Page 24 of A Chip on Her Shoulder

“That’s rather open ended,” the Devil stated in a rather unamused voice.

“Yes, and? It’s not like you have to kiss my feet and call me baby. You just have to do what you’re told. Mostly, you’ll run the parts of this place I don’t feel like handling, inflict the appropriate amounts of punishment on the fucking assholes in residence, and help me accomplish my plans should I require your assistance. I’ll try to inconvenience you as little as possible,” I promised.

The Devil narrowed his eyes. “But what if I’d like to kiss your feet and call you baby?”

I shook my head. “Sorry, but I think not. This is business, and I’m not mixing business and pleasure. I’m sure you’re a pleasure. You definitely look like you’d be a pleasure, but I’m here for business, so you’ll just have to convince a succubus to play with you for a while. You would probably have better luck with them if you set a time limit of maybe four or five hours. Have your fun, tire her out, tuck her in to bed, leave a chocolate on her pillow, and invite her to pay you another visit if she liked it. Maybe start a bachelorette contest to see if any of them happen to like your brand of sexy.”

The Devil stared at his brothers. “Did you really bring a human woman to my house so she could give me advice on my sex life?”

“I did not expect her to give you advice on your sex life, my dear brother, but I am honored to have witnessed it,” Michael replied. “I would like to mention she rejected you.”

“That hasn’t happened for a while,” the Devil admitted. “I suppose there might be some succubi who could put up with me for an extended period of time. This idea of leaving chocolates on her pillow seems rather absurd to me. Most of them run away if I even think I might like to keep her around for a while.”

“Most women like chocolate,” I informed him. “Well, some. Personally, I prefer iced coffee after exercise, but chocolate is nice enough.”

“Iced coffee?” the Devil blurted.

“Yes. It’s coffee that is served on ice, usually with extra cream and sugar.”

“Why did you bring her here, Michael?” the Devil asked. “She commits terrible sins against coffee.”

“She asked me nicely, I know the sins of the group she wishes to take on without any help at all if she can manage, and it would bring justice for many. You would also harvest many souls as a result.”

“That’s no reason to bring this sinner against coffee here. It’s like you want her to take the place over, and she might take my proper coffee away from me. Sugar and cream, over ice?”

The more the Devil talked, the more I enjoyed offending him. Ruling over his many hells might prove even better than expected, especially if I could annoy and offend him daily.

Then again, perhaps not, especially if he convinced his succubi to visit his residence. I couldn’t compare to a succubus. I wouldn’t even come close.

“Now that you mention it, yes. That would be interesting.”

I giggled at the archangel’s tone, which came across as bored more than anything. “I’m happy to only mostly take the place over, as long as you do what I say. I’m sure it’ll be no more than a few blinks of your eyes. Also, if your incubi get ideas, I’ll cut their dicks off and feed it to them. I’ve made it through life this far successfully telling asshole men no, and I have no intention of changing that game plan now.”

The archangels spread their wings and fanned their feathers.

The Devil raised a perfect brow. “And should I get ideas?”

“I have claws, and I’m not afraid to use them. I’m not nice enough to spice or grill your sausage before shoving it down your throat.”

Both archangels vanished in a flash of silvery light.

“Damn. Think they’ll come back to help me get back to Earth? Because I have a lot to do to bring down those fucking loan sharks.” I thought about it and shrugged. “Whatever. I don’t know what they’re getting upset over. It’s not like they even have nipples. Have you seen those two? Ruining those otherwise perfect chests through a lack of nipples. Offensive, that’s what it is.” I pointed at the Devil. “You better be packing nipples like the painting, or I’m going to have to go siege the heavens to have a talk with Him about this travesty.”

The Devil stared at me, his mouth hanging open.

I planted my hands on my hips. “What part are you having trouble with?”

“The entire damned thing, really.”

“It’s simple. Loan sharks shoved transformatives down my brother’s throat and forced me to watch while holding a gun to my head, now one of the bastards sent me some rose petals and invited me to show off my assets for his enjoyment. I’m going to bring their entire outfit down, I’m going to use you to do it, and the only payment you’re getting is watching me torture their souls for however long I fucking see fit using your dungeon. It has to be stocked with everything I need to make sure their stay in your hells is particularly heinous. If they ever get out of this joint, they’ll put angels to shame in their purity and good nature.”

The Devil canted his head to the side. “You’re going to kill them, send their souls to me, take over my many hells, and torture them in my dungeons while I watch? Not only will you torture them in my dungeons, you will do so until you give their souls a major alignment adjustment. Did I hear you correctly?”

“That sounds about right.”

“First, you have no guarantees of the souls’ final destination.”

“The archangel said they’ve done far worse to others. If He allows that sort of filth in His heavens, well, I guess it’s a damned good thing I don’t give a shit if this ends up my permanent residence. I’ll work hard to earn it, since when an archangel says I’m going to hell, I believe him. On the bright side, I get to secure some justice for others in the process. That means I’ve got about a week to dig up as much on these fuckers as I can. I’ll show up and show off my assets, and I’ll wipe the fuckers out at the same time. I mean, I’ll have to hit some of them sooner, so I’m really pinched on time. What’s your next complaint?”