Page 32 of Already Falling

The remnants of feelings that linger after a breakup are some of the most sour, in my opinion. It’s not even that it’s on your mind all the time. It’s that anything at any point of the day can remind you of that person, remind you of what could have been. The sun reminds me of her because the day after the beach, I got a sunburn on the top of my ears, so I had to wear a hat until it faded. So now that hat also reminds me of her. I can’t see someone in pigtail braids without thinking of her. I push the thoughts away, though, because I’ve convinced myself that it’s for the best.

I’ve spent the past few months head down in school, replacing the uncomfortable void with my biology major courses. With summer courses and keeping the grades I’m at, I should be able to graduate early and do the training needed to work as a Physical Therapist. Being able to help people day to day is something that keeps me trudging along. Although it would be good to blow off some steam, my roommate invited me to his DND match, which I know nothing about, but he always talks so lively about it. I’m sure it's entertaining to watch.

I pivot on my walk home to treat myself to a cold brew with whip. It’s been a while since I had one, and I’ve passed all my finals so far. The campus is alive as the semester is coming to a close. I can feel the relief of summer break like a ray of sunshine after a cold winter. The coffee shop I usually go to by the student store is packed, and I am feeling impatient, so I’ll try the one by the dorms.

I grab the door handle, but not before looking inside and seeing Isaac sitting with Annika. He is leaning in, talking to her. What could they possibly be talking about? I know they are old friends, but their body language doesn’t look friendly. It looks flirtatious. He puts his hand on her leg. She doesn’t move it. I think I’m going to be sick.

“Hey, are you going in?” I realize I’m clutching the door handle, preventing people from entering.

I open the door for them and turn away. I really can’t come around this side of campus ever again. Or maybe I can transfer schools. Is that too dramatic?

Isaac? My friend? He knew we dated. How could he go behind my back like that? Even if he asked me first, I’d say it wasn’t cool. Dang, I need new friends. Suddenly, I’m even more relieved it’s summer, so I can get out of San Diego for at least a little while.

FIFTEEN

ANNIKA

~ Two years later ~

My therapist told me in our last session that I should take up a hobby. She said collecting used stamps and scrolling on the internet aren’t constructive enough to tame my ruminating mind. So that is why I’m wandering around downtown San Diego with a used Nikon I found at a consignment shop. I stop near a pet store and stand out of the way of passersby to look at what I’ve captured so far. A graffiti wall that Money is Love, a pair of Wiener dogs sitting under a cafe table, and about ten pictures of this pretty rose I saw blooming in a flower box. I’m not sure I feel any different from before I started this photo tour.

I thought of photography as a hobby because I took a photo elective class my freshman year and really enjoyed it. The only difference is I don’t have a prompt. What am I supposed to even take photos of? I feel like people are staring at me whenever I pull out my camera.

I pass by a cafe and treat myself to an oat milk dirty chai. I haven’t been to this cafe before, but it looks pretty cozy. I snuggle in a corner booth away from people and pull out my journal. Aside from photography, journaling is something that keeps me focused and not spiraling. I’ve been writing in it since freshman year—whenever I feel like I need to get thoughts out of my head and on paper. I flip through the previous pages and read a few entries.

Freshmen Year - March

Hi, I don’t even know why I keep writing hello each entry here, but I feel like it’s rude if I don’t. Hi, how are you? Great? Well, I feel empty. Like I lost a piece of a charm bracelet, so there’s an awkward empty space, and it seems unnoticeable until you lean on your wrist against a table and feel the gap. I think I made a mistake with Reid. I keep hoping I’d run into him again so I can take it all back in some kind of grand gesture, but I haven’t seen him in weeks since I told him I didn’t feel the same way he does towards me. Which was a total lie. I was scared. I feel like shit, Journal. I need to just focus on school.

Freshmen Year - June

Hey Journ, trying out a hyphenated name for this thing. A diary sounds so juvenile. Anyway, Isaac finally worked up the nerve to ask me out. He’s been “accidentally” bumping into me for two months now. I think he’s always had a thing for me but held off because Reid asked me out first. They were close. *were is the keyword. Isaac told me that Reid saw us having coffee and was pissed at him. Something about bro-code. It makes me queasy just thinking about it because… I don’t know. It feels wrong to even admit it here, even though I’m the only one to read it.

Isaac has been nice, but I keep comparing my feelings toward Reid, and they aren’t the same. Not even close. Isaac feels like a placeholder.

Summer - July

Isaac and I decided to take a weekend trip to Santa Barbara. He had some friends that went to UCSB and thought it would be fun to go away together. It was fun for the most part until I found out we’d be sharing a bed. It shouldn’t be a big deal, but I haven’t slept with anyone. We had only been dating for three weeks, but I guess now is as good as any. I’m not sure how I pictured I would lose my virginity. I guess I thought it would be more romantic than on a blow-up mattress behind a folding divider in a stranger’s college apartment. Isaac tried to be sweet about it. He gave me a rose at dinner and told me he loved me. I felt so awkward, so I just smiled back. I don’t love him, and honestly, I don’t know if he really loves me either.

It’s been three weeks! And when we were alone at the apartment, we were making out until he slowly removed my clothes. He asked if it was okay, and I said yes. I feel like there is supposed to be so much more build-up and foreplay. At least, that’s what it seems like in movies and books. Isaac just pushed himself inside me and lasted a few grunts before collapsing beside me. I don’t think I even orgasmed, but I googled later that night that that was normal the first time. Afterward, he said he wanted to cuddle, but I felt hot and sticky, so I took a shower instead. I guess I’m glad I got it over with, but I wish this entry made me feel happier to write about.

Sophomore Year - September

Hey, it’s been A WHILE since I’ve written in here. I went back to Ojai for the summer and worked at an ice cream shop in the downtown area. This journal was packed in with my school stuff, and I only found it after Chloe, and I unpacked our new *off-campus* apartment! We feel so grown up. It is very small, and she and I share a bedroom, but we couldn’t be happier. We hung fairy lights around the living room and bought three poufs that we sit on and read books all weekend.

Summer was fun, I guess. Isaac and I broke it off shortly after the weekend in SB. It didn’t feel fair to keep stringing him along if I always compared him to someone else. I started dating this guy who worked at the ice cream shop with me, Marcus. He was in my physics class in my senior year of high school, and I always thought he was kinda cute. We would make out during lunch breaks and hook up in the back of his Honda Civic since both of us lived with our parents. I would talk to him about how I wanted to do something in life that made me feel fulfilled, that made a difference in the world. He said he was fine living in Ojai and working at the ice cream shop or any other small business. I was coming back to UCSD, and so we ended things. Funny how the most casual relationship I’ve had wasn’t even at college. Let’s see what this next year brings me!

Sophomore Year - January

Sophomore year fucking sucks. Sorry for my language, Journal. But SHIT, my teachers are all assholes, and why do they give so many fucking quizzes and tests. I just wanna quit school. I hate it so much. It would be so much easier if I didn’t have to do any of this. But then I think of my parents and how disappointed they would be in me. I think of my brothers, who I want to make proud. I think of Chloe, who is struggling just as much as me, and I would let her down if I just quit.

I can do this. It just sucks.

Sophomore Year - March

My mom sent me my old diaries from when I was a kid. I thought I threw them away, but she said she went after and grabbed them out of the trash. It feels meta to write in here about old diaries, but what I wrote about and the time of year it is got me so emotional. I don’t know what else I was expecting. Of course, I wrote about Reid. I was simply obsessed with the boy. And then I looked at the first entry in here, and it was about a month after I broke it off with Reid. What was I thinking?

There’s NEVER been another guy that’s given me those stupid butterflies like he has. He just had to look at me, and I felt sick. Sick like if I spent any time away from him, I might have to be admitted to a hospital. We only went on a couple of dates, but I’ve replayed them in my head so many times it feels like my favorite movie. I know every detail, every smell, and feeling I felt. Sometimes I will go back to that spot on the beach and close my eyes, pretending he’s twirling me.