Page 43 of This Changes Everything

“Good night.” I laughed, then pulled myself back into bed. I most definitely did not sleep.

Chapter 14

VANCOUVER 20 years old

RORY AND I WERE ON THE SEAWALL AND MAKING OUR WAY UNDER the Lions Gate Bridge, walking past the massive greenish-blue anchorage near the tip of Stanley Park. We had done that a lot since rekindling our friendship after prom. For two years, we had been meeting up once or twice a month. We’d go for a walk or a hike, or we’d hit some balls at a public driving range. We always did something outside, letting the world come between us.

Kara and Cameron started joining us once Cameron finally came to his senses and asked her out. Hannah and Orson made appearances, too, and when Jacob came, he always brought a different girl. Usually, it was just me and Rory. My boyfriend, Matt, went to the driving range with us once. That was a goddamn nightmare. Rory never brought anyone else, though Kara told me there had been a couple of girls since prom.

Our conversation was surface-level, which was unusual for us. Even as kids, Rory and I had figured out a way to talk to each other without fear of being misunderstood, except, of course, when it came to our feelings. Then we said nothing.

I stared off into the ocean, unfocused, and Rory didn’t say anything about it until we reached Third Beach.

“What’s going on? I don’t think you’ve formed a sentence in the last ten minutes.” He looked out at the thirteen gigantic freighters in the water.

“I don’t know.” I sighed.

“Liar.” He flicked his eyes over to me but kept his distance.

I was studying psychology at university, but only because it was what my sister was studying. I had stopped swimming competitively after high school. My auditions were few and far between, and they never progressed beyond one line or a dance. I had been studying with an acting coach since graduating high school, working on monologues I had written myself, but I feared no one would ever see them performed. I was also taking singing lessons, and my acting coach encouraged me to participate in community theater in and around Vancouver, which I kept secret from everyone. After my coach found out I was writing my own material, she started taking me seriously and began pushing different theater programs at me. I had finally applied to UCLA and was rejected. I could feel everything I believed myself to be slowly disassembling.

But I couldn’t let it go. I wasn’t finished, but without the dream of UCLA, I didn’t know how to fill the phantom emptiness and unraveling inside me. I had felt this way for a long time and hadn’t talked to anyone about it.

“I don’t know, Rory . . . I think I’m . . .” I deflated. “I don’t know.” I moved over to one of the empty logs on the beach and sat. I didn’t tell Rory about UCLA. I couldn’t stomach him knowing I’d failed at the one thing I’d told everyone I would do.

“Is it school-related?” Rory sat next to me, and even though he was six inches away, I could feel all our years of distance keeping us as far apart as possible. He dipped the toes of his shoes into the sand, and let a long stretch of silence pass before saying, “You’ve got to work with me here, Cains.” He tipped his body back. “Is it Matt?”

“No,” I answered quickly, not wanting to go there.

“Well, then, what’s going on? I can tell you’re off.”

I zeroed in on some grayish-white sand fleas near Rory’s feet. “I just feel unsettled.” I took a deep breath. “Things aren’t what I thought they’d be, you know?”

Rory nodded, not looking at me, already understanding my train of thought. “You’re not doing what you want to do,” he stated definitively.

“I don’t know what I want to do.” I turned my head, not wanting him to see that I was on the edge of tears.

“Yeah, you do.”

“It’s like I have this ache inside me that won’t go away. I thought it meant something to be so certain of who I was when I was young, but I’m not an actor. I say I am, but what have I done? It’s like calling yourself a golfer when all you do is go to the driving range.”

Rory put his hands down on the log, listening to me. I instinctively did the same, mirroring him, keeping our hands close but not touching.

I took a deep breath. “I thought I was this person, and I’m not. I’m a fraud. I know it, and everyone else is gonna figure it out eventually.” Rory shifted his fingers on the log to gently cover mine, comforting me.“I’m not happy.”

“You’re only twenty,” he said quietly. “And you are the farthest thing from a fraud.”

He was going to figure it out eventually. I needed to change the subject, but he changed it for me. “Are you happy with Matt?” I could feel the blood drain from my body. Everything inside me went dry and calcified. The subtle, subconscious shake of my head was barely perceptible. “Are you gonna leave him?” We kept our fingers connected. He held his mouth in a tight line, not revealing a thing.

“I don’t know,” I breathed inaudibly, though I absolutely did know. I just didn’t know when. “Are you gonna transfer?”

After graduating from high school, Rory decided to take golf seriously. Very seriously. He moved beyond Juniper, winning championships and awards all over the country and in the States. The University of British Columbia, Florida State, the University of Southern California, and the University of Texas all took notice.

“I don’t know. I’ve got some time. So do you, you know.”

“There’s a program I’ve been looking at. They’re holding auditions next week in Seattle. I was thinking about going and not telling anyone.” I shook my head. “It would just be another thing to be embarrassed about if I put myself out there and got rejected by another school.”

“Another school? What schools have you been rejected by?”