Page 65 of Letting Go at 40

“All of it.” Zack waves out. “Forgive yourself for whatever you need forgiving.”

Zack breathes heavily. “And as for Anna. Hearts can’t help what they want, who they love. If you love Anna, well, here’s your chance.”

“You know you sound a little like River with that hearts can’t help who they love.” Logan chuckles.

“And maybe she’s onto something,” Zack softens his voice, as he often does when referring to River. “Sometimes our hearts know things before our heads get the memo.”

Zack glances at the fire, flames wavering in the breeze. He moved here to raise his boys with River. With love. They’re even having a baby together.

Logan moved here as well, following my advice that you need to chase what you want in life.

Why was I the only one sitting still?

“I’m moving to Lakeside,” I blurt, making the decision as I sit among my oldest friends.

“For Anna?” Zack’s brows pinch in concern, returning us to the subject that has taken over tonight.

“For Anna. For the kids. For you guys.” I pause, anxious while convicted. Always on the outside, but I want in. “For me. Everyone is here but me.”

“What about Lynlee?” Logan questions. The guys only vaguely know my troubles with Samantha. How she’s a bitch. I haven’t opened up to them much about her manipulations over the years or my fears of fatherhood, but I need to do better. I need to let them in.

“I might need a lawyer. I want my daughter.”

Mediation isn’t working, and if Lynlee is being abused, physically or even mentally, I’m losing time. I want to raise her here among these men who are my family.

And near the woman who holds my heart.

Chapter 23

1 Year Ago

August

Third Reunion Over

[Anna]

When Jenna left to return to her home, misery and confusion filled my friend. We still have not heard from Archer and the number of holes in my heart grow. My parents. Ben. My brother. An overwhelming sense of loss takes over.

Mason suggests he stay a little longer, worried that something related to Archer could come back on me and the kids. Since the night he held me, a reinforced wall is built between us again. We exist among incidental chatter with tight tones and short answers. Still, deeper questions rest in his eyes when he looks at me. I’m certain mine don’t disguise my confusion.

The entire two weeks has been a roller-coaster of emotions.

Reminders of Ben. Desire for Mason.

Despite the numerous times I denied any feelings for Mason when Jenna brought him up, and I dismissed all conversations about second chances, I can’t pretend that something isn’t happening between Mason and me. Something that goes beyond friendship.

I’m almost relieved our friends are returning to their respective homes. Life will return to our new normal. Our third reunion is officially over.

There are moments I miss from being married. The times when you climb into bed with your life-partner and talk about things that need to be discussed in the privacy of your room. However, I can’t just invite Mason to my bedroom. Maybe tonight we can take a walk on the beach or sit on the landing and watch the sunset.

Our friends have hardly left when Mason and I return to the kitchen, and he gets a call.

“Hello,” he hesitantly answers and then a heavy pause occurs. “Lynlee?”

His daughter’s name in question has our eyes meeting. All thoughts of discussions about us leave my head. I step closer to him.

“Fuck,” Mason growls as he drops the phone to the island counter and braces his hands on the top. The set of his shoulders pulls tight. His jaw tenses.