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It felt wrong to have my red lipstick all over us. It wasn’t hot enough. It wasn’t…enough. But the smudge of red on his stubble made my breath hitch. I’d worn him since the day I met him, in ways the naked eye couldn’t see.
We tugged my jeans down together, too impatient to take them completely off, and when his towel dropped, I gripped him with eager hands. He hissed, gripping the back of my neck and bringing my face to his. This kiss was one of ownership.
I am yours.
Do to me what you will.
“I’m on the pill. Please. Hurry,” I whispered.
He lifted me and I felt the wall against my back. “Are you sure?” His voice was deep and frenzied, full of emotion.
“Just go crazy, Dexter. I want you to.” I pressed another kiss to his lips. “After all this time, I need it.”
It was the desperation you watched in movies and read about in books. The kind no one knew actually existed. It existed in Dexter Andrews’ hotel room in the heart of Seattle.
Mouths searching, hands groping, and cries of pleasure.
I still couldn’t breathe. But as I leaned back against the wall, taking everything he gave me, this suffocation was the best feeling in the world. The way his hands gripped me tightly, the slight discomfort of it, I thought the pain would make me feel disconnected. That it would keep me from flying away into some distorted reality where the past never actually happened.
Even in that moment, we were flying, high on every moment we’d shared. When Dexter ran his thumb against my cheek, wiping away the tears that released under the pressure of us, I didn’t regret it.
I wanted to save those thoughts—the ones where I questioned my actions, where I began to feel ashamed—for the moments I could leave them on a canvas. For now, I gave Dexter all of me, the way he gave me all of him.
He could lie to me with his words, but I’d always find his truth in his touch. When he touched me, I knew everything I needed to know.
* * *
“You still have your ring,”Dexter said, his chest rumbling with the words.
I was experiencing a lazy haze as we lay wrapped up in the blanket and each other on the floor. His fingers rubbed against mine, especially the one that bore the small diamond infinity ring he gave me, years ago.
I smiled. “I don’t think I ever took it off.”
“It’s crazy to me,” he started, shifting so he could see my face better, “that I’m actually here with you. I was beginning to think I’d made you up.”
I looked at our joined hands and down to our naked entangled legs. The second time we made love, we’d actually gotten around to taking off all my clothes.
He brought his finger under my chin and turned my face in the direction of the window. “The city lights are bright, so I know you might not see them well, but the stars are out there. And somewhere, there are two stars so physically close to each other they look like one massive star.”
I lay flat on my back, spreading out my arms with a sigh. Some memories weren’t too hard on me. Some were pleasant, and even those could prick me like the thorns of a beautiful rose.
But that particular one made me want to cry like I did earlier. All ugly and full of disjointed hope. It reminded me of the promises we made that he backed out on. It reminded me of that anger and sadness. Most of all, it made me want to get the hell out of that hotel room.
I stood, crouching down to grab my panties. I slipped them on and was looking for my bra when I noticed he had it in his hands. I reached for it, and he pulled me back down beside him.
“Don’t go.”
Another trigger. I heard myself begging him as he walked out on me at the hospital. Sure, I knew I put Dexter through a hell of a lot of things. But when you promised someone you’d be there for them, no matter what, you stuck to it.
“I have to go to my studio and get some work done.” I got up again and put on my bra, all while watching him to make sure he didn’t snatch any other articles of my clothing.
“I’ve always admired how comfortable you are. You don’t feel uneasy when I stare at you. And you don’t cover your body when I look.” He tucked his arm under his head, still looking at me. Dexter had thicker arms, a stronger core, and more hair on his body than the version of him I gave my virginity to.
And though wejusthad sex twice, the sight of him made me want to do it all over again.
I turned away, trying to get my mind back on track. “There are things in life I would kill to see. I’d love to see the universe. Something miraculous. What’s another pair of breasts, another naked woman?” I shrugged, pulling on my jeans. My shirt was ruined, so I grabbed one of his white undershirts. “If you miss this too much, I’ll send it back.”
“Keep it,” he said.
