Page 64 of Letting Go at 40

“Tell me something I don’t know,” Logan scoffs. I stare at my friend, surprised, confused. Zack has turned his head in Logan’s direction as well.

Logan straightens in his chair, hand on his kneecap while the other presses into the armrest. “What? I know you’ve always thought I was the dumb chump in the group. Good for a laugh. Lacking with the ladies, but I have eyes. I’ve seen how you act or rather how you don’t. Never touching her. Always watching her.”

“I never thought you were a dumb chump.” He’s a fucking architect.

Logan huffs. “Dude, that’s bullshit, but also not the point. I see you.” He points two fingers at his eyes and then swivels his hand to point at me.

“I heard about her birthday,” Logan admits. My face heats and it has nothing to do with the flames of the fire before us.

“And I heard she had a visitor on the anniversary of Ben’s passing,” Zack adds, his voice not condemning but concerned.

I scrub my forehead, elbow pressed into the armrest. “I shouldn’t have these feelings. She’s my best friend’s wife.” I’m practically screaming the words into the void around us.

“And he’s dead,” Zack adds, sympathy softening his tone. “You’re not. And neither is Anna.”

I risk looking at Zack, knowing that he and Anna have been lifelong friends.

“He’d never forgive me.” I swallow hard, lowering my head. “And looking after her? This wasn’t what he meant.”

“Has something happened?” Logan asks, his voice hesitant while incredulous.

“Tell me you didn’t fuck her.” Bitterness rings in Zack’s accusation.

My head pops up, and I narrow my eyes into slits at Zack, offended on Anna’s behalf. “Never.” The word is a threat and a confession. Fucking Anna isn’t what I want. I’ve been with plenty of women in my life. Fucking around is all I’ve done. She is different. She’s always been different.

Zack’s shoulders relax. His head lifts. He nods once, both in apology and relief.

“She’s allowed to live, though.” Logan surprises both Zack and me and we look in tandem at him. He shrugs. “Dude, you think Ben wanted her to just sit around and pine over him. Ben loved life. He’d want Anna to live it to the fullest.”

The words swirl around us, and I swear the flames nearly dance as if agreeing with Logan.

“Still, asking me to watch over her didn’t mean he was giving her to me.”

Zack is watching me again, tilting his head to the side a second. “Did you ever consider he might have been gifting you to her?”

“Gifting? What the fuck?” I pause.

“Because you just said you love her, dumbass.” Logan laughs. “Who else is a man going to want to watch his wife than someone else who loves her?”

“Watch her,” I clarify. “Not be with her.”

Zack continues to observe me, taking a moment to process as he sometimes does. He never makes a rash decision. Always meticulous and a bit hardcore at times. Falling for River might have been one of the most spontaneous things he’d ever done. Out of character. Out of his element. And yet they fit together like pieces of a puzzle.

“Maybe it was more about her. Ben knew she had love to give and he wanted that love to go to someone who needed it most. Someone he trusted.”

My brows pinch. Just what the hell was Zack saying? “Ben would not want me to be that man.”

“Why not?” Logan asks.

“Man, you’ve got to let shit go,” Zack mutters.

“What?” I lean forward in my chair, digging my elbows into my thighs as I focus on Zack. “What did you just say to me?”

Let go. That’s precisely what Ben asked me to do.

“No one gets it more than me. Harboring old hurts. Holding onto the past. Freaking out about the future. Just let it go, Mason.”

“Let go of what exactly?” I snap, as if I don’t hear him loud and clear.