Page 48 of Axton
I spent my night pacing, worrying to death about her, watching her house from the window and hoping she came home soon, but she didn’t come.
I finally fell asleep, but woke to a warm body crawling in bed with me. I knew it was Natalie without even looking at her. “Are you okay?” I asked, although I was hurting like I never felt before.
“I’m sorry.” She sniffled.
I knew why she did it. We were the poor kids that had to come off the mountain and face shame every day at school. She hoped for once in her life that she was finally seen for what she had to offer the world. Not just the poor kid that wore secondhand clothes. She had Will’s attention, but didn’t understand the way he used girls.
I pulled her into me and kissed her head. “Get some sleep.” Her hair was wet, so I figured she took a shower.
“I love you, Mikey. You’ll always be my best friend.” She sniffled.
“Want to talk about it?” I asked in my groggy voice.
“No, just hold me. I couldn’t sleep and didn’t feel safe. I’m always safe when you’re close.”
I kissed her cheek right before I drifted off to sleep. It wasn’t unusual for her to walk over and slip into my bed and say she needed to feel safe. I didn’t mind it because I always wanted tokeep her safe. It wasn’t a big deal because we pretty much grew up without parents and she never had to sneak out, she did whatever she wanted.
I woke up to feel lips run up my neck until they pressed against mine. I wasn’t expecting it, but she started kissing me. It was my first kiss, and it was as amazing as I dreamed. She crawled on top of me and didn’t stop kissing me, and by then my teenage hormones were going insane. There were no bells and whistles screaming warnings of possible danger, but I wished they would have. Only a desire that I never felt in my life before that moment. She rolled on top of me, and my hands traveled down her back, over the t-shirt until I felt bare skin. “Natalie.” I whispered.
“Just go with it, Mikey.” She started kissing me again.
My hands squeezed her bare ass, and I pushed my hips up to rub what was hard against her. She clasped my face in her hands, and with the light of the moon, she studied my face. “Do you know what I love about you most?” She asked, but I didn’t care at that moment. I was having the best time of my life.
“No.” I lifted my face to try to kiss her, but she pulled her head back.
“These dimples.” She whispered before she kissed them and finally her lips trailed to mine. I held her so tight, and instinct kept taking over. I needed her closer.
Our breathing grew out of control, the desperate need I always felt inside me came roaring to the surface. She reached between us, and her hand slipped inside my boxer briefs. I shut my eyes to the feel of her touch, then whimpered against her lips. “That’s not a good idea.”
She was the only girl I ever wanted. The only girl I ever really saw, and the most beautiful thing God ever made. I wanted her, but not yet, not so soon. Suddenly, I felt something wet and warm, and my eyes flew open. The more she lowered herself the tighter her warmth became, and a moan escaped my lips, so she sat up and threw her shirt off. “No, Natalie, I’m not ready.” I got to see her boobs as she slowly circled her hips with me inside her. “Natalie, please stop.” I wanted to be there, inside her, but she wasn’t doing it the way I always dreamed of having her in my arms. She swatted my hands away when I reached up to loft her off me. “Not like this, Nat. Please stop…Jesus Christ.”
“Quiet, you’ll wake Kayla.” She put her hand over my mouth. My head fell back, but she kept that damn hand over my mouth. I tried moving from underneath her but what she was doing, my God it felt way too good. It became too much, I knew it was about to happen. My stomach tightened, and I grabbed her wrist and moved her hand from my mouth.
“Please stop, I can’t do it. Natalie please.” I begged.
She was moving fast, my bed was making noises, her thighs began to shake, and she squeezed tight around me. So damn tight and she was wet and so warm.
“Fuck, Natalie, please! I can’t do this inside you!” I didn’t want her to stop, I needed her to stop. But then it was too late. My toes curled, my stomach contracted, and I knew what was shooting inside her. “Oh…God!” I was trying to lift her but had little to no strength as I experienced my first ever orgasm inside a girl. It was powerful, it took over every muscle inside my body. It was when she collapsed on top of me that I felt all the disappointment in the world hit me. It wasn’t supposed to be that way. Not me crying out for her to stop. Not before we had a chance to experience those few first kisses without the pressureof sex, talk about our future, and at least be together the way I always dreamed and hoped she did too. Instead of sharing it m, she took it from me. My first sexual experience was spent feeling how good she felt but also violated and disregarded like trash, my words begging her to stop meant nothing to her. She just kept going and I was too weak to stop her. It wasn’t just her fault, I could have used more force to make her stop, but it was like my body and heart wanted two different things. I came inside her, that meant I shouldn’t have felt so used. Why didn’t I stop her? Why did she do that to me? Why did I let her do that to me?
Present day…
I sat on the chair I placed by the window with a glass of whiskey in hand. I could see the sky over the community center glowing brighter than Clark Griswold ever could have dreamed. I took a sip of the whiskey then placed the glass on the end table and looked down at the folded letter in my hand.
Dear Mikey
Natalie’s handwriting was on the outside. Her letters reminded me of bubbles, and they were playful just like she used to be. She wrote me letters from time to time, and she would fold them and write my name on the outside with stars and hearts around it. Not that time, not on the letter I held in my hand. It wasn’t just a letter, it was a confession. One that tore my heart out of my chest every time I read it. It was worn, the corners were bent, and what was once new was becoming old and fragile.
I thought holding it would settle my restless mind. It would have been a reminder of why I needed to stay away from Belle. A girllike that could ruin a man, but suddenly I was questioning if it might have been time to put myself back together again.
I could remember exactly how Sheriff Blanchard looked at me that night. He was just a deputy back then, and he stood there looking down at me like I was a fragile wounded bird taking its last breaths. I could tell he had no hope left for me. Broughton, the other deputy was holding Linda Sue back as I held my dead angels in my arms.
Fourteen years ago…
There was blood everywhere, and not even the cops had the heart to rip them out of my arms. I screamed so loud that most would have thought my soul left my body, but it was left behind to rot while my angels soared to heaven.
My eyes scanned everything around me, and I couldn’t make sense of it. What happened? How was what I was seeing even possible? There was blood on the flowers around the tree, a razor fell from her hand, an umbilical cord, and after birth. She was cold, but the air around us was warm. Her eyes were open, but they no longer looked like the vibrant eyes I loved so much. Anger roared through me again and I screamed as my body shook. I could hear Kayla back at the house screaming for me, but I couldn’t let go of them. I needed them in my arms.
A body came flying at me from nowhere and I winced, thinking someone was going to hit me, but instead arms wrapped around me. Warm tears mixed with mine as she cried. It wasn’t Kayla, it was my mom.
