Page 63 of Virtually Guarded

I took a long breath and shoved away the might-have-been thoughts. Ren hadn’t shifted. He hadn’t died. He was here, in my arms, and I would do everything in my power to make sure no one ever harmed him again.

Ren nudged me onto my back and curled against me, his head on my chest. I encircled him with my arms but kept my embrace loose enough that he could easily get out of it if he wanted. His hair, spiky but soft, smelled like cinnamon and apples. His entire body did. A warm smell that reminded me of being a kid cuddling with my grandmother, which wasn’t the image I wanted in my head when I lay there embracing my mate.

For a while, we simply lay, bundled in the blanket and wrapped in each other. It felt more right, more perfect, than anything I’d experienced before.

Then I heard a soft sniffle. Something soaked into my shirt, and Ren trembled. “Shit. I didn’t want to cry again.”

“Why are you crying?” Concerned, I stroked his hair. “Ren?”

“You.” He sniffled. “Not in a bad way. In a ‘holy fuck, he actually does love me’ way. I feel it. When we’re here like this? You’re holding me, and I feel what you feel.”

“I’m glad.” If he felt my love rather than only hearing me speak it, maybe it would be easier for him to trust.

“I can’t say I love you back.” He raised his head. His expression was troubled, but he looked me in the eye. “Not right now, anyway. I hope I’ll be able to eventually.”

“I hope so too.” It would be pretty awkward if I fell in love with someone who didn’t love me back. Especially if we did end up declaring and claiming each other, though neither of those required love. But that was a thing for future me to deal with. “If you never can, I’m still planning to be here.”

“How the hell did I end up with a mate like you?” With a soft noise, he lowered his head again. “You’re something special, Xavier. Anyone would be lucky to have you.”

“Anyone doesn’t get me. Only you do.” That was a little too close to promising forever, and he wouldn’t take that well. “Right now, I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else.”

“Neither would I,” he whispered.

We fell silent again as I marveled at the miracle I held. Love. I loved Ren Torres. It had sneaked up on me, because romantic love wasn’t something I’d often felt and so I hadn’t anticipated it. I had romantically loved others, even though it hadn’t led to anything, but that love had been nothing like this. This connection with Ren that made him part of me. That made me feel more like myself than I had in a long time. He was right about the suddenness of it, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t real.

Though with his body against mine, his head on my chest, that beautiful cinnamon apple scent that was, now that I thought about it, probably just the remnants of the apple pastries we’d had for dessert, something stirred in my groin. I wasn’t in a hurry, but I so badly wanted to be inside him, making love to him, making him mine, and my cock rose in response to the thought.

“You’re getting turned on,” he teased.

Shit. I should have tried harder to keep myself under control. My face heated, and I took a few deep breaths. There was no point denying it. “Yes, I am.”

“I thought you’d say you weren’t.” He rolled onto his stomach and lifted his head. “We could do something about that.”

“Ren, you aren’t…” I stopped. It wasn’t up to me whether he was ready to be claimed. That was a decision for him and only him to make. Though I wasn’t certain I was ready. “Are you sure you’re feeling all right? Physically. I don’t want to make anything worse.” Okay, so maybe I wasn’t only talking about the physical.

He knew what I hadn’t said. “I want this with you, Xavier. To be closer to you.” He studied me with a mix of uncertainty and desire that absolutely did things to my lower body. “Physically, I’m fine. My head doesn’t even hurt anymore. The doctor says everything is healed the way it’s supposed to be. Anyway, I don’t necessarily mean fucking. Not full-on. Just…” His hand slowly moved down my chest. “I could get you off. I want to. I’d like to see you come. Maybe even in my mouth.”

A strong wave of desire sent shivers through me. My entire body heated the way my face had, but not out of embarrassment. I needed him. Craved him. Even if it was only his mouth. Or his hand. I wanted his touch, and now that the idea was planted, it wasn’t going away.

“You don’t have to,” I mumbled, one last attempt to get out of this. Or make sure he was a hundred percent willing to get into it. I didn’t even know anymore. While my mind raced, one thought clarified, and I couldn’t keep it to myself. “Ren, remember at the hunt house? We jerked off in separate rooms and it strengthened our bond. What do you think will happen if we’re here together and we get each other off?”

He blinked and chewed on his lower lip. “Yeah. That was intense. This will probably be more intense. Not claiming, though, right?”

“No.” I didn’t think so. Probably not. “Claiming requires intercourse.” My face got hot for no reason I could name. “Like you said, though, it might be more intense. You don’t have to do anything for me, Ren. I’m happy just being here with you.”

“I know.” His eyes widened. “You really mean that.”

“You don’t owe me anything.” My body was starting to clamor for my mouth to shut the hell up so Ren could get on with whatever he wanted to do to me, but I had decades of practice ignoring my body on the few occasions when it and my mind weren’t in agreement. “You don’t have to give me anything.”

“I know. I said I want to, and I really mean that.” He kissed my chest, and even through my shirt, his lips were fire.

“I want to make you feel good too,” I said, feeling awkward as hell. I was even worse at this kind of talk than I was at romance. “Tell me what it’s okay to do with you, Ren. I’d love to have you get me off, but I’d rather it not be a one-way thing. I want to do it for you, too.”

“Oh, wow.” His forehead creased, and he stared at the headboard for a moment. “You know something awful? No one has ever asked me that before. What it’s okay to do with me. People just did the sex stuff they wanted. I mean, consensually—well, usually. But they just did what they felt like doing. I don’t even know how to answer you.”

“I’m not doing anything you don’t want.” I cupped his cheek with one hand and looked into his beautiful eyes. “And if you don’t want me to do anything, I’m good with continuing to just hold you.”

“I have to let you get me off if I’m going to get you off?” He raised his eyebrows.