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She pauses to give me space to reply.
But there's nothing I can say. She's sure. Even if she wasn't, I couldn't ask her to stay.
I couldn't ask her to put my wishes ahead of hers.
"I know you, Cass, Mom, Dad, Damon—everyone wants me here. They won't ask. They'll be happy for me," she continues. "But of course, they want me to stay. I wouldn't want the opposite. How awful would that be if everyone wanted me to leave? But I can't handle the pressure of it. I'll crumble."
She releases my hand.
A part of me releases with it. I feel the change in the energy. The effort of it. The way it hurts her too.
"I know it's cowardly to wait until the last minute, but I couldn't take the chance someone would change my mind," she says. "I'm sorry, Jackson. I can't give you the time I promised. I wasn't planning it this way, but I have to walk now or I might not be able to do it later. And that would never work. I'd hold it against you for the rest of my life."
And I'd never forgive myself for getting in the way of her dreams.
"It would rot our relationship from the inside," she says.
I nod with understanding. "Do you need help setting up in New York?"
She shakes her head. "Dad is coming with me." She looks to the big, beautiful house. "I can go back inside and play this role, but that's it."
"No. Take the car. Go wherever you need to go. I'll call someone."
"Are you sure?" she asks.
I'm not sure which part she's asking. Truthfully, I'm not sure of any of it. But, like her, I need to do this now, or I might not ever do it.
I need to release her before my temptation to hold her close overpowers me.
"Yes," I say.
"I'll get my stuff out while you're here," she says. "Give me a few hours, okay?"
"Can I see you off?" I ask.
She offers me a sad smile. "No. I don't think I'll be able to say goodbye again."
"I lo—"
"Don't say it, please. I won't be able to leave."
I nod. I pull her into my arms, I hold her close, I release her.
I go back inside and find a space to myself, the quiet of the study, and I whisper the words I've never said to anyone.
I love you, Daphne Webb.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Jackson
Alexander and I talk about work for the rest of the afternoon. He doesn't buy my claim Daphne's schoolmate needed her help with a test, but he doesn't call me on it.
After lunch and two too many gin and tonics, I tell him the truth.
I don't know if I can leave my family to go to New York City.
I love her. I do.
