Page 83 of Letting Go at 40

Lynlee takes the rock from me and doesn’t flinch when I grip her little hips and tug her onto the sofa beside me. As I lean back on the couch cushion, I ignore the stares of others in the room. No one knows Mason was here in October with Lynlee. Or showed up in July. Or surprised me in May.

He’s been like my heart-shaped rock. A beautiful thing that I keep in my pocket, touching it to bring me comfort and peace. Only, I’m ready to share that soothing stability with others. I’m ready to share him . . . us.

Eventually, Lynlee leans against my arm and I glance up at Mason again, wondering what has him so frazzled, fried looking even.

He shakes his head when his gaze falls on Lynlee.

Later.

+ + +

“Samantha is dead. Overdose.” Mason’s words hit the room like a bomb.

Lynlee is upstairs in a guest bedroom. Archer took Rosie and Talia to the garage apartment. River went home earlier with Trevor and Oliver when baby Lake fell asleep. Baby Ben is sleeping in a pack-and-play in the formal living room. Everyone else lingers to hear Mason’s tale.

Mason sits in the single overstuffed chair in the room. He holds a glass of dark liquid in his hands as he leans forward, elbows on his thighs. Zack sits closest to him on the nearby couch.

“The other morning, I’d missed a series of calls from Lynlee that Samantha hadn’t woken up. That Lynlee couldn’t get her to wake.” Mason blows out a breath and meets my eyes. “I called a neighbor who had a key and told her to check on things.”

His hollow stare holds on me as he explains his sudden absence.

The unspoken is he’d missed his daughter’s calls because he’d been with me.

Guilt stabs me in the chest. Why hadn’t he just told me?

“I didn’t like Samantha, but I didn’t want her dead.” His voice cracks. The emotion isn’t one of sorrow but disappointment. “I never trusted her. Didn’t think she was good with Lynlee but this . . . this . . .”

He swipes a hand through his hair, then downs the remainder of the liquid in his glass.

“I knew she did drugs. She promised me she didn’t do them around Lynlee.” He huffs, suggesting Samantha had lied.

“Was it intentional?” Logan’s voice is quiet as he asks.

Mason shakes his head. “Toxicology report says her blood alcohol was high, but it was the combination of drugs in her system that pushed her over. I don’t think she planned to kill herself. She just wanted to get lost.”

Mason glances at me. My chest aches. Has he done that in the past? Has he smoked too much, snorted too much, lost himself in others to dull his pain?

I don’t like the idea of him hurting himself in this manner. He had Ben to talk to if things pained him. Did he not see that Zack and Logan were here for him as well? There were secrets I didn’t know about Mason. Maybe Ben hadn’t known them either.

“And Lynlee had been home?” Jenna asks, her voice high with concern.

“Samantha had hosted a holiday party. Said it would just be a few friends and their kids.”

Mason tips his head back and stares at the ceiling. “How did I get myself involved in that woman’s life?”

“A better question is what happens now with Lynlee?” Logan asks.

“You’re her father. You have full custody,” Zack explains and Mason’s head snaps forward. He meets Zack’s gaze.

“That’s what I wanted, but not like this.” Mason’s voice is low, ragged.

“We know,” Zack says, locking eyes with his friend.

The words necessary to comfort Mason escape me. Instead, I listen to the conversation around us but everything in me wants to wrap myself around Mason. Offer him the security he needs to know he’s okay. Lynlee is okay. They are going to survive this moment. I understand. He might not have loved Samantha. As he just said he didn’t even like her, but the loss of someone imbedded so deeply into your life is profound. I’m living proof that life moves forward.

“How did things get so fucked up?” Mason asks Zack before lowering his head again. “Why am I always fucking up?”

“Don’t do that,” Zack says, reaching out and grabbing Mason’s knee. “Don’t take this on as your fault. She did this, not you.”