Page 33 of Already Falling

Why am I crying? Gah I’m a mess. This year fucked me up. I need to start dating again.

The rest of my entries are just me complaining about school and how I should try and date again. I spent all of my sophomore and most of my junior year so far single as ever. Honestly, it was probably for the best. I needed to focus on myself and my school work before adding another person into my life. This past summer, I told my mom how stressed I’ve been with school and admitted to her that I might not be enjoying it. She told me whatever I wanted to do, she and my dad would be behind me. But still, I have this nagging feeling that I just need to keep going. I’m so close. Just a year and a half yet. I managed to stay in honors the whole time, which is surprising. My mom was the one who suggested I take advantage of the campus therapist just to have someone to talk out these specific academic stressors. It’s been great so far. I go once a month and just unload every thought and worry I have.

I feel in a better place but also still so fragile. Someone could sneeze too close to me, and I might go off on them. I hope this feeling goes away after I’m done with school. I’ve been so stressed and preoccupied it’s been difficult to fit dating into my life. Chloe told me about some dating apps she’s been on. She and Dane are “off” right now, so she’s been going on a new date each month, it seems like, in search of the one.

I look back over at the entry from last year in March. It is still hard to read about Reid and the residual feelings that are lingering. I would be lying if I said I didn't think about how things might be different if I had gone on that third date with him. He said he had something to give me. I wonder if he still has it. I need to shake him out of my mind. Maybe I should sign up for a dating app.

Annika

What was that app you are on called again?

Chloe

Flame!

OMG where are you!? I need to be with you when you create your profile

Annika

please no, it’s fine.

I’ll send you a screenshot

Chloe

deal!!

The app logo is a little orange flame, which is pretty cute. Before I put in any info, I’m prompted to curate my own photo gallery. I select a couple of selfies, one of Chloe and me and one picture Chloe took of me after I got my tattoo. The picture is right after I got it, and I’m turning around with a big ol’ dumb smile on my face. Things were so simple back then. The profile is pretty simple. You fill in your name, age, bio, and favorite song.

Annika, 20

San Diego, CA

Bio: If I’m not collecting used postcards, then I’m overthinking everything I’ve ever said. Libra.

Favorite Song: The State of Dreaming by MARINA and the Diamonds

After sending numerous screenshots to Chloe and ignoring her begs to change my bio to something sweeter, I begin to swipe. The first guy is a typical SD surfer boy, tan, blond, troublesome smirk. He’s cute but more Chloe’s type, so I swipe left. This app is kind of fun. No wonder Chloe keeps talking about it. I settle into my cafe seat and look up, suddenly self-conscious that everyone in the cafe knows I’m on a dating app. I collect my camera and journal to head out. I walk back to my car and decide to drive through the park. I’m excited to find a quiet spot to swipe the faces of guys. There’s a section of Balboa Park that has a big fountain and lots of benches surrounding it. I find a bench against a wall and click on the little flame icon. Time to swipe.

George, 23

San Diego, CA

Bio: only chicks under 5’ swipe right

Favorite Song: Pretty Fly (for a White Guy) The Offspring

Swiping left, what an ass.

Griffin, 19

Chula Vista, CA

Bio: I enjoy short walks around my neighborhood and a tall glass of orange juice.

Favorite Song: The Motto by Drake

He seems sweet. I’ll swipe right.