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“You left first,” I sobbed, angrily wiping my tears. “We’re here because of you.” Years of anger and hurt and love surfaced. I felt like I was drowning all over again.
Love was, after all, a game of sink or swim. Some days I’d been swimming, loving every moment of it. Others, I was drowning in the enormity of it.
“Noa, you almost died! Let’s not forget that. We were kids. What the fuck did we know about life?” He grabbed my hand, stopping me from walking. Passersby still watched us and as we slowed down, I felt my face heat.
He was reading my mind and I wanted him to stop. I needed him to leave me alone. I couldn’t think around him.
“Exactly. We were kids and now we’re not. So, let’s let this thing go and dismiss it for the mistake it was.” I ignored the way my hand fit in his. All that time and it still felt like his palm was destined to press against mine.
“You were not a mistake.Thiswas not a mistake.” He pulled me close and, despite my trying to wriggle out of his grip, held onto me. “I’ll tell you whatever you want to know. I’ll follow you. But I cannot, and will not, let you leave me again. I’ve been so lost without you, Blue.”
I ignored my tears. “We fell too hard, Dexter. Hell, we fell so hard, we crashed and burned.”
“Somebody taught me that it doesn’t make you any less meant for me.”
Noa
I rounded the kitchen island,two warm mugs in hand. Dexter Andrews was in my apartment. His coat was hanging from the vintage rack I hang mine on every day. I was lost trying to find the transition from the boy I loved to the man who was in front of me. He was seated on my love seat, and both of us were shell-shocked. I was pretty sure my ears were ringing from the explosion.
“Here you go,” I said, handing him a mug and sitting beside him. I faced him and tucked my leg under my bottom.
“Your place looks like you.”
Oddly enough, I knew what he meant. “I wonder what yours looks like.”
“Empty,” he said after taking a sip of coffee. “I’m in Everett now. Once I hit the East Coast, I couldn’t go back to middle-of-nowhere America. And I didn’t quite like the feel of the East, so I opted to try out the West. Ended up finding a decent job near Everett, and it isn’t too far from Seattle.” He held his cup in both hands and glanced at me.
Dexter. Always the adult.
We were quiet for a few moments.
What are the questions I’m supposed to be asking?
They weren’t coming to me. Or maybe there were so many of them that they were like a group of hippos trying to fit through a small door. Or a keyhole. I started with an easy one.
“How’s Ralph?” Although I hadn’t thought of him in years, I missed him.
“Very married, actually. I hadn’t expected it, but it’s hilarious to make fun of him after all these years.” He paused, looking into his cup. “He asks about you often. He was hurt when you left, too.”
I nodded. The only person who hadn’t minded was Tim. I was sure he loved being on his own again, not having to worry about locking up his liquor cabinet. He claimed to be sober, but I knew after Mom came around a few more times, he’d fallen off the wagon. She could manipulate him that way.
“It’s harder than I thought, sitting here, being strangers,” he said, setting his cup down on my coffee table. “I always thought we’d see each other, and everything would fall into place.”
Me too.
Why can’t we?
Oh, right. Because you broke me.
“It was so easy the first time around. Granted, I made it difficult most days, but you started off with a clean slate. Now, I have no idea how I feel.” I looked away when I said this. If he saw my eyes, he’d see my willingness. He’d see that I wanted to believe it more than it was true.
“I…I feel like I have to tell you this, no matter how crazy you think I am. Remember when we talked about you almost dying and all that crazy shit?” He placed his elbows on his knees.
“The day I told you about my drinking problem,” I whispered, time feeling suspended as we waltzed down memory lane together.
He nodded and turned to look at me. “The day I died, I went to what I think was…sort of a waiting room for Heaven. Maybe I was just dreaming, but I died and when I did, I begged the Angel of Death, the Grim Reaper, to send me back. Back to you. Except, you weren’t Noa. It was your soul that I begged to be back with. And it made so much sense after you told me you’d died and came back the same day as me. And that you felt so different when you woke up. But, I was looking for you. The day I bumped into you was the luckiest day of my life and the day I left you, I was in this…black hole. I didn’t know how to be without you. Once I found out you left town, I felt like I’d be in that black hole forever.”
My lips were parted, trying to understand him.
