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He started drinking too much when I was thirteen. The chaos was too much, but by then, I knew how to deal with it. I knew how to turn off my emotions and find stability in the only place I could: alone, in my room, pouring all my attention into my work.
Homework, at first. Then homework and track. Then med school and running. I don't run as much as I did, but I still put in twenty miles a week. The stress relief keeps me sane. The routine too.
Because that's the other thing I learned, the only way to find stability is to create it.
All those years of Damon drinking too much, then working at it, then falling apart again—
Even though he's okay now, even though I trust he's okay now—
I don't know how to let go. Not on my own. And not with someone else.
That's the real reason I'm attracted to Jackson. The guy is holding the world together. He could hold me together for a while.
It would feel good to surrender to that, to let someone take care of me for once.
But I can't.
I don't know how.
Chapter Five
Daphne
Damon and Cassiediscuss music until we stop in Baker. We grab drinks and use the bathroom at a convenience store, then Jackson and Damon switch driving duty, and we head back onto the desert highway.
For a while, Cassie and I talk about the sci-fi show we're watching together. Eventually, the conversation fades into the music (Damon's pick, which means grunge, which, ugh). I lose myself in the sights of the desert. Sand and cacti and blue skies until the city comes into view.
An oasis in the middle of nowhere. All strange shapes and colors. The gold triad of the Mandalay Bay (our hotel), the black pyramid Luxor, the strange castle of the Excalibur, and the fake NYC, Eiffel Tower, and Space Needle.
We park at the hotel, wheel our stuff to the front desk, check in to our rooms.
Cassie smiles as she waves the key to me. It's pureI can't wait to hang out with my bestieand I want to grab on to that so badly.
I really do.
But the words threaten to spill from my tongue.I'm leaving for New York.
I don't know how to talk to her without telling her—
I'm terrified to tell her.
So I do something really, really stupid.
I take her key, and I hand it to my brother. "Why don't you two room together?"
Cassie looks at me curiously.
Damon too.
"I'm going to have to run to Jackson's room when you two celebrate alone, so why don't we get ahead of it, huh?" I shrug as if I don't mind. As if I am only thinking logically and not hiding from this news. "Go. Have your way with each other now. I'll see you at dinner."
"Are you sure?" Cass asks.
"Go. So we have time to hang out tonight." I force a smile. I hope it saysI'm so evolved I don't even care if you fuck my brother, whatever, but I'm not sure it does.
"We can hold off for two days," Damon says.
I shoot them apleaselook.
