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It was a small victory on my part that he’d stopped calling me Blue.
“You’re evading,” I said, still keeping my head down.
“And you’re fishing for reasons why this won’t work. I’ll court you. I’ll win you over, move to Seattle, and rebuild a life centered around you. You think I haven’t thought about this? Noa, I’m a planner by nature.”
I looked up at his earnest expression. It was the damnedest thing, havingtheguy tell you exactly what you wanted to hear. But still…
“What about Phoebe?”
“I already have her part-time. I can adjust. Everything will be fine. She won’t suffer at all, I promise. I would never make things hard on her.”
I threw my hands up. “But wouldn’t you? You’d uproot your life and move away to be with some woman. I won’t beanyone’sevil stepmother. And what if she hated me?” I leaned back on the couch and when he sat next to me, I laid my head on his shoulder. “You want this to work so badly and a part of me does too. But I can’t snap my fingers and do this. I’m still very much damaged by our past. For God’s sake, it’s dictated my life for nearly a decade.”
Dexter ran his hand up and down my arm.
Was that the final round or are we entering a knock-down-drag-out soon?
Has Dexter decided this actually can’t work?
Does he realize how crazy all this is?
“I’m going to head back to my hotel room. I’ll leave my contact information with you just in case, but I think you need to think about everything I laid out for you. I’ll be heading back to Everett tomorrow afternoon.” He sat up and looked at me. “Get out of your head, Blue. Get into your heart.”
I watched as he gathered his things, slipped on his coat, and walked back over to me. He kissed my forehead, placed a card with his information beside me, and walked out, closing the door quietly behind him.
He thought I wasn’t in my heart. If only he knew that my heart was the one afraid of him.
I flashed back to the day he left me at the hospital. I called out for him for hours. He hadn’t even looked back at me to see me crumble. Without a second thought, he’d ruined me. I warned him not to.
I was here now, successful, and had built this wall around my little life to keep out the bad guys. Dexter was the wrecking ball to my wall.
I missed being Blue. I missed him. I missed us.
I looked down at the card he left and picked it up.
I was tired of being this woman who was afraid of everything.
Noa
I decided,before leaving my apartment, to slide the red stain over my lips and try to be the woman I might’ve been. It made me feel sexier, despite the fact that red wasn’t the right color for us.
My fist was poised over Dexter’s hotel room door, ready to knock. I was starting to think and I didn’t want to. So, I screwed my eyes shut and rapped my knuckles against the cool surface. I opened my eyes and waited to hear any sounds of life inside. After another few seconds, I knocked again. My mind was racing almost as fast as my heart. They were in competition, as usual.
He opened the door, wearing a towel, his body wet and on full display.
I’d seen him, years ago, in less. And yet, seeing him like this forced me to take a second. One last look before I fell all over again.
Only this time, I jumped.
I pushed him back into the room and kissed him like I’d been missing him for seven years. I kissed him like I would miss him for another seven.
I couldn’t breathe as I took off my jacket. What would normally have me spiraling back into a black abyss, made me brave. The first time had been gentle, had been perfect.
But if I was going to give my all again, one last time, I wanted to feel it in a real way. I wanted marks and bruises and a little pain. I couldn’t handle tenderness.
His hands fisted my blouse, ripping it open, and buttons scattered all through the room. I arched my back, wishing he would touch me. Soft, hard, gentle, rough, I didn’t care. When his fingertips ran over my collarbone, pushing the fabric aside to reveal my skin, I shuddered.
I was drunk on him. But instead of numbing the pain, it gave me fire.Blue fire.It would kill me. Phoenix-like, maybe my ashes would turn into something beautiful. I felt everything—and it was incredible.
