Page 44 of This Changes Everything

“N-no. Just . . . You know.” I bit my lip. “Anyway, the audition is for a two-year intensive theater program at Bronwyn School for the Arts. It’s in New York.”

“New York?” Rory was holding his breath. “That’s new . . . different,” he muttered.

“It’s ludicrous to think that I might get in. It’s this prestigious performing arts school. It would never happen. But I don’t know. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach, just eating at me . . . I don’t belong here. And maybe there’s something else for me out there. Something more.” I hung my head. “I’m mortified even to say that out loud, but I’m never going to be happy if I don’t . . . if I don’t . . .”

Try.

I looked back at Rory, and he was already looking at me. “Would you go to Seattle with me for the audition? For backup?” I asked meekly.

Rory let out a jagged breath. “Yeah, Cains. I’ll go.” He pulled his hand away from mine and stood to finish our walk.

Five months later, I was accepted into Bronwyn School for the Arts. I couldn’t believe it. Nobody could, except for Rory.

“Are you breaking up with Matt? Or are you thinking about doing long distance with him?” Blair asked while slurping his spicy miso ramen.

“Oh man,” I sighed.

Hannah, Kara, Cameron, Blair, Jacob, Orson, Rory, and I were grabbing a late-night snack at a hole-in-the-wall after-hours ramen spot just off Granville Street in downtown Vancouver. We’d gone to a concert at the Commodore Ballroom as part of my going-away festivities because I was leaving in a week. Rory and I had intentionally spent the entire night with someone standing between us, acting as a buffer. At least, that’s what I was doing. I wasn’t sure what he was doing because he looked so goddamn good with his hair all sweaty and his T-shirt clinging to him that I could barely look in his direction.

We crammed around the restaurant’s small table. Blair was letting Hannah share his broth. Orson was still waiting for his meal because they had put the wrong order in and had to remake it. Jacob was inhaling his food. Kara’s head was hanging low. She was drunk, and Cameron was preoccupied with taking care of her. Rory and I sat across from each other.

“Matt is on Salt Spring Island right now, but he’s back tomorrow. I’ll figure it out.” I stuffed noodles into my mouth.

Jacob groaned. “Why don’t you just pick up the phone and break up with him?”

I scoffed. “Nice. Classy, Jacob.”

“Do you even love him?” Jacob asked with his mouth full.

“No. Ellie loves Rory,” Kara announced.

Every muscle in my body contracted. My heart sank to the bottom of my stomach. She’d said it. She’d actually said it. Kara was known to let things slip out from time to time, but this was unfamiliar territory. Kara had said the thing that no one ever said.

Orson stiffened. Jacob’s face warped into an “uh-oh” expression. Hannah’s cheeks popped out like she was a blowfish. Cameron’s eyes bugged out of his head as he wrapped his arm around Kara. Rory was the only one who didn’t flinch. With a clenched jaw, he kept his eyes on the ground.

“Don’t listen to her. She doesn’t know what she’s saying,” Cameron said, trying to cover for Kara.

The silence that took over the table had a high-pitched ring attached to it.

“Ummm, so . . .” I laughed nervously. “So this is how I die.” I nodded, still softly chuckling. “Okay, cool. I just need to—I’m gonna go outside and get some air. Get a cab and all that. I’ll see you later.” My voice was trembling.

I got up from my chair. Blair, now twenty-three, shot up like a rocket to stand with me.

“Cainey, don’t be dumb,” Blair implored. Blair and Jacob had moved into a downtown apartment, and the plan had been for us all to crash at their place. That clearly was no longer happening.

“It’s okay,” I said. Hannah grabbed my hand to steady me, and I pushed her away. “No, Hannah. Honestly, it’s fine. We all know she’s right.” I shrugged and gestured flippantly toward Rory. His dark-brown eyes were now burning a hole into me. All my fucks officially went out the window. My vision went blurry. “Not like it’s ever mattered, but there you have it.”

“Not like it’s ever mattered?” Rory repeated. “Is that a joke? You think that wouldn’t matter to me? Ellie, you’ve had a boyfriend this whole time!” Rory stood.

“Why do you think that is, Rory? What the hell was I supposed to do?! Not live my life?” I couldn’t stop myself from shouting. “You’ve never said that you actually like me. We’ve danced around it, but you’ve never said it. Never. Not once.”

“Are you kidding me right now?” Rory looked stunned.

“You haven’t.”

“Neither have you!” he roared.

I scoffed. “I told you I loved you at prom, and you told me to stop talking.”