

“Can’t promise I’ll always let you.” He slipped one hand under my shirt, and his bare skin on mine set off another flame. “I promise I’ll tell you if you do something I’m not okay with, though.”

“Good.”