Page 25 of A Chip on Her Shoulder

“Do you have any experience working a dungeon?”

“No, but I spent a lot of time fantasizing how I’d peel the skin off the fucker who raped a friend, leading to her suicide.”

“Hmm.” The Devil prowled around me, trailing a finger along my shoulders before flicking my hair. “You could practice on him if you wanted.”

I froze, sucking in a breath. “You know who did it?”

I’d searched, but I’d never found the bastard. I supposed it was for the better. Had I found him, I would have carved justice out of his flesh and made my brother look like an angel in the process.

“I am the Devil. That’s child’s play for me. The rules of the heavens are simple enough. He never welcomes a rapist into his heavens. It is a supreme violation. Those souls all come here one day, no matter how remorseful those souls might be. He is not as forgiving as humans like to believe. The remorseful do not stay as my guests—”

“Fucking assholes,” I corrected. “They are not guests. Guests enjoy privileges.”

The Devil sighed. “Very well. The fucking assholes who show true remorse do not stay in my hells for long before they are evicted back to the mortal coil to see if they’ve learned their lesson.”

“You rehabilitate souls, and you use torture methods to do it,” I stated, regarding the Devil with a frown. “That so doesn’t match your reputation.”

“I’m the Lord of Lies, not the Lord of Sunny Afternoon Strolls. Why would I use other methods to do it? It takes true punishment to leave a mark on a seed of life or a soul. During the End of Days, my count of souls matter, but in the meantime? Why keep the fucking assholes longer than necessary?”

Huh. I understood the Devil a lot better than I did his brothers. “So, will you help me? It’s a good deal for you.”

“I fail to see how this is a good deal for me.”

“You get to do your thing, but you’re doing it at my say so, so whenever your underlings annoy you, you can just blame me for the edicts they don’t like. I’m assuming you have underlings.”

“I have devils and demons, yes. We’d be here for half an eternity if we discussed their types. I have generals who control facets of my army, and I have the army, but until the End of Days, they’ll bicker amongst themselves and annoy me. They rarely like any of my edicts.”

“Well, I’ll carve chunks out of them if they get mouthy about your edicts, and I’ll use your dungeons to do it.”

“It doesn’t work that way.”

“It does when I’m running the place.”

The Devil frowned. “I suppose if it is your hells, it is your rules, but I will tell you this much: neither my demons nor my devils will at all appreciate that.”

“They aren’t supposed to appreciate it. They’re supposed to stand the fuck in line and do as they’re told to avoid it. If they walk the straight and narrow, then they won’t have chunks carved out of them, now will they?”

“So, you want to take over, have me work as normal, and take the dissenters to my dungeon, carve punishments into their hides, and teach them to never cross you?”

“Correct. And if they’re just an annoyance, you can do the carving on my behalf. I might just observe while looking bored. Do you think it’s more effective if you’re doing the carving while I watch? I could work with that. It’s only a few years. I’m sure it won’t tax you too much. It’s not like mortal years are long for you, right? You’re eternal. You’ll blink, and I’ll be gone.” I shrugged. “Or become one of the fucking assholes in residence.”

“Let me take this from the top, simply so I can be certain I understand this situation correctly.”

“All right. Shoot. I’ll correct you if you get it wrong. I expect I’ll have to correct you often.”

He laughed. “You’re such a bold woman.”

“Well, I am a cat, I’m pissed, and I have a brother to save. You’re the only divine in the entire fucking universe who can help my brother, so here I am. I’ve bargained with one pantheon to get this far, and I’m not dumb enough to bargain with you.”

“You’ll have to bargain with me if you want my help.”

“No. You’ll help me because you find this whole thing amusing, it’s hardly more than a blink of your eye, and you’re bored.”

“We’ll discuss that part of this arrangement later. You want to rule over my many hells, have me installed as your second-in-command, and maintain ruthless discipline over my demons and devils.”

“Yes, that’s correct.”

“You want to do this so you can accomplish several goals. First, you want me to use my powers to restore your brother.”