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She’d made it about halfway through her meal. “So not only are you tending bar, you cook now too? It’s even edible.”
With anyone else, Matt may have played it down, but Patty knew better than anyone how underdeveloped his culinary skills were. She’d been there when he’d set off the smoke detector making a grilled cheese sandwich. He’d tried to wave the smoke away with a hand towel, which caught on the flame of the gas burner. Suffice it to say, the exercise had ended with a spent fire extinguisher, flakes of black ash floating around the kitchen, and a thoroughly petrified, blackened parody of a briquette sandwich.
“I’ve been practicing. I may never be a master chef, but I can handle the basics. Haven’t set anything on fire in at least nine months.”
Patty grinned into her food. “Maybe you can give me some tips. Unless it’s pre-cooked with a clear film on top so I can stick it in the microwave, I’m probably going for a bowl of Lucky Charms.”
Matt wrinkled his nose. “I’ll never understand how you think those hard, little fake marshmallows qualify as food.” It was an argument they’d had more times than he could count over the years. Sliding back into the debate was like slipping on an old comfortable pair of shoes.
“Funny how a man who can’t melt cheese on two pieces of bread can be such a food snob.”
His heart squeezed painfully. It had been so long since he and Patty had hung out this way. For all the awful shit volleyed between them in the past year, there were a thousand happy memories built around nearly a decade of friendship. Late night study sessions over cheap Little Caesar’s takeout pizza. Binge watching old episodes of theBattlestar Galacticareboot. Sitting side by side while he playedFinal Fantasyand she sketched out the characters into fanfic comics.
It struck him how deeply he loved her. Other than his son and mom, there was no person on this earth who he’d felt more connected to than Patty. Only their bone deep bond prompted him to make love with her that night. A mistake, yes, but it was the wrong thing done for the very best reason.
“You’re thinking too hard.” Patty tapped her temple. “You’re gonna pop a blood vessel up there.”
Matt nearly jumped out of his skin when a hand landed on his left shoulder.
“Sorry I didn’t check in sooner,” Tom said, an easy smile on his face. “Why don’t you grab a few minutes break, and I’ll keep an eye on the bar?”
He’d been so involved in his conversation with Patty, Matt had completely forgotten his boss had promised to drop in this afternoon. “Yes, sir. I appreciate it.”
Grabbing his bottled water from the ice from the cooler where he’d stashed it at the beginning of his shift, Matt peeked at his watch. How the heck was it after three o’clock already? Only three more hours until he was done for the night.
He took the empty barstool beside Patty.
She crunched a potato chip, then pushed the empty basket away before facing him. “You seem comfortable here. All these people don’t bother you?”
“Nah. I don’t really have to talk much. I just get them what they ask for. Take their money.” He shrugged. “I’m just an extension of the bar, no different than a piece of furniture.”
“Just the way you like it.” Patty covered his hand with hers. It was soft and cool, and he didn’t pull away. Her presence next to him soothed his aching loneliness.
Why couldn’t she be like this all the time? His life would be so different. “You always did understand me.”
Her hand twitched. “I thought I did. I thought we’d be together forever. Now it’s like we’re strangers or, even worse, enemies.”
“You act like I cut you out of my life. That’s not what happened.” God knows, he’d never intentionally give up his best friend. He would have done anything to keep her.
Well, he would have donealmostanything.
“No.” She released his hand to take a sip of her beer. “But it hurt too much being around you. After.”
“I never meant to hurt you. You’ve got to believe me.” Though he couldn’t regret their night together. Not when it brought Jimmy into his life.
“Whydidyou do it? It’s not like I pushed you. I never eventriedto take it there.” Her stare, normally so accusing these days, instead looked sincere and haunted as it searched his solemnly. “I would have never risked us.”
Tough as it was to deal with a drunk or angry Patty hurling insults his way, a conversation with a thoughtful, mournful Patty was so much harder. This Patty deserved an answer. Unfortunately, he didn’t really have one.
What she’d said was one hundred percent true. He had initiated something sexual between them—not her—and blaming the alcohol could only carry him so far. It gave him courage, for sure, but he knew what he was doing. He’d needed so much to feel normal again after finding Shawn dead, and Patty was like a salve on the open wounds of his heart.
“I did it because I loved you.”
She scoffed.
“You asked me, and I’m trying to answer you.” He raked fingernails over the thighs of his khakis. “I never wanted to be with anyone that way. But after a while, I wanted to want it. You were safe and beautiful, and I knew you loved me too. I thought if there was anyone in this world who it would be right with, it would be you.” The very idea of sharing something so intensely personal with someone he didn’t love and trust completely—it didn’t just leave him cold; it made his stomach churn.
Except with Robby.
